DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

[dswork]

DS 20 has ASD and ADHD. Since 18 he has had multiple jobs and not coped with any in any form. FT, PT, retail, hospitality, admin etc etc.

Every job requires me to support him SO much. I have to help him get ready, deal with panic attacks and anxiety daily. Call in when he can’t leave the house, drop him off and pick him up and through every shift offer support with calls and messages when he has to take breaks . I’m exhausted and he just can’t seem to cope.

He gets PIP. Do I suggest to him that he puts a claim in for UC? To have a temporary break from working as it really doesn’t seem to be working out at all? The GP is supportive as says the stress and anxiety for DS is so high that he’s in burnout.

I sympathise ,my DD struggles like this .It's very stressful .She has had a variety of jobs and its made her unwell.I think the current climate of jobs to fit all doesnt work very well .Mums are stressed out so much as well.

I think you need to encourage him to take sick leave for a breather. Then use a bit of time to work out what is next -

• could he talk to his current employer about support/reduced hours in his current job?
• is there another line of work he'd enjoy?
• what else would he like to do?

@dsworkI feel for you. My DS age 20 with ASD and ADHD as well as physical disabilities, has just left university as wasn’t able to manage. He’s really not in a situation to work, in part it’s burn out but in part he hasn’t got the capacity to manage himself and isn’t able to respond to me in as I could when he was younger. I am considering supporting him down the UC route too. We are all exhausted, it’s tough.

Do you have any experience of an AUDHD young person in repeated episodes of severe burnout?

Yanbu op. Autistic burnout with or without ADHD is truly awful. I have an autistic child who is showing signs of burnout and struggling to finish a 3yr Uni degree course.

I have said to them that they may need to take a gap year to come home, rest and do nothing and then go back and finish the degree when recovered.

You can’t push through burnout
You can’t try something new instead of rest as something new is also stressful
The longer or harder you try and keep going, the worse the crash and the longer the recovery.

You clearly have no idea of what the OP is coping with.

OP< is he on medication? The correct - maybe slow release – ADHD medication (something like Zaggitin?) in conjunction with a low dose of an anti-anxiety like Sertraline might help.

In your and his situation, I would suggest he ditches work, gets UC for now, and you agree with him a plan to help him get better over the course of a year or so. I did this with DS at around that age. and it was exhausting. We did a lot of CBT worksheets helping him understand self-compassion and self-care, helping him identify and combat various aspects of distorted thiking. It helped a lot to find online sources - especially videos fronted by young men of a similar age to him, which explained how these things worked. He didn;t quite trust his mum, but my advice in conjunction with a few cool ADHD?autistic influencers did get through to him.

It really was draining on me, but worth it. One thing I noticed is that he never seemed to register how much support he was getting and that it was working until he was almost fully better. You just have to keep going.

Now DS has a full time job, lives in a flat with his mates, has a girlfriend. None of this seemed possible a few years ago. The job still utterly exhausts him. But he can cope with it. And he does make time to socialise too.

I would give him some down time and then look at programme such as the kings trust followed by a supported internship. I know you can still claim UC whilst on the kings trust programme.

ignore the shitty post about putting him on the scrap heap clearly a poster without any understanding of the situation. There’s nothing to say you D’s won’t make it into paid employment in the future but it sounds like he needs to access some more supportive programmes first to get him there.

Also, I have ADHD too and have realised - sadly - that I just can't work full time. I can either do full time work for a few weeks then take some weeks off - so short term contracts are fine, or work about 20-25 hours a week. My brain just needs extra processing time. I wish it didn't but it does. Maybe help him ease back into work - a couple of short shifts a week, and also help him as a longer term plan, work out what he is good at that can earn him the most money per hour so he can do fewer hours but still earn a reasonable income.

Yeah, this is me when I'm working FT. I sleep all the rest of the time.

You do need to scaffold him but not enable him tho, as this can't go on.

Give him some space and then find work where he's out and about, not having to deal with people all the time and it's time-bound or finite. Honestly, there are jobs suited to adhd people and it's finding them.

There's also help from the government if he has extra needs (can't remember what it is but the ads are targetted at me!) or he could go and study (DSA).

Temping might also work better for him, as short-term contracts.

Did he cope well at school? Does he like routine? What are his hobbies (outdoors, gaming, reading...?)

It's obvious that both you and he are wore down. Perhaps a few weeks of a break to restabilise himself would be good, but I wouldnt be putting him on UC just yet.

Hes only 20. He has a long life to live yet, but unfortunately he's just at the age where he is figuring out what that life involves.

Have you both looked into accessible working or volunteering? So a job whereby he isn't so tied down by the 9-5, 5 days a week etc.. where if he's unwell then his employers (usually a volunteer service or got funded scheme) take this into account and offer him some options whether that be reduced working hours, more breaks, more flexibility on timekeeping (for example start between 8-10am) etc.

I don't think anybody would argue he ought to stay in roles that are making him ill, but doing nothing could be catastrophic if it becomes the norm. He's so young and it would be such a shame if his potential was wasted.

Outdoor or physical work is probably the answer. Could he learn a trade, be an assistant to a landscaper / gardener, labouring...anything like that?

Once he is allowed to jack in work (and have people like me who have worked consistently throughout adulthood pay his way through life) that will be it. He will be living with you forever, he will be sleeping until well into the afternoon, gaming every hour he is awake, eating crap, being monosyllabic and will become yet another unemployment statistic.

Each person can check their own Info

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

PIP info

www.gov.uk/pip

What does he aim to achieve in the 'break' from work that will make employment easier in the future?

If it's to gain a skill, complete voluntary work or work experience or to have therapy to help with anxiety & social skills then it's a good idea.

If it's a 'break' from trying to manage & he won't be doing anything productive instead then I think unfortunately it will do more harm than good & will make it harder to get back into education or employment.

Universal credit
Sick notes
Apply for LCWR

https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit

I would suggest a short (2 weeks max) fit note from the GP and then try to reduce hours to what he can manage. If he takes a long time off, getting back into work will be really hard.

Long term, better to find paid work that he enjoys

You are right that something needs to change but just quitting maybe isn’t the answer. Have you looked at something he could do and he’d feel more confident, maybe working from home , or outdoors etc etc.

I would say he needs something part time so he doesn’t end up relying on UC and he contributes to society. He could claim UC top ups I think.

It really depends on the work coach he would be under, unfortunately some actually create more stress.

The dwp do have work psychologists that can help him identify which type of work would be suitable for him, the aim is finding out what work is suitable means you're more.likely to be able to stay in a job long term.

The days off signing on and being left on a scrap heap are long gone.

Good grief
At 20 my great g fathers were a spitfire pilot and on a destrier in WW2
That is what I call stressful
They did not say they cannot work - they got on with it

Stop enabling him

What sort of jobs is he doing? I have a friends who’s son has similar challenges. He’s been working for a supermarket part-time packing van for delivery. It’s very organised, process led work. No contact with customers and very little communication needed. He’s thrived in that environment as it suits his asd/adhd traits. Would something like that help you DS?

My concern for him would be that if he gets too comfortable being at home, he’ll never want to return to the workplace. It’s true for many people with anxiety. They avoid the thing that makes them feel anxious so much than it makes it feel impossible to return to.

What about disabled employment support?

Or working part-time?

The alternative is that he stops working at 20, and no longer participates or contributes to society, and retreats from the world ... That might be a recipe for depression.