Friends villa issue

[Foodieasfuck]

My friend has asked for my opinion and I’m struggling to advise.
She and her husband own a villa in the Canary Islands. Her husband bought it when he retired 5 years ago. They have been together 30 years and each of them has adult children (of their own).

They use the villa all the time and love the flexibility of being able to go whenever it suits them so they decided not to rent it out. It is a home from home with all their personal belongings in it.

They gifted each of their adult children 1 week each there per year for free, which works well usually. Sometimes their ‘kids’ also join them when they are there but they each have a week ring fenced so that they can use it too with their own families.

She has just found out that 1 of her husbands kids didn’t actually go himself last year. He let his mate and his family use it instead (without telling them). She has since found out that he charged them for the privilege!

My friend feels that the son’s 1 week per year allocation should be withdrawn because he can’t be trusted. Her husband thinks (to save any agro) they should just stop them all using it as “it was becoming a pain anyway”. It’s causing all sorts of issues between them and they’ve gone from quite a peaceful couple to being ‘at war”.
It’s a bit of a lose/lose situation!
I’m struggling to advise her.

Whilst I agree with her that the son shouldn’t be trusted again, I can see that singling him out will continue to cause issues with her husband.

not really an Aibu more of a what would you do?
YABU = stop son using it
YANBU = stop them all using it

It’s not “singling him out” it’s consequences for his actions! He sublet his week to make money without asking his parents. The other kids haven’t done that so why should they lose out?

Why does husband think allowing the children to use it for a week was becoming a pain anyway? What is his issue,other than his son subletting?

It is singling him out but that’s because he’s done something that the others didn’t do.

I’d give him a two year ban and then another chance. The others stay the same as they’ve done nothing wrong.

Why should they all pay a penalty for his wrong doing

He loses this years privilege - get a ring camera so in future years you can see who is entering and that will stop and CF’s too.

If the others are being painful about their privilege then more boundaries need to be in place depending on how they are being painful - why are the rest being a pain ?

Yabu.
Dont make this a "this is why we can't have nice things" its a perfectly fair perk to offer children when you are clearly fairly wealthy.

he should be singled out.

Taking it away from everyone is BS. Kids are expensive and the others prob massively appreciate a cheaper week away in school hols considering a week in shitty centreparks is 2k

Her husband's son gets told
"it's a family home not an extra income source. Ypu knew this and let strangers in our house. Its not okat.
You can come when we are there but the solo week is off the table as you abused it."

I think he means that is it ‘becoming a pain’ as they have to factor in these 4 weeks every year which means they can’t go then. They really use it a lot. Both as a couple and with friends separately. I’ve been - It’s beautiful.
They are generous people and were trying to share the benefits with their children and families.
Im leaning towards just advising her to stop the son going as he abused their trust. I think it’s made worse by the fact it is her husbands son and even though they have been together 30 years and there are normally no issues, she feels it is influencing her husbands thinking. He has form for being soft and would rather banish them all than deal with issue.
They are really falling out over it.

First of all, if they are married, the husband didn’t but the villa, both of them bought it - they own it equally.
Second, if 1 DS misused his ‘week’ by letting a friend go, how did you not know about it? Surely if you were expecting DS and his family to be at the villa on a specific week but they were at home you’d have noticed?
Id be telling DS that what he did was pretty poor, and it cannot happen again. But I wouldn’t be stopping him from using it in future. That’s just petty.

Could there have been other issues with the rest of the children, maybe not as bad but still stressful, like using their personal stuff, leaving the place untidy, breaking things, that would lead him to think better say no to all and no more stress!

Bit shit on the others to stop them all going. Might take a little planning but there must be 4 weeks of the year they arent using it.

I would either stop the one who let it out to a friend or give him a last warning as a compromise.

Why would they have noticed? Unless they live with them or next door, how would you know he was at home rather than away?

Well if he was gifted that week- what’s the issue with him renting it out? Granted he should have told them. Just set boundaries that they don’t want any one else staying without a family member there

Seems strong to just ban them all. Why can’t he reiterate that no one else is to be at the villa apart from family. 4 weeks out of 52 doesn’t feel a “pain” when it’s something nice for your family.

Not fair to ban the others. Strict rule re only for his use, absolutely no subletting and he needs to pay back the fee charged, that’s outrageous! If the son doesn’t want the place, then he doesn’t need to go. Pretty outrageous of him!

A bit off the point but isn’t there a 90 out of 180 day rule to stay in Europe after Brexit? So no British person could use it consecutively for longer.
It would be logical to extend it to other members of the family. Shooting each other in the foot if you don’t.
The issue is with being paid and using the parent’s gas/electricity/privacy and trust without asking.
Sit down calmly and work out how much those are worth. No need to be “at war” or inflict revenge on any of the offspring.

Would you be happy if someone said some strangers could stay at your house whilst you were away? It would be different if they generally rented it out but they don’t, it’s their home.

Can't they just tell him not to do it again and then forget about it?

Given that this is a one off, or the first time they've been made aware of it, I wouldn't remove the son's week just yet.

I would make sure to establish clear rules about usage of the house, and make them sign off on these as a condition to use the house on their own.

They could also have a ring camera or something at the front door so they can monitor who's at the house.

They've got 48 other weeks a year to use it. How can it be that much hassle between letting their kids go for a week each?

The son should loose his privileges for a while, the others haven't submitted let (for a profit!!) so why should they not get the benefit?

I’m not sure either response is particularly reasonable. Wouldn’t laying out ‘ground rules’ make more sense? He may not have even considered he’d done anything wrong, especially if it was to a close trusted friend of his.

It’s only taken 5 years for this to go sour with the kids?
I’m suspecting the villa was bought with the “golden privilege” over a certain* price in order to avoid the 90 day rule.
Maybe it hasn’t gone down well with the wife, either.
And that’s what’s causing friction.
I may be reaching with these ideas but OP, stay out of it.

*Half a million Euro IIRC.

I think the kids should continue just no ring fencing ie plan to come but we might be there no promises. They don’t owe kids a holiday without them. No one is renting it out knowing the parents might drop in

Can they not just tell the son not to do this again ? I think this is much ado about nothing..

Neither. Tell the son never to do it again otherwise the privilege is being withdrawn.

Try not to overthink it to much OP, I know she’s asked your opinion but it’s not like they’ve asked you to make a final decision for them. She wants your opinion so give it. What do YOU think? Don’t overthink it, her and her husband will make the decision in the end.
If it’s only been a small number of years and already the are arguing over letting their children use the villa, and it’s causing friction, I think they need to rethink the whole thing anyway. That said, I’d stop the cheeky son using it, but let the others carry on, they shouldn’t be punished for his cheekiness.

I feel like the language around this is quite formal. Gifted a week, ringfenced etc. Basically mum and dad let the kids use their second property.