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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

313 replies

dswork · 16/01/2026 09:20

DS 20 has ASD and ADHD. Since 18 he has had multiple jobs and not coped with any in any form. FT, PT, retail, hospitality, admin etc etc.

Every job requires me to support him SO much. I have to help him get ready, deal with panic attacks and anxiety daily. Call in when he can’t leave the house, drop him off and pick him up and through every shift offer support with calls and messages when he has to take breaks . I’m exhausted and he just can’t seem to cope.

He gets PIP. Do I suggest to him that he puts a claim in for UC? To have a temporary break from working as it really doesn’t seem to be working out at all? The GP is supportive as says the stress and anxiety for DS is so high that he’s in burnout.

OP posts:
CraftyGin · 16/01/2026 15:15

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/01/2026 15:06

I was also a senior teacher in a secondary school school for 30 years. I also have an AUDHD daughter.

The boy needs a break. Schools and teachers know NOTHING about ASD burnout. I’d never heard of it and DD’s school had never heard of it. Until it happened to her.

In fact in my bitter experience a teacher is one of the least qualified to commmet. They fucked dd up completely to the point of self harming.

Edited
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A teacher in a SEMH school?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/01/2026 15:18

CraftyGin · 16/01/2026 15:15

A teacher in a SEMH school?

Show quote history

Nope.

But they don’t seem much better. Because it’s all about attendance. And resilience. Both of which are bollocks for an AUDHD kid.

FlyingUnicornWings · 16/01/2026 15:24

MatildaTheCat · 16/01/2026 09:26

I’d be concerned about the temporary fix becoming permanent. Do you have ideas for supporting him into work at a later date? Also he might become quite isolated if he’s not working so while this sounds a reasonable plan I would be cautious about him not wanting to start again.

I agree with this, I think it could be on the condition that you seek out additional
support for managing his disabilities, to get the most out of life, and a work coach (can be provided by mental health charities - search employment and training support).

But yes, I would back off for now for both of your sake. But get support for yourself too, there are lots of support groups for nd parent/carers that you can reach out to.

Good luck to you both.

RedMoon111 · 16/01/2026 15:39

CraftyGin · 16/01/2026 14:49

OK, so I am one of the posters who others love to hate. I can cope with that, ho hum. However, I stand by what I have said. Neither statements were intended to be cruel or judgmental.

Just to put my cards on the table, until my fairly recent retirement, I was a senior teacher in a SEMH 11-18 school. I do know a bit about the subject, my students and their carers. I do recognise that most of the posts here are anecdotal, and quite a few irresponsible, IMO.

The OP has given very little information here. She and her DS are both , being the main thrust. Numerous posters have asked what he is good at, what he likes, and if he has thought about working outside. All good questions.

Doing nothing all day will help noone, especially not DS. If he gives up work, it has to be to do something different, maybe of his own design. Life is about taking risks, and everyone suffers some anxiety when they have a change. Most people are tired, or even exhausted, after a day of work and commuting. These effects are not limited to ND people.

From the scarce amount of information here, I would suggest that DS feels a bit of a failure at life. He hasn't achieved any academic success at school, and can't find a job that works for him. He is now struggling with the notion of daily routines. He will be well aware that his parents are struggling too, so will feel guilty. His peer group will be miles ahead.

Might I suggest that any break from work includes a little holiday together, where he can get away from home, do interesting things that he can't really fail at. He will be able to see that there is more to life than the four walls of his room.

At home, he needs to have time out of his room. He should be helping in the house, doing chores, preparing meals for the family, cleaning family areas, on a rota. Every small thing will be something that he achieves - even if it's just making his bed (a good way to start the day on a plus).

Mum needs to stop enabling him. Caring does not mean enabling. Caring means helping him to fulfil his potential.

You very clearly have no direction experience in this situation. If you haven't been a parent or have nd condition then you have no idea what this burnout is like. Op is supporting her son, not enabling him.
I dont think anyone has suggested letting him lie in bed all day. Of course he will need to maintain some kind of routine and learn new things. Not everyone can manage full time work, some people need support and some people just need a break. At 20 years of age he can do that, he hasn't got a mortgage or kids to support.

Dunnow1 · 16/01/2026 15:44

I see this has already been suggested but I would also suggest Access to Work which is a government scheme and can provide lots of support, although it can be a bit complicated to organise!

NorthXNorthWest · 16/01/2026 15:49

It's mad that so many people think best option is Benefits. Parents, whilst being their child's biggest supporter, can be their biggest enabler of avoidance and in turn failure. Benefits is not where you go with a child like this if you want to prepare them for the world.

Pricelessadvice · 16/01/2026 15:52

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/01/2026 15:06

I was also a senior teacher in a secondary school school for 30 years. I also have an AUDHD daughter.

The boy needs a break. Schools and teachers know NOTHING about ASD burnout. I’d never heard of it and DD’s school had never heard of it. Until it happened to her.

In fact in my bitter experience a teacher is one of the least qualified to commmet. They fucked dd up completely to the point of self harming.

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As an autistic ex-teacher, I’m afraid I’d have to disagree with you there.
I was in a pretty good position to comment.

Some teachers do know what they are talking about. I’m sorry you never met any.

Christmaseree · 16/01/2026 15:59

I have been through something similar with my DS, he did manage to hold down a job for some time but unfortunately his mental health massively declined.
He’s now having a break from work and he’s now stable (he did have a stay in a psychiatric hospital).
I don’t know what his future will entail, hopefully employment in the future and perhaps volunteering or part time work to begin with.
For me it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and I have sleepless nights worrying about hell manage when I’m dead. I’ve found about a third of the people I’ve spoken to just don’t get it. Perhaps they would if he had a physical disability of physical health condition, I don’t know.

Passaggressfedup · 16/01/2026 16:59

Why are solutions, which inevitably lead to debate and arguments, have to be black or white.

There are a lot of options, as have been suggested, between throwing the notion of resilience on the kid's throat and allowing him to be a bum in his room gaming or sleeping all day.

The main issue is his clearly extreme level of anxiety. This needs to be tacked both in understanding it. What are the triggers, where it comes from etc...then looking at medical help (which involves, a consultation with a doctor who knows that there is medicines you can take with low blood pressure and your son accepting that there are going a quick fix) and finally reintroducing exposure to stressor slowly and controllably, one step at a time, with a clear plan.

Nevereatcardboard · 16/01/2026 17:01

Christmaseree · 16/01/2026 15:59

I have been through something similar with my DS, he did manage to hold down a job for some time but unfortunately his mental health massively declined.
He’s now having a break from work and he’s now stable (he did have a stay in a psychiatric hospital).
I don’t know what his future will entail, hopefully employment in the future and perhaps volunteering or part time work to begin with.
For me it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and I have sleepless nights worrying about hell manage when I’m dead. I’ve found about a third of the people I’ve spoken to just don’t get it. Perhaps they would if he had a physical disability of physical health condition, I don’t know.

Even with several quite obvious physical disabilities, certain people still asked me why I can’t work!

Bluedenimdoglover · 16/01/2026 17:12

Speak to the disablement officer at your local jobcentre/careers office/ college. They are possibly the best place to know what support is available and what sheltered employment vacancies may be appropriate.

Tiddlywinky · 16/01/2026 17:30

Hoe does he get through the job interviews? He must have done a few well enough to get the jobs he's had. Is it having some type of responsibility rather than interacting with people that causes his anxiety?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/01/2026 17:32

Passaggressfedup · 16/01/2026 16:59

Why are solutions, which inevitably lead to debate and arguments, have to be black or white.

There are a lot of options, as have been suggested, between throwing the notion of resilience on the kid's throat and allowing him to be a bum in his room gaming or sleeping all day.

The main issue is his clearly extreme level of anxiety. This needs to be tacked both in understanding it. What are the triggers, where it comes from etc...then looking at medical help (which involves, a consultation with a doctor who knows that there is medicines you can take with low blood pressure and your son accepting that there are going a quick fix) and finally reintroducing exposure to stressor slowly and controllably, one step at a time, with a clear plan.

Its not that clear cut.

Burnout affects the frontal lobes of the brain which become inflamed. It’s not just ‘anxiety’

The brain has to recover fully before it can function properly.

crackofdoom · 16/01/2026 18:09

dswork · 16/01/2026 11:41

We’ve tried an equal amount of PT and FT jobs he just can’t seem to cope at all. In 2.5 years he’s had 9 jobs. He seems to want desperately to be working but then each day is crippled with anxiety before hand, can’t focus or concentrate and keeps having meltdowns during them sleeping after and neglecting most other things (this has got worse lately as he is sleeping through some meals plus isn’t showering daily as too tired or in a rush)

Show quote history

He's probably internalised the common attitude that if you're not working full time then you're some kind of scrounger and not a proper member of society (hellooooo PPs! 👋).
Believe you me, I know this one well. Being bright (I don't know if your DS is OP, but obviously lots of autistic people are) yet unable to achieve even a basic level of adulting success can leave you weighed down with guilt and a sense of inadequacy. I am constantly, constantly beating myself up at being unable to work full time as an autistic, perimenopausal single mum.

He has to unlearn all his expectations of what he should be doing to be a good little worker drone, and look at how he finds fulfilment and productivity through other routes.

Is he bright? What is he into? Does he have a classic circadian rhythm that works well with a 9-5 ?

Tiddlywinky · 16/01/2026 18:17

Could he cope with WFH OP? and maybe volunteering a few hours a week so that he gets out of the house.

Penelope23145 · 16/01/2026 18:27

NorthXNorthWest · 16/01/2026 15:49

It's mad that so many people think best option is Benefits. Parents, whilst being their child's biggest supporter, can be their biggest enabler of avoidance and in turn failure. Benefits is not where you go with a child like this if you want to prepare them for the world.

Edited

Uc would likely double the amount he currently gets on PIP. I can see why people go down this route.

Tiddlywinky · 16/01/2026 18:34

Penelope23145 · 16/01/2026 18:27

Uc would likely double the amount he currently gets on PIP. I can see why people go down this route.

Show quote history

Wouldn't he be expected to work some hours though? 16 or so?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/01/2026 18:43

NorthXNorthWest · 16/01/2026 15:49

It's mad that so many people think best option is Benefits. Parents, whilst being their child's biggest supporter, can be their biggest enabler of avoidance and in turn failure. Benefits is not where you go with a child like this if you want to prepare them for the world.

Edited

Gosh, why didn’t all the parents struggling with their children in ND burnout think of this? We must be stupid.

Thank you so much for pointing it out. We never thought of it🙄

SleeplessInWherever · 16/01/2026 18:59

Tiddlywinky · 16/01/2026 18:34

Wouldn't he be expected to work some hours though? 16 or so?

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He should qualify for LCWRA, so he won’t have a job seeking requirement - ideally.

NorthXNorthWest · 16/01/2026 19:29

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/01/2026 18:43

Gosh, why didn’t all the parents struggling with their children in ND burnout think of this? We must be stupid.

Thank you so much for pointing it out. We never thought of it🙄

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The OP clearly isn't considering this.

Just a heads up - this is AIBU, if it is too triggering for you, you know where the door is. Can't help you with the stupid though, good luck with that.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/01/2026 19:31

NorthXNorthWest · 16/01/2026 19:29

The OP clearly isn't considering this.

Just a heads up - this is AIBU, if it is too triggering for you, you know where the door is. Can't help you with the stupid though, good luck with that.

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😂😂😂

Stupid😂😂

Why not stamp your little foot too?

NorthXNorthWest · 16/01/2026 19:33

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 16/01/2026 19:31

😂😂😂

Stupid😂😂

Why not stamp your little foot too?

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Ironic seeing as you brought the tantrum and stupid to the party. Once an Arse, I guess...

NorthXNorthWest · 16/01/2026 19:40

Penelope23145 · 16/01/2026 18:27

Uc would likely double the amount he currently gets on PIP. I can see why people go down this route.

Show quote history

This country is screwed.

Paperwhite209 · 16/01/2026 20:06

Is he on ADHD medication? And has he had any other kind of therapy to help with his SEN?

If the GP is saying he's in neurodivergent burnout he definitely needs a break for now, but it would be good to have a plan going forward.

ButterPecanCookie · 16/01/2026 20:39

dswork · 16/01/2026 09:20

DS 20 has ASD and ADHD. Since 18 he has had multiple jobs and not coped with any in any form. FT, PT, retail, hospitality, admin etc etc.

Every job requires me to support him SO much. I have to help him get ready, deal with panic attacks and anxiety daily. Call in when he can’t leave the house, drop him off and pick him up and through every shift offer support with calls and messages when he has to take breaks . I’m exhausted and he just can’t seem to cope.

He gets PIP. Do I suggest to him that he puts a claim in for UC? To have a temporary break from working as it really doesn’t seem to be working out at all? The GP is supportive as says the stress and anxiety for DS is so high that he’s in burnout.

It sounds like majority of it is anxiety related - would he be open to trialling prescribed medication for his anxiety? (I am also autistic using this type of medication)