Learning to drive is my husband bu

[lownessy]

Early 30s and learning to drive have weekly lessons my driving instructor had suggested I try practice driving during the week with out him if I can. My husband is refusing saying he won’t take me out as he doesn’t feel comfortable. I have no one else who could either. I am on the insurance for the car and I paid the deposit for it if that makes any difference. Today we had a 3 minute journey from our house to pick our toddler up and I suggested I drive there but he said no. I’ve had a lessons for a while now and just waiting for my theory test before we can look at me being ready to book my actual test. I couldn’t get a date for theory for a while. I’m desperate to get some more driving in but actual lessons are so expensive and I really just want to be able to practice driving with out being told go left go right etc I just want to be able to practicing driving myself to say the supermarket with someone sat with me in the car. I find 6 days between lessons a very long gap but can’t afford any more and husband can’t take any more time off to allow me to have lessons he goes in an hour late to work on a certain day.

I live in Germany, here it is not possible to practice in someone's car, it's driving instructor lessons only, so it's expensive to learn. My German DH learnt to drive in the UK as he went to a boarding school for sixth form.
If you pass at the age of 17 you can't drive on your own until you're 18.

But he wouldn't be teaching you. He just needs to sit in the passenger seat to make it legal. He doesn't need to say a word !

There’s absolutely no way I’d take a learner driver out. Just the thought of it brings me out in a cold sweat. I’d rather pay for additional lessons.

Except he does need to take responsibility if she makes any mistakes, so it’s not the same as being an entirely passive passenger.

I once made a mistake when I was learning to drive and my then boyfriend was in the passenger seat as my ‘instructor’. I got pulled over by the police and it was him that got the bollocking, not me.

It’s really up to the driver sorry. It’s not for everyone, it’s really nerve wracking especially on open roads. Maybe he’d be more comfortable in a car park, doing some laps there or practicing manoeuvres.

Yabu

One of the most stressful experiences I had driving was when my husband was learning and I took him out. Never again! He is now actually the more confident driver out of the 2 of us (drives abroad which I refuse to do) and drives for a living but I hated the one time I took him and the lack of control I had.

Not everyone is suited or confident to supervise a learner driver

Indeed. I'm a decent driver but I would not be suited to doing this for anyone!

I’m a relatively new driver, I passed last August on my fourth attempt. I had weekly lessons and after a while went out in my own car with my husband supervising.
It was incredibly stressful for both of us, every time I approached a junction I’d see his leg moving as if to brake. He’d get pretty irate and more than once I stopped the car, got out and refused to drive any further. I didn’t drive with him again for well over a year.

When it got close to my fourth test he started supervising me again because I’d put lessons on hold between tests, just picking them back up a month before. My instructor did some motorway lessons with me because he’d taught me all I needed to do to pass the test, apart from calming my nerves, so it seemed pointless paying £40 a week just to drive around the area when I could do it for free in my own car.
This time it seemed to work and I gained so much confidence from this extra practice, we were going out most nights, and I attribute that to finally passing my test.

Just to say though, my driving instructor told me that he gave his wife a couple of lessons before getting in touch with another local instructor and paying for them to teach her instead.

I’ve only recently learnt to drive. When DH took me out in my own car, we bickered, every single time! I could see his foot going for his (imaginary) break.

and he is honestly the most calm, chilled person - would probably make an excellent driving instructor for other people!

do you have friends who could take you out?
I think it’s better that your DH has been honest and said he doesn’t feel comfortable than him going in the car with you and you both ending up stressed or arguing

@lownessy Also in my 30s and learning to drive 👋🏼 - how many lessons have you had? How’s it going?

I’ve had 16.5hours with an instructor so far. DH insured me on his car last week and took me out this week for 2 x 10 min drives…
And it will be the last time 🤣🤣

Honestly, I know it seems like a great idea to get more practice in - it’s exactly how I felt. But I didn’t take into account how nervous I would feel with a nervous passenger in the car.

Everytime we approached a junction he was going for the brake, he was constantly inspecting my feet to see what I was doing, he looked bloody terrified 🫠🤣
I drive for 1.5 hours with my instructor going out of town on busy roads, dealing with roundabouts, dual carriage way etc and he hasn’t touched his dual control pedals since a couple of weeks in when I got the hang of the gears. I feel comfortable and confident in what I’m doing.

But with DH I was flapping driving round my local quiet area as I could feel how uncomfortable he was.

My instructor made a good point that DH hasn’t seen me on lessons, he doesn’t know what I have and haven’t dealt with and what I am comfortable with etc. He also doesn’t have any control.

Would your instructor be happy with your DH going along with you as a passenger on your lesson to see what stage you’re at? That’s what mine suggested if I wanted it but I’d rather just pay for more lessons than try with DH again I think 🤣

If he doesn't feel comfortable supervising a learner, I'd say that's fair enough. His car doesn't have dual control either so he wouldn't be able to easily intervene if anything did happen. You do have to have a certain temperament for teaching learner drivers.

Or a certain heart and generosity of spirit

I tried to learn in a manual before I gave up and went automatic. I distinctly remember DH insisting he take me out driving and I was not confident in a manual with the bite at all so I started rolling down a hill. Obviously without the dual controls instructors have, DH couldn’t do much and that could have ended really badly!

I think it’s always best and safest with an instructor personally.

How does that work when so many posters have said they’d far rather pay for more lessons? Heart and generosity of spirit don’t turn you into someone who’s not genuinely terrified of being responsible for a learner driver.

He is not teaching you he is just supervising, my husband took me out driving most days when I was approaching my test, he usually drove to work to pick me up and I would drive home. On days out he would find a route that didn't involve motorways and let me drive, I even did some long journeys. It really helped with my confidence. He is being unreasonable and should want to support and help you in your effort, tell him to pull up his big boys pants and take you out.

Thankfully my DH took me out all the time. Even had DS in the back. It’s the reason I passed within 3 months first time. Your DH isn’t being unreasonable though if he’s not comfortable but I’d be asking the reasons.

I would never be able to take a learner driver out.

I had a very bad experience with my Dad teaching me to drive when I was 17. It was a very tense time, we got irate with each other, I ended up very scared and dreading every day. It wasn't our finest hour and it went on for several months. I did later on get a driving instructor too because I needed him to build my confidence where my Dad tended to shout a lot and destroy it.

DH had a similar experience with his mother.

Both of us decided that we wouldn't be teaching our own DDs to drive for that very reason. We would rather that we continued to get on with them.

I taught my DC to drive (in between lessons with an instructor). I fucking hated it, BUT it is soooo important to have loads of road experience before a new driver goes out on their own.

Making the car move isn’t the danger, it’s dealing with hazards on the road and anticipating what other drivers are going to do etc which are learned skills you can’t get from the theory test or a handful of hours with an instructor.

I understand your DH’s reluctance, but you will be a safer driver with more road experience and surely he wants that for both you and your DC (presuming they’ll be in the car with you when you pass?)

We all have to do things we don’t want to do sometimes for the good of our family.

It’s actually really hairy taking a learner driver out for practice drives OP. It takes a calm constitution and if your husband doesn’t feel comfortable, you need to accept that without arguing.
I’ve taken both my children out when they were learning and it was nerve-wracking in the extreme, I had to sit on my hands and bite the inside of my mouth shut so I quite understand your husband’s feeling.

It's hard because as a supervisor in a non dual control car you are pretty much powerless to intervene if something goes wrong.

It really depends on what your driving standard is up to, but maybe you could persuade him to supervise practice of some low consequence manoevres for you, eg parking in car parks.

Maybe not the full deal but at least some contribution.

I don't think your husband should be penalised for taking his responsibilities seriously.

I think it’s fair enough that he doesn’t want to. I hate being driven by anyone even with a license so would be so stressed with a learner behind the wheel. Gave DS one lesson myself and that was enough for both of us.

It won’t do your confidence any good having someone stressed and uptight sat next to you.

Do you know anyone else that could take you out to practice? A friend or neighbour? I would supervise you, if I lived near!

All these people saying your husband isnt being unreasonable…. I think he is. If he supports you learning to drive then he should be helping you.

I took my middle child out learning and it was scary but it had to be done or he wouldn’t be driving now.

My DH would only do it once I was test ready. I failed my first test - book again 5 weeks later. I failed on hesitation at junctions. That would only be solved by time in the car. He didn't like it (but didn't show that) but knew I needed the practice between tests and 1 lesson a week wasn't enough.
He wanted me to pass so in his mind it was worth the short term pain.

What a stupid fucking reply.

He isn't being unreasonable. My DH took me and it was a shit show. Likewise, I've now taken my eldest daughter and it didn't go well, I felt so nervous and hated nit being in control. Dh then hired a dual control car for lesrners and took her out in that and it was better. Maybe ask if he would feel comfortable in one of those?