Learning to drive is my husband bu

[lownessy]

Early 30s and learning to drive have weekly lessons my driving instructor had suggested I try practice driving during the week with out him if I can. My husband is refusing saying he won’t take me out as he doesn’t feel comfortable. I have no one else who could either. I am on the insurance for the car and I paid the deposit for it if that makes any difference. Today we had a 3 minute journey from our house to pick our toddler up and I suggested I drive there but he said no. I’ve had a lessons for a while now and just waiting for my theory test before we can look at me being ready to book my actual test. I couldn’t get a date for theory for a while. I’m desperate to get some more driving in but actual lessons are so expensive and I really just want to be able to practice driving with out being told go left go right etc I just want to be able to practicing driving myself to say the supermarket with someone sat with me in the car. I find 6 days between lessons a very long gap but can’t afford any more and husband can’t take any more time off to allow me to have lessons he goes in an hour late to work on a certain day.

I had to do this with 3 kids - it’s the most stressful thing I’ve ever done! “Had to” because where I live learners have to keep a log book and get 80 hours of supervised driving before they can do their test. If that’s not a requirement where you are I can see why people refuse to take learners out.

As pp suggested, we started with car parks, then industrial estates on weekends, then quiet streets at weekends and worked our way up to busy streets at rush hour. Maybe you could discuss a structured approach like that with him?

I’m so glad those days are over!

My first husband took me out on a practice drive. I made a minor error and missed a turn. He shouted at me so much I ended up pulling into a supermarket carpark, getting out of the car and refusing to get back in. Be careful what you wish for.

Good grief, what an assumption. The poor chap is probably scared and not confident in giving her extra practice. You have to have the confidence, correct attitude and anticipation skills. A lot of accidents occur in this type of scenario because the accompanying driver forgets that the learner might need advice and prompting. If both parties are comfortable it's useful but can be a complete disaster.

He didn't say he doesn't want her to drive, he said he doesn't feel comfortable teaching her to drive. I'm on his side, I wouldn't feel comfortable teaching someone to drive either

You can rent cars from Arnold Clark which are dual controlled which may help. I did that with my son. It was a few years ago now but wasn’t very expensive.

my dad took me out once never again

if hes not comforatable doing it dont force him instructiors are trained your dh isnt

Ive known plenty of experienced drivers that have said the same as your husband.
One being my uncle he had been driving 30 odd year, said no to his kids and my auntie.

Another was my sister she learned via lesson, and said no way would she learn or be extra eyes on the road for a learner.

If someone says they are uncomfortable with something it means they are uncomfortable with it.

Plus he wont have any control of the car like a professional learner has.

If he’s not comfortable doing it then it’s not worth it. Where we live, new drivers need 120 hours logged before they can take their test so it’s very normal for parents to do the supervising. I’m a nervous passenger anyway, and refuse to get in the car with my DC until they have around 45 hours experience! It would be far too stressful for me and them. Luckily their dad is confident and has successfully taught 2 of them to drive (third due to start soon).

You sound like a shit stirrer.
Making up things about other people that they haven't said.
Says all we need to know about you.

I hope op dont take your comment seriously.

He's uncomfortable with it he didnt say he didn't want her to drive.

Personally, I think that you need to practice outside your lessons to be a confident driver. Where we live, you need to log a certain number of practice hours in order to take your test so I did hours of driving with DD (20) and DS (17). We practiced in empty car parks at first and then went out on the road, gradually building up from minor to major roads. I could really see the improvement with the practice.

Neorher of them liked practicing with DH though, he was too nervous! Can anyone else supervise you @lownessy?

That's a fabulous idea.

I think it's a really important principle in driving that you try to drive within your limits. Don't get coerced into something that you feel is beyond you. I think his reluctance sounds like lack of confidence in himself rather than any reflection in you. You need to respect his limits just as you'd want him to respect yours if, for example, you had the flu, or were extremely tired, or had had a small, under-the-limit amount of alcohol and were uncomfortable to drive. It's the driver's call whether to get behind the wheel, and as your supervising person he has that same right and responsibility to refuse if he does not feel up to the job. It's a much bigger ask than you're probably aware of, especially without the dual controls.

He is very sensible to say outright that he is uncomfortable being in the passenger seat with a learner driver. Not everyone has the patience, ability or sheer nerve to do so. Whereas a driving instructor has dual controls, your car does not. My husband was very good when l learned to drive and, years later, when our children learned to drive. I, on the other hand, would have been terrified to be a passenger with a learner driver, especially one who had not had many lessons so it was better for me to admit to this and not go out with them under these circumstances. A car can be a deadly weapon and it needs someone to be in control and keep calm at all times.

"just waiting for my theory test before we can look at me being ready to book my actual test. "

Just to pick this up from your OP, @lownessy are you aware of the timescales on driving tests at the moment? Across most of the UK you have to get up at 6am on a Monday to book a test 5 months in advance. There are apps to get cancellations but there are a lot more frustrated learners than tests, so it's hit and miss. If you haven't even taken your theory yet, your practical might be a good few months off still. You'll need to find a new lesson slot I think.

I couldn’t do it. It was nerve wracking with a learner. My child has had their licence for 20 years and still won’t drive me. I scarred them that much. ☹️ If he doesn’t feel comfortable, don’t expect him to. Or, you too could be scarred as well.

I taught my DD how to drive, and it was very nerve racking! She crashed into a hedge (could have been a lot worse!!), which was a bit terrifying. There was nothing I could do without dual controls.

Unfortunately where I live, you mostly learn to drive from your parents, topped up with the odd lesson.

Not going to lie, I can’t say I blame him. It’s not ideal for you, but my DH is currently learning to drive and I am forcing myself out with him even though I am very nervous and uncomfortable, frankly I don’t have the calmness for it

He’s much better now than he was so I’m definitely more relaxed, but at the beginning my heart was in my mouth the entire time. But I still get quite nervous approaching busy roundabouts etc with him, and I do end up stressing him out when I get stressed

I think it’s unreasonable if he hasn’t tried.

But a lot of people seem to be really unsuited to sitting in a car while a learner drives. I’ve been teaching my kids, and it’s been going fine, but they say most of their friends parents are very nervous and make their friends nervous when they drive. It can be a bit terrifying and if you aren’t good at keeping your cool under pressure and interjecting calmly in plenty of time, it can be a recipe for ruining relationships - especially if you are peers rather parent/child.

Would he be comfortable driving you to an empty car park and letting you practice maneuvering? Just moving the car about, even if not on the road could help stop you losing as much between lessons.

YANBU, your husband doesn’t need to be “comfortable”, parents do it for their teen kids all the time. He doesn’t even need to teach you anything now you know the basics, just supervise you. All practice is good, even without instruction.

Even if you just practice manoeuvres with him in an empty car park, it will save time and money.

Does your car have an Emergency Stop function? Many modern cars do, the sensors detect if you’re too close to another vehicle/ object and warn you- if necessary, they’ll perform an emergency stop.

Our car is 8 years old and has this feature, it definitely made me more comfortable when out with my teenagers!

I agree with @ChattyCatty25 that just practicing in empty car parks will help hone your skills. Plus you can practice maneuvering into spaces.

This. Even with over thirty years accident free driving experience, I wouldn't take any learner out, especially not a family member. I paid for all three DC to learn to drive, from licence, lessons to both tests.
Putting DC on our second car's (a Fiesta DH drives to work) insurance as a learner would have cost very little. 2DS had cars as soon as they passed. I traded in my beloved Volvo to share a 1litre brand new small car and paid to put DD on the insurance after she passed. I only write that to show it had nothing to do with money.
I wouldn't have felt comfortable, would probably have undone their instructor's tuition and doubt my nerves would have stood it. I'm surprised any decent instructor suggested it if they know of DH's reluctance, unless you're taking lessons in your own car and not progressing.

Not every person with a driving licence is confident teaching a learner. I’m surprised it’s still a thing anyway, that any muppet with a licence can teach a learner driver. I think it should be done by someone properly qualified.

Op has stated he wants her to drive, so that is not the reason in this case.

But I'm not understanding why PPs are getting het up about this PP suggesting this: transport control (where an abuser blocks or sabotages avenues of independent transport, including learning to drive) is an EXTREMELY common manifestation of coercive control. A study on domestic abuse in the US found it was present in 20-30% of cases. An international study suggests this number is 58%. A large study in Mumbai said it was 48%, making it the most common form of coercive control.

It's perfectly reasonable to suggest that maybe Op's H is sabotaging OP. Sometimes abused women don't see what's happening and it is helpful for them if someone points it out to them.

YABVU

Its not fair to pressure someone into a responsibility that they don’t want and are not comfortable with.

I think he is within his rights to say no. My ex told our DS that I’d take him out to practice so now i’m going to have to do it and i’m not comfortable to be honest. I’d rather pay for more lessons. Not everyone is comfortable to do it.

Your husband is being really unreasonable and unkind, why does he not want you driving?

Maybe, maybe not. I refused to take some of my kids driving, but I was fine to take some others driving. Absolutely nothing about favouritism, just driving with some gave me the willies as their driving style was frankly, shit, and they didn’t listen to me at all, whereas they seemed quite happy to listen and take feedback and adapt when it was an instructor. Also, some kids my ‘instruction style’ didn’t suit well, whereas it matched well with others. So, we just don’t know whether the DH is being unreasonable or not.

ETA - I desperately wanted each of my kids to drive, so I had less/no running around for them. It wasn’t a ‘control’ thing over some kids. It was just that I believed I was not suited to being an instructor for some, as I was for theirs and I wasn’t comfortable. That’s not untoward control or abuse and my feelings could have just as easily applied to a spouse/partner as a child.