The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Nah he’s taken a loan of you OP! And his poor DD must hardly see him. No wonder his relationship with his DDs mum ended. Selfish piss taker of a man!

All stepparents OR PARENTS don’t do this. This is total nonsense. I can’t see any way back from this.

Because he doesn't give a fuck about either of them, sadly.

I would feel a bit differently if you two had children together and you were a SAHM, supported by his income. In that situation, I think there would be some responsibility on you to step up and help out for the whole family

Why why why why why?? SAHM does not equal skivvy, earning a wage does not equal absolution from all other work and responsibilities.

Good luck. I don’t imagine this idiot is going to take this news well

Wow, this is pretty outrageous of him. Tell him tha from now on when he goes to the gym/training at the weekends, you are going out as well to spend time with friends and family/or other activity and he’ll have to sort some childcare. Stand up for yourself and do not allow this to continue.

I’m amazed you still find him attractive - there’s nothing less attractive than a man who finds every excuse under the son not to parent his own child.

Me and my ex had a total of 4 children between us. He had 2, I had 1 from previous and we had 1 together.

I remember he would always ask me if I was around on the weekends his kids were coming over - he always wanted me to be there, but he was more than capable of looking after the kids on his own. I know this because I left him with our toddler for a few days and it was all well - but some men have absorbed the misogynistic mindset that women must look after their children. When I entered the relationship with my kid, I placed zero expectation from him. So I do feel some men treat step mums as babysitters to their other children.

I would start having an evening to myself - if that means meeting a girlfriend or joining a local club, I would make sure he has 1 or 2 nights with his DD alone.

It’s a hard one and it’s sensitive and you also don’t want to say anything you will regret, but he has to learn that he is responsible for this child. If he isn’t listening to you then you will just have to show your serious through subtle actions.

Good luck with sitting him down and talking to him. But if you get nowhere - leave. He’s a dick.

Frankly, I think the whole concept of stepparents (excluding situations where the actual mother/father is completely uninvolved or has passed away) is kind of fucked, and the only people who expect their partners to be involved stepparents are ones who can’t be arsed to do the parenting themselves.

Your DSD already has two parents, she doesn’t need additional parents. It’s great that you’re kind and helpful to her, but you are not her mum and your husband shouldn’t be acting like you are.

There is a line between being a supportive partner and being a pseudo-parent and most remarriages/repartnerings and would be better off if people clearly understood this… not least because it would rapidly expose the piss-takers who are just looking for someone to parent their children for them, as well as the needy wannabes who want to muscle in on someone else’s parent-child relationship.

OP, I really don't mean to be harsh but i feel very sorry for you.
If you had even one ounce of self esteem you wouldn't be in this position.
Of course you are the nanny.
His mother stopped him using her and you filled the gap.
A woman with self esteem would no more get caught out by this selfish loser.

He's a shit dad snd you are free childcare.
Of course he's pushing back.
He would never have married you if you weren't free childcare.
He's all about himself, not his child and certainly not you.

If you had good friends they would have laughed at you getting used like this ages ago, long before you were silly enough to marry him.

If you stop being his free skivvy aupair, I bet your marriage will be over.
Men like him need a mug and he will move on quickly.

For your sake I hope you finally have the cop on to test that out.

I am sorry if that reads as harsh but you need to wake up, wasting your life with a selfish loser.

You deserve so much better.
Make no doubt about it, your biggest attraction to him is free childcare.

It’s not fair on his daughter either, she is there to also see her dad and spend time with him. I would remind him about that.

ExDP went mad about having DD whenever he wanted to but in actual fact he was always working and then staying after work to piss away his money on booze (pub “chef”), no different to when he and I were together. So his new partner (much younger) was made to come pick up our child (about an hour on the bus and the same back) and take full care of her. He even made her do this when heavily pregnant, he always told me it was he who would be coming to get DD. Pull him up hard by the bootstraps. Yes, you love being with her but it is absolutely not your responsibility to step up for him and you are being used for child care because he can’t be arsed. He’s making a fool of you at the same time as he’s letting his child down. You’re not even a step parent yet because he hasn’t married you but he equally expects you to take that role on fully. I’d advise you to run OP. Though I would worry about were that leaves the child but this is 100% not your responsibility. What complete idiot wouldn’t want to prioritise spending time with his child? I think you need to look at him with that in mind. And what that bodes for the future if you two had a baby together.

I'm sorry op he does sound like a complete waste of space who does not deserve you or a daughter.

Please for the love of god, dump this man.
Stop putting in so much effort for someone else’s child. She doesn’t love you, she never will. You will get absolutely nothing out of being an unpaid maid except the expectation to continue being an unpaid maid.

Find your backbone, leave, and don’t look back.

Unfortunately she has married him.
Poor child.
He's a total waster whose priority was free childcare.
Hence he landed OP.

These men actively seek out a soft touch to ensure they have their free time.
Unbelievable that the OP sits in and he is out every night.
Unbelievable.

I just can’t get over this. After perhaps the fourth time he left me to do bedtime I would have said ‘Uh…no chance. You’re taking the piss.’ And I would have put a stop to it.

Poor little girl is only 5 and her Daddy couldn’t give two shits. That in itself is such a red flag. When mine were that age my husband would race home from work to try and make bedtime. He’d get in bed with them as soon as he’d get in and read stories in my little girls pink single bed with his shirt and tie on. She’d brush his hair and put pink bows in it. He used to say all the stresses of the day melt away

I assumed he was just your partner from your first post, but just seen you’re actually married to this piece of work. What a turn off.

His Mother can see him for exactly what he is. He’s replaced his Mum with you.

Let’s get this clear HE is the default parent, not you. It’s fine for you to support him and help out but that should be through negotiation not expectation and he should absolutely appreciate it. He’s one of those selfish, lazy, entitled men who think people with vaginas have to take care of all the drudgework. Male privilege enables him to live his best life while you keep the home fires burning.

Fuck that!

Seriously I couldn’t live with a man like that any more. Been there. But they were my children and it was hard to leave. If it wasn’t even my child there’s no way I’d stand for it. Get out now while you still have the tatters of your self esteem. The way he shames, gaslights and manipulates you into feeling that YOU are being the unreasonable one speaks volumes. There is no surprise that his previous relationship broke up (was she crazy by any chance?) and no surprise that he demanded 50/50 to avoid paying child support while getting another woman to actually do the work.

You deserve so much better.

And he replaced his ex with his mum, no doubt.

You’re a nanny with a fanny, as they say.

YANBU. I’d be pissed off if my DH did this and I’m the kids’ biological mother.

100%. Ask him if his ex should have her more if it's not convenient for him.

Why did his first slave leave him?

So sad for this little girl- being put to bed at a ridiculous time of 6.30pm and not spending any time with either of her parents at weekends. She must feel so rejected. She is lucky to have you OP but this situation can't continue for her sake.

My friend 30 years ago was going out with a guy for 5 months and he had a child.
She met him through her work in Academia.
One Saturday night they were supposed to be sitting in and he suddenly had his child last minute.
As it happened his friend texted would he meet him down his local, end of the road for an hour and he said yes.
He told her he was nipping out and wouldn't be long....2 hours.
My friend was telling us this as she felt off about it.
Well, to say she was mocked and slagged by us for being a dimwit is putting it mildly.
We roasted her.
She's a very bright woman, is now a Head of Department in a University, but was a bit soft.
Well we roasted her so badly she ended things with him.
None of my other friends would go near a man with a child. They had far too much self esteem to risk getting caught and used like the OP.

I sincerely hope she sees what's really going on here.
How quickly did he meet her after breaking up with the childs mother?
The child is only 5, and they are already married?
A rush job to lock down childcare more like.