DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

[dswork]

DS 20 has ASD and ADHD. Since 18 he has had multiple jobs and not coped with any in any form. FT, PT, retail, hospitality, admin etc etc.

Every job requires me to support him SO much. I have to help him get ready, deal with panic attacks and anxiety daily. Call in when he can’t leave the house, drop him off and pick him up and through every shift offer support with calls and messages when he has to take breaks . I’m exhausted and he just can’t seem to cope.

He gets PIP. Do I suggest to him that he puts a claim in for UC? To have a temporary break from working as it really doesn’t seem to be working out at all? The GP is supportive as says the stress and anxiety for DS is so high that he’s in burnout.

Absolutely not! What kind of life will he have if you’re allowing him to give up on his future at 20?

Is he medicated for his ADHD? He needs help to overcome his difficulties. Work on helping him sort that. If the GP is not helping then go private.

Your great grandfather obviously wouldn’t have had the same issues as DS does.

There would have been many people like DS but if they appeared different then they would have likely been locked in a mental institution or been in prison for being ‘odd’. Even today 75% of the prison population is ND.
If he was on the other side he would have been murdered for being autistic.

Thank goodness we know more about different neurodivergent needs and ways to support them and we’re starting to get away from these old fashioned views.

Your gp is supportive which is great.
My younger son has autism, adhd and depression and gets enhanced level pip and uc with the lcwra element. Due to the severity of his disabilities, paid employment is not something he is capable of and would be a risk both to himself and to others.

Like fuck is he or your son on the scrapheap as a pp so charmingly put it.

Apply for uc with the support of your gp ask for the work capability assessment.

There are groups and services your son can access. My older son also autistic is part of some great social groups for adults on the spectrum which help him a lot.

Right now your son is unable to work. Focus on dealing with that. Don't see the whole of his life and try to make decisions based on that. Just take this little piece of it. The rest of the pieces can wait.

Has he contacted Access to work? He could get help to stay in work, e.g. a coach so you don't have to do all the support.

You are both doing the right thing atm. Keep going until he finds a job he’s comfortable with. When he achieves this, great things will happen for you both. He’ll have money and be independent. Eventually he’ll move out, with or without someone.

If you stop putting the effort in now, your son may be on benefits forever and have to live with you forever. Single men are not a priority for social housing. I can’t see anything good coming from not working.

Can you explain what he is good at and what he enjoys. I’m wondering if there’s something he can do part time, from home. Or if he takes a break if he can go on a course at home to build up different skills. It does sound like he needs a break - but I would be hesitant to remove routine, and purpose from the day-to-day, if I were you.

He shouldn't need any anti anxiety meds, he needs to live in a world that does not cause him anxiety. It's ridiculous and ableist to suggest that someone with a disability should be medicated in order to go to work. I hope he can get PIP and UC
What world is that that doesn't require work to support yourself and where your self-esteem is not destroyed by lack of activity?

OP - is he completely unmedicated? If so, that's the first place I'd start - speaking from personal experience (ADHD, depression, anxiety), I've found sertraline and proprananol to be a lifeline. I also have low blood pressure but haven't come up against that as a barrier to medication. I'm on a really low dose of sertraline which just takes the edge off for me and has made life so much easier to cope with. Without medication, it's going to be an uphill struggle - it's there to help!

I took them for 30 years to enable me to to work. I was glad to be having fun with my colleagues and earning a good wage.

Drugs were invented for a reason after all

Good advice!

Well the world isn't like that, unfortunately. Speaking as someone who really struggled with severe anxiety until I started on antidepressants and proprananol. It's not ableist at all to suggest that medication for anxiety might help with anxiety.

I think (not 100% sure) that on of the neurology transmitters sertraline targets ( apart from serotonin) is dopamine.

Fluoxetine made dd worse but she absolutely flew on sertraline.

I'm glad you have.
If I chose to say my bit, I would probably be banned for life from this mad society and it wouldn't be that bad, but sometimes this forum provides me with entertainment.

I've found it great for anxiety - without it, I really struggle with compulsive thoughts and terrible health anxiety, but all that's gone since I started taking it. I didn't put on weight or anything like that either - I am on a very low dose though.

After my nephew (AuADHD) graduated he really struggled to find work and did loads of placements through charities and access schemes but they were mostly customer-facing and needed rapid customer service abilities. For the last year or so he’s been doing two shifts a week in a warehouse and is now feeling confident and stable enough to look for better paid work with more prospects.

your son is actually doing amazingly well to keep getting jobs at all in the current climate but if he is burning out from the ‘wrong sort’ then something lower stress whilst he rebuilds his confidence and resilience could be really valuable

he could also look at entry level apprenticeships in things like NHS/public sector admin where there’s a fair degree of low stress, repetitive work and ongoing support from a learning coach whilst on the apprenticeship.

he really will need functional skills qualifications in English and maths though

I agree that sticking with something is the key. because then you gradually understand more and more about the organisation and the processes and the anxiety starts to ease.
I would be asking work if they have any employee support available. I know my husband has been able to access support for people with autism and this has really helped him managing in the workplace

I agree. I take medication to enable me to manage my physical condition well enough to be able to work. Likewise I take anxiety medication to keep me mentally well enough to work

You're getting a lot of ableist replies OP. You say he has no GCSEs, does he have any other qualifications ? Would the King's Trust be able to help? With either qualifications or work? I think he needs to decompress and they many be fo some voluntary work.

This post is great. Do this - poster knows her onions.

This gives you a plan for 6 months at least and things change.

I’d add that once he’s signed off sick, would you (both?) be able to get a break aka holiday? I’m not trivialising how you’re feeling now, but amazing what a break can do.

Lots of advice here on what might work longer term for him and you.

Also as mum of ADHD teenager, I know how difficult it is and the toll it takes (we are on GCSEs at the moment, world of work is a looming challenge). You are doing such kind and loving things for your son.

Maybe he needs something to channel his ADHD my son is a barber and he has made a career out of it !
Jobs before this and college didn't work for him he works by himself I do his accounts and run shop bills ect .
Maybe he needs to get back to college and do something he fancies I did have to push my son , he has very successful career now thou !
Don't put him on UC

How cruel.

The OP has been supporting him and he is clearly struggling and has a disability. Some people do have disabilities which makes life more difficult. Try scrolling by if you have nothing helpful or nice to say.

Nearly all symptoms you write are surrounding severe anxiety, I think I would see a doctor again and look for anxiety medication to treat rhis to be honest, before I suggested he quit,

@dswork I also just want to make sure that you have seen the post up thread about using Access to Work. It is definitely worth exploring for getting him to and from work and other support.

I read the updates - he wants to work, it just doesn't work for him.
It sounds he really isn't cut for customer facing jobs, at least not now.

Agree with him to intentionally take some time of (plan it for few months) so he can start thinking about the jobs he might be able to do more easily. Get UC to get him more attention.

He can than start with some volunteering or small gigs to try different things out and find what might work for him - dog walking, window cleaning, law moving.

Of course the low stress jobs are harder to find, but he needs one place which will work for him, not a streak of failures and burnout.

The problem with this is that unless he is formally assessed as LCWRA he will have to seek employment & work the hours in order to receive UC. You don’t just get UC and decide not to work.