Learning to drive is my husband bu

[lownessy]

Early 30s and learning to drive have weekly lessons my driving instructor had suggested I try practice driving during the week with out him if I can. My husband is refusing saying he won’t take me out as he doesn’t feel comfortable. I have no one else who could either. I am on the insurance for the car and I paid the deposit for it if that makes any difference. Today we had a 3 minute journey from our house to pick our toddler up and I suggested I drive there but he said no. I’ve had a lessons for a while now and just waiting for my theory test before we can look at me being ready to book my actual test. I couldn’t get a date for theory for a while. I’m desperate to get some more driving in but actual lessons are so expensive and I really just want to be able to practice driving with out being told go left go right etc I just want to be able to practicing driving myself to say the supermarket with someone sat with me in the car. I find 6 days between lessons a very long gap but can’t afford any more and husband can’t take any more time off to allow me to have lessons he goes in an hour late to work on a certain day.

I take my DS out as he's learning and the lack of control over the car is awful. I actually don't sleep well the night before because I dread it so much. I really wish I'd never agreed to it.

I learned as an adult and my DH didn't sit in a car with me until I passed.

I had suggested he supervised me, but i could tell he wasn't keen so I didn't push it.

It did cost me loads in lessons but I think that's just the nature of the beast learning as an adult.

Agree with PP it will be a shit show if your DH is nervous about it, and could wreck your confidence (or your relationship).

My driving instructor was always of the opinion that you should be totally test-ready and also 100% sure it won't knock your confidence, otherwise it's better not to go out practising.

Just to add, my bloke absolutely hates being a passenger. I’ve been driving for 35 accident free years and he still hates me driving him. I think his head would explode if he took a learner out. Some people are just not up to it.

When my son learnt to drive he had a few lessons with his instructor and when she said she felt he was ready to go out with me I then took his to an empty park and ride and he just went round and round.
This enabled him to get use to the car (very different to instructors) and meant he could go slowly and I could get more confident in him. After doing this a few times we then went out on the road (somewhere quiet) and this worked really well.
I knew he was able to use the controls etc and I wasn't as worried about him on a normal road.

We did this right the way up to his lesson and he passed recently first time.

Would your husband do something like this?

I agree with everyone saying that supervising a learner isn’t for everyone. I helped DD1 learn to drive and had to stop myself clinging onto the seat because it stressed her out 😂 If he doesn’t like the idea you’ll probably end up with an argument anyway.

when my DS was learning, his Dad took him as I am I felt very uncomfortable and scared. As much as I love DS I just couldn’t do it. I would have been a liability not help.

I've had to suck up doing this for my dc. I'm not comfortable - though that has eased as they get more practice. I didn't really have the option to say I wasn't comfortable - lesson prices are insanely high

You’re right that it’s really important to practice. The more practice the better your chance of passing your test.

You can’t force someone to be comfortable supervising you though. But, does he understand you’re not asking him to teach you? Just to be the responsible passenger.

There’s a reason jokes about teaching your wife to drive were once so popular.

my mum and me had a horrible experience when she was teaching me - she couldn’t cope at all and I stopped going out with her.

What exactly is he uncomfortable about? What is he worried will happen?

I wouldn’t supervise any learner driver. My DH barely likes being a passenger in the car with me now and I’ve been driving nearly 20 years, so I doubt he’d have wanted to supervise me as a learner.

Obviously, being male, he's in the wrong! Maybe the OP isn't a good enough driver yet, maybe he feels insecure when she's driving. If the OP manages to bully him into doing something he's not comfortable doing then she's the one being unkind and unreasonable.

Some people are not good passengers, my late OH taught me to drive, back when the world was in black and white, he always said that I was a far better driver than he was but even then he wasn't a comfortable passenger, I would see his feet moving on imaginary brakes and clutch!

I've just spent the last 6 months teaching DD to drive (alongside her lessons with an instructor), and it went fine, because DD accepted that she needed to do what I told her, didn't object to me grabbing the steering wheel when she was heading for a parked car etc.

A few years ago I tried to do the same for SIL. We made it two attempts before we agreed it was best she stick to learning with her instructor.

Some people just aren't cut out to teach a loved one to drive, and sometimes they are, but the relationship they have with each other isn't conducive to teaching them.

Dh went out in the car with me but was comfortable with it, if your dh is uncertain then he is not being unreasonable.

Ask your instructor if you can spend all or part of one lesson driving with no directions. Tell him you just want to drive around an area or to a Sainsburys.

Ya if he's not comfortable he'll make you nervous , is there anyone else who can sit in with you? When I was learning I got my sil to sit in with me to practice . Driving without the instructor is important for practice between lessons to build up your confidence

If you haven't even taken your theory test yet, then you are probably at least five or six months away from actually taking a practical driving test. Perhaps when he knows you are test-ready he will feel different.

Whilst extra practice in a similar car to your instructors with a confident supervisor is certainly beneficial. There is definitely an argument that it can also be very damaging for your confidence if you go out with the wrong supervisor.

I have two daughters, one who has passed her test and one who is still learning. I supervised my elder daughter two or three times, it was horrifically stressful for both of us and did more to damage her confidence in her abilities than bolster it.

If he is not 100% on board with taking you out, then it shouldn't be mentioned again. Unless you have been in a car like a sitting duck with a learner driver then it is very difficult to convey just how stressful and vulnerable you feel.

It can also depend on the learner. I taught two of my kids to drive and went out with them for practice. With my eldest DD I could NOT sit in with her. The other two were very confident but she was nervous and a tentative driver which just made my nerves worse and I had to stop.

My dad went out with my DB, but passed away before I started to learn. My mother like yours was a nightmare. She was a reluctant late learner and didn’t have the temperament for it. I subsequently took longer to pass but it was worth it in the end.

I wasn't comfortable initially but was fine after my DCs instructor suggested they'd be ready for me or their dad to take them out.

My DC benefitted massively from the ton of extra experience they got driving with me and their dad (their dad mainly). My DH made them drive to sixth form and back through rush hour traffic everyday prior to taking their test, regardless of the weather. He was braver than me 😅

I think your DH would be being unreasonable not to take you out a bit when you are at a later stage in your learning.

Very odd that he doesn't even want to try, if he is that nervous, he could start with you in an empty car park or something. If you say you are quite comfortable I think he is unreasonable to not give it a try. If then he realise that he just can't do it as he gets stressed or whatever fine.

I didn’t have any practise sessions. My DD is learning and I’ve taken her out and it was pretty nerve wracking! Were in London and lots of ‘hazards’ and I’m not sure if I was the most calming passenger! If your DH feels uncomfortable I wouldn’t push it - many an argument been started doing this! Do you know anyone else who’d accompany you while you practice?

You can hire dual control cars for a couple of hours.
I bought a wee cheepo car and my dp took me out in that. I learned way more from my dp than instructor, I probably would'nt be driving just now if it wasn't for him but he was an excellent and calm tutor.

Making the car move isn’t the danger, it’s dealing with hazards on the road and anticipating what other drivers are going to do etc which are learned skills you can’t get from the theory test or a handful of hours with an instructor.

@WelshRabBite Yes, that’s how I felt when my two were learning to drive. Driving alone is very different to driving with an instructor so I felt that they needed to have driving practice with a non- instructor. Otherwise, I’d have been terrified after they passed their tests!

Of course, I was still worried the first few times that they drove alone, but less so.

Reluctant supervisors can put you back in your driving efforts because if they are nervous this starts to impact on how you also respond to the road. I know two friends who ‘swapped husbands’ for the purposes of learning to drive because as couples both would end up either rowing or making the other one nervous. The dynamic of it being a friend seemed to work better than going out with their nearest and dearest - maybe it was the slight degree of separation. If he doesn’t want to do it then it’s best that he doesn’t. Do you have a friend who could help a bit? Maybe with a few weekend runs? I also wouldn’t take my toddler out as a learner, I just wouldn’t and I say that as someone who has been driving for 30 years this year.