DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

[dswork]

DS 20 has ASD and ADHD. Since 18 he has had multiple jobs and not coped with any in any form. FT, PT, retail, hospitality, admin etc etc.

Every job requires me to support him SO much. I have to help him get ready, deal with panic attacks and anxiety daily. Call in when he can’t leave the house, drop him off and pick him up and through every shift offer support with calls and messages when he has to take breaks . I’m exhausted and he just can’t seem to cope.

He gets PIP. Do I suggest to him that he puts a claim in for UC? To have a temporary break from working as it really doesn’t seem to be working out at all? The GP is supportive as says the stress and anxiety for DS is so high that he’s in burnout.

I don’t think people realise unless they have SEN dc that you have to fight and wait years for a diagnosis, then you don’t get automatic help you have to again wait years for CAMHS and then it’s hit and miss if they are even helpful. Schools can be great or terrible dealing with SEN it’s just down to luck and before you know it you have a child who is failing and burnt out. DS has always tried hard and had high expectations for himself but it’s as if ASD and ADHD fight against each other in his mind every minute of every day. I keep reading how very early diagnosis and intervention before age 5 has the best outcome but we are nowhere near achieving that in the UK. SEN children are just let down , there’s only so much parents can do especially if they are not on a high income as then you can’t buy in support/SALT/OT etc.

What job does he do now?

I agree could he try something outdoors - maybe using experience. So if he’s worked in retail. Try part time in a garden centre or something? Something less hectic and maybe a tad quieter. Retail can be full of horrible customers but some places like that can be less demanding.

Or shelf stacking. Some supermarkets have these roles and no customers etc involved

We’re adults for a long time, earning money, paying bills. If your son needs a break right now, he should take it.

Maybe you could support him financially whilst he waits to find out? It sounds like he needs to quit his job or get a doc appointment.

I know all about the fight and the frustration and I still disagree with signing on for more benefits.

What would you prefer he did, continued descending into misery?

Yes he should take a break but, given that he lives at home and already receives PIP he shouldn’t claim any more benefits. There are single people living on universal credit who have to feed, clothe themselves and pay their bills out of that £400 a month. While I have every sympathy with him I think claiming benefits he doesn’t need is a pisstake.

@dswork you both sound like awesome people.

I second the pp saying he should get signed off for now. Burnout is no joke. And then when he is feeling more himself again, and his eating and sleeping are a bit better, maybe have a think about what he might do to occupy himself. It is good to keep working at expanding your window of tolerance, if he could get support to live on perhaps he can find an occupation that suits his skills, talents, and interests better without the pressure of an actual job.

Thats daft. If he is entitled to claim the benefits then he can. It has nothing to do with whether he needs the money.

Those people are either not living off £400, because it’s a top up, or they’re likely getting their housing costs subsidised.

I have absolutely no issue with a 20 year old who has tried his best to work, and cannot cope, having £400 of tax payers money to use as disposable income. He deserves a life too.

There are many more able to work who choose not to, and claim - he sounds far more worthy, if it was even up to us to decide who should have money they’re entitled to.

Why do you say this? This is what I was given because I own my home. Actually, £3 less.

I know you’re supportive of the son in this situation (as am I, as posted earlier) but this is the reality of UC.

A 20 year old claiming UC currently with the LCWRA element in place meaning no work commitments due to health would be looking at around £739 UC per month with PIP on top ( possibly £300-£400 every four weeks ). I personally think this is a lot for a young person living at home and will hardly incentivize anyone to begin looking for work when they are well enough.
The UC amount would be less for anyone going through the LCWRA process after April 2026 as that element is halving for new claimants. I suspect with the number of young people claiming and the fact that over 2/3 of people going through the work capability process are awarded LCWRA rather than the lesser paid LCW, this is why they are reducing/ halving that element. It's completely unaffordable with the sheer numbers that are claiming.

UC don't let you sit there on benefits, they'll be trying to get him into work.

OP this is the wrong place to ask. Contact the national autistic society for guidance. Your son sounds like he might be suffering autistic burnout. It is quite dangerous and he needs support. Many people on here will not understand this at all and are simply seeing it from a neurotypical parenting perspective. Edited to add, sorry I hadn’t read the full thread and you do sound like you know what it is. Many posters on here don’t understand it so it worries me when people post asking for help when a young autistic person is struggling.

Work out what the right type of job is
Get medication / support
Get help to develop strategies that build confidence/ resilience

His mum.is not going to be here forever. She should support him.in buildings his skills/ indeoendence not just doing any unsuitable job.

Benefits should be last stop option only.

The entire point of benefits is that they’re a safety net. This attitude is exactly the reason that the benefits system needs reform.

short term he needs a break. Whether he gets signed off or leaves and claims UC.

When he recovers from burn out you can look at what next. Some further learning / training / support might be good for him and some meaningful volunteering.

What does DS like doing? And is there anything he can do related to that even if it’s voluntary to begin with

I definitely think he needs at least a break of 6-12 months to recover from this burnout . I think I need to find some kind of therapy and support to help him also accept a different type of work. I feel as if his adhd attracts him to high pressure jobs that his ASD then can’t cope with ? He also has no attention span and can’t do tasks he needs to at work (yet at home can spend hours of his free time doing his interests eg writing codes and other repetitive things which I think he does to calm himself)

I’m not sure a volunteer role would be suitable at the moment as would be more work for anyone there to also keep an eye on him. I know I could go as well but I’m really not feeling able to due to health issues. I think a break and recovery/reset is what’s needed

Most people on long term UC only likely don’t own their own home, they rent or also claim other benefits.

I do know someone who claims UC and is a homeowner. She also claims DLA, LCWRA, and carers allowance.

I would assume that those getting only £400 is rare, and the issue is that people on UC shouldn’t be penalised for not renting, support to pay your mortgage should also be available.

I just don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to have £400 a month just because they live at home. They’re entitled to it like anyone else.

That all takes time, and during that time I think reasonable he receives state support.

Do you live in the UK? Plenty of council properties and nhs care for people that have never paid ni, in fact it pretty normal.

Oh it sounds like you have tried so much but it just isn’t working right now. Take a break, let him rest then you can sit down together and think about what might work in the future.

he’s only 20, he has a long life to live and this sounds like torture.

My son has various ND diagnosis and I am supporting him through Uni. It may just break us. It’s so hard dealing with the emotional toil it takes in both of us.

I’m really sorry if I seemed snarky. I was just referencing my own position and I don’t know how rare it is.. I was grateful for the £400, even though it was difficult to live on. I didn’t mean to be rude but I can see how I came across.

You didn’t, at all!

PP were making out like OPs son would become a hapless benefit scrounger. Those people do exist, but they don’t usually own property and they’re taking more from the system than just UC - that’s all I meant.

But I didn’t actually think your tone was snarky so no worries haha!