DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

[dswork]

DS 20 has ASD and ADHD. Since 18 he has had multiple jobs and not coped with any in any form. FT, PT, retail, hospitality, admin etc etc.

Every job requires me to support him SO much. I have to help him get ready, deal with panic attacks and anxiety daily. Call in when he can’t leave the house, drop him off and pick him up and through every shift offer support with calls and messages when he has to take breaks . I’m exhausted and he just can’t seem to cope.

He gets PIP. Do I suggest to him that he puts a claim in for UC? To have a temporary break from working as it really doesn’t seem to be working out at all? The GP is supportive as says the stress and anxiety for DS is so high that he’s in burnout.

Take a couple of weeks off sick to begin with if the doctor signs him off

Consider job like the post where you are mainly outside on your own although there is the sorting early morning

@dswork I hope you are able to take reassurance from the genuinely positive helpful posts on here and ignore the nasty judgemental ones from posters who have no idea about autism or ADHD.

It sounds like you both need a circuit break, that DS needs to step off the treadmill and get well and then you can hopefully both make a longer term plan. It is great your GP is supportive and recognises the burnout for what it is. Your DS is still very young. Clearly retail and hospitality are not options for him going forward and I would imagine that an admin type role will have been utterly overwhelming. There will be career options out there for him but he needs to get well first.

I have a 21yo with ASD/ADHD who needs a lot of 'scaffolding' and probably always will. I sometimes despair at the amount he seems to need to sleep but as others have sensibly pointed out, that is a burnout coping mechanism. University was tough (though he got an excellent degree in the end) and whilst he is currently managing a job it is very part-time and I am not sure if he would cope with more at present. The plan is to build up slowly to try and avoid burnout. He takes meds for both the ADHD and for anxiety, sees a counsellor once a week, and has a martial arts hobby he loves. But looking back on the last three years, I would say it was only when he started taking the anti anxiety medication that his ability to cope really started to improve.

Is it worth exploring other medication options for your DS? If it helps, we got specialist advice about anti anxiety medication (as had to be careful with the ADHD meds he's also on) and he was prescribed venlaxfacine which does seem to help.

I wish both of you all the best, it is very very tough parenting an ND young adult.

As heart warming as this little ancestry report is, it's got absolutely nothing to do with the OP or her son.

I think a break is a good idea if he is near burnout because the more mentally and physically exhausted he gets, the longer it can take to recover.
Whilst recovering could you explore what he really enjoys doing and what hours or work schedule he could cope with. As a late diagnosed adult I've discovered at the grand age of 40 that I like chaos/random shift patterns or night shifts.. I'm stuck in a 9-5 job because childcare would now be an issue for me but as soon as my children are old enough to stay at home alone at night I'll try for a job as a 999 call handler or something similar which I should of done 20 years ago!!!

My 15 year old Neurodivergent daughter is no longer at school because she couldn't cope and attends a "school" that is community based and her education is very non conventional, try to be creative looking for his next opportunity and align it with his whole personality not just certain sector.

Can the GP signpost you to any support? I'm thinking therapy or services which help young people with mental health difficulties, careers advice and further training.

I do think it's better to tackle this now rather than keep pushing him when he's so unwell and close to burnout. I think customer facing roles often aren't the best fit for a person who struggles with anxiety and panic. I'm similar to your son, that it's always taken a lot to just get out of the door and I've always worked customer facing roles. I changed jobs every couple of years throughout my 20sas I was convinced I could find a workplace where I didn't feel constantly on edge (didn't happen). I'm now in my 40s and holding down a job has taken so much energy that I don't really have a social life, as I prioritised needing to be well enough to work over everything else.

What sort of things is he interested in? I think if he can find work in a field which interests him, possibly with a work from home element, that may feel a bit more manageable.

This is so true.

The thought of returning to the workplace after being out for so long, could have a very detrimental effect.

OP, if I were you I'd fight tooth and nail to keep him at work but with help from any outside agencies you can find.

I agree.

I lost my job and was only out of work for a couple of months and I had massive anxiety going back.

I can imagine this would be way more stressful for an autistic young person.

Yes he should get UC and be in the LCW group, you will need Fit notes from your doctor sending in until UC can assess him.
Ignore any negative posts

I don’t think it’s a bad idea at all to give you both a break to focus on his future. This is unsustainable.

What is he good at? Does he have any passions? Would a working from home job suit him? Or something outdoors?

He would be better off working with animals. Even if it is just a volunteering position to start with. People with ASD and adhd have benefitted massively from working with animals so I would personally look down that route first - and also start part time and build it up

What does he enjoy?

What would be his 'dream' way to spend his time?

What are the things he really hates?

What are the things that cause the most stress?

Get him to really think about those and emphasise that, especially the last two, aren't necessarily the same thing.

They're questions we've been asking autistic DD as she comes up on college applications and starts looking at careers. It was interesting to see how differently she saw some things and that, in fact, some of the things she enjoys most would likely also leave her exhausted taken in a 'career' direction, whereas things she hates, she can cope with day to day fine. 'Boring' can be an asset here.

(FWIW - It also became very quickly clear why we're seeing such a surge in people not able to find work that suits. We're losing hundreds of roles that people with these issues would have slotted into just fine. DD, for example, would have been an excellent 'old-style' librarian - cracking memory, loves books, polite, peaceful and just a little quirky. She'd be perfectly happy spending all day cataloguing, shelving, tidying, finding things, chatting, making suggestions and from time-to-time, deep-diving a topic with someone and it is her 'dream job' - but the role is dying off at speed, certainly as a paid job that can support someone, and the way the GCSE English exams are structured is so NT biased that despite a vocab and reading score off the charts, and predicted 8-9 in other essay based subjects, there's no way she'll be able to get anywhere near the grades at GCSE and A-Level in the subject to open the field anyway.)

In the short-term, yes, he absolutely should claim. He's tried, it's making him ill, and he needs to step back and let everything settle down again.

But it needs to be framed as a window to reset and make plans, and not as 'here, do nothing' as that leaves him very vulnerable moving forward.

GP is supportive as says the stress and anxiety for DS is so high that he’s in burnout. @dswork

That's your answer.

He's in burnout. How bad does it have to get before you support him with what's best for his health?

that is an unfair comparison, just because they were fighting in a war in a plane doesn't make anybody else's jobs since then unstressful.

We’ve tried an equal amount of PT and FT jobs he just can’t seem to cope at all. In 2.5 years he’s had 9 jobs. He seems to want desperately to be working but then each day is crippled with anxiety before hand, can’t focus or concentrate and keeps having meltdowns during them sleeping after and neglecting most other things (this has got worse lately as he is sleeping through some meals plus isn’t showering daily as too tired or in a rush)

Ignore the unhelpful comments, OP. Most people have no idea how exhausting it can be dealing with ND children - even when they are adults.

It's not always true that people get "too comfortable" not working.

My kid missed years of school and was in his bedroom. Now he is at uni, working, has friends and a girlfriend. This all only came about cause he had time to rest and restore and work out what he wanted and what would work for him.

It's not always helpful to say that any rest time needs to be productive. He maybe needs some time to do NOTHING intentionally, rather than brush up on skills and make a plan, that could just make things worse.

There is so much judgement and lack of empathy on this thread.

Maybe you are supporting him too much - he is an adult and you are baby-ing him.

But sure, get him to quit work and I'll pay for him instead.

he has lost nearly 1 stone in the last 4 months.

@dswork
It is clear that working is making him more ill (as well as making you ill).

There are two ways for him to claim UC - one, be unemployed and seeing work, or two, be signed off sick or disabled.
If classed as 'unemployed', he will have to put hours into applying for jobs and evidence what he has done, how many jobs applied for, interviews attended, etc. and be quizzed on this every fortnight when he attends the job centre.
If classed as sick or disabled, he won't be required to look for work.

So I recommend going back to the GP and getting him signed off sick. He then leaves his job, claims UC as sick, and keeps getting further GP notes for as long as possible.
BUT he also needs a long term plan and outside professional intervention to get him into a job he can keep, with someone else supporting him other than you.

Don't force this long term plan though, until has gained weight and his health is better. Which may be a year or more, depending on his autism.

Whilst he is off sick, he needs structured activities that get him out of the house several days a week, every week.

Just be quiet if you have nothing useful to add. What a ridiculous, irrelevant comment.

That is a ridiculous comparison. Once of the really noticeable facts when I went to Bomber Command (a fascinating museum in Lincoln) was the extremely high mortality.

The ones who couldn't hack it or were unlucky were very quickly killed.

I would get the GP to sign him off for a month. Then, I would look into part-time work going forward.

Thank you for your kind offer.
Being off work and on UC is exactly what he needs for a while - this is precisely why we have a welfare system.

Yes he’s an adult but he has SEN so it’s a very difficult set of circumstances. He didn’t even get any GCSE’s so there’s an element of learning issues too. It’s not straightforward and to be honest he has tried so hard and always wanted to work it’s not laziness or being babied at all .

You don't have to add that you've never supported a young person with these difficulties, as it's obvious!

The ignorance and ableism of some (thankfully a minority) of posters is absolutely sickening.