The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Honestly that is just crap - I only do 2-3 nights of bedtime stuff for my daughter as my partner works long hours and doesn't get to spend as much time with her - he wants that time with her because it's his daughter. How much time does he spend with his daughter between work and going out, how much time does he spend with you any day - it seems like he is just living life as a single man and you are having to pick up the slack. Every weekend we try and do one day trip together, usually on a Saturday and then Sunday we do some stuff together and some stuff separate but both always spend some time with our kid. It seems this little girl is not spending time with either of her parents at weekends, as she gets older that will manifest into feelings of rejection.

When my brother was with his ex she used to do what your partner is doing, gym every day after work and in the morning on weekends. They did spend time together when she was home but she went on weekends away with friends a lot (she was having an affair towards the end). Now they are separated and 50:50 she cancels seeing her kid a lot because she goes down the country with her affair partner or goes on holidays, she goes abroad every month and disappears for two weeks at a time - her ap has property in Italy and they go to lots of exotic locations. Recently my 12 year old nephew burst into tears about it when he found he would be with his dad for two weeks full time again because he feels like he is second choice. That rejection would be hard to get past.

I'm gobsmacked, what do u actually see in him?

Time for you to start being less available. Start an evening class. Take up those ad hoc plans with friends. Go out for that drink after work & just text him you'll be late. Work late at short notice and ask him to leave your dinner in the microwave. When he starts huffing and puffing about being home for dsd you need to say "well you need to stay home with your daughter or find a babysitter & pay them".

When he mentions an extra session of something or an all day weekend thing your immediate response is "so who have you asked to babysit dsd? I won't be here" (regardless of if you have actually arranged anything yet). He doesn't give you the courtesy of arranging things around you. So stop being the live in babysitter who's there for his convenience. This is supposed to be a relationship not an unpaid second job.

I couldn't be with a man who was so self indulgent and neglectful of his own child. You'd be mad to have any with this selfish wanker. How does he think his little girl feels or doesn't she cross his mind?

The lack of engagement on his part would be unacceptable for a shared child. With a step-child it is inexcusable.

I have to say, it's pretty shocking how easily he leaves his DD in order o pursue his hobbies and leaves you as well. He's her father and shouldn't expect you to look after her.

I’m a step mum, have been for decades, like you I adore my DSD (who is now an adult). I would not however have even liked my DH if he had shown so little interest in his own daughter? I wouldn’t have stood for that and not even for me, but for her. He’s her Dad, he needs to put her first. He isn’t. Huge turn off for me.
And he can get to fuck with the “all step mums do it” bullshit. I didn’t, I wouldn’t. And I wouldn’t be married to a man who had so little concern for his own child.

If you had a child that wasn’t his, would he be ok doing all the bedtime routine for half the week every week whilst you went out? It’s so typical of men to expect a woman to look after their child, it’s not ur responsibility, her time at yours is for him to be present. I’d start planning evenings out on those days as this is really unfair on u

nanny in post title, daily mail rubs hands, lol.

Totally agree with this.
It sounds like coercive control to me.
I would not want to be with a man who would behave towards his daughter in this way, he lives the life of a single man.
I wouldn't find this acceptable even without the daughter to look after.
It is not acceptable OP and the sad thing is you love that child and if you decide this is a hill you are prepared to die on, which I hope you do, and if your partner won't change, which he won't, you could end up in a situation where you lose contact with the child.

You should definitely start going swimming or yoga, join a book club - anything that means you need to be out in the evenings.

The fact his own mum is refusing is very telling indeed.no doubt his RL with DSD mum broke up for similar reasons. I would not continue and defo not get pregnant either!

This made me furious! You'd think he would want to see more than that of his daughter. She's not going to want to go to bed at 6.30 forever anyway, parents should be prepared to spend some of their evenings engaging with their children. He needs a good shake!

OP please take heed of the poll. It's pretty extreme.

You had me at 6.30-9.30. Then there was more - multiple nights a week, multiple times at the weekend. It's all too easy to cry LTB on here, but it's hard to read your post without saying it.

Absolutely. 6.30 sounds early for a 5 year old. It's unlikely to sustain much longer anyway. Eventually all children are up until 8pm, then 9pm...

Daughter needs time with her Dad. One on one time, bed time, story time.
Thats not happening. He is being unfair to his DD and also to you.

Fucking run, you're the (free) nanny with a fanny.

You admire men like this? 🙄

Can't speak for the
PP but I do in a weird way! In the same way that I am gobsmacked at women who manage to ensare some sucker to pay their way in the life and yet they dont have to give anything back.

The sheer chutzpah is breathtaking! Because most people simply would not have the brassneck or entitlement to behave like this, so when someone does it leaves me agog, and yes slightly admiring of their confidence self assurance.

A few thoughts:

1. First thing that springs to mind is how little time he spends with DSD (and you for that matter ) - not OK in my opinion
2. 6.30 pm is a very early bed time and won’t be that for long with a 5 year old so you will be doing a lot more soon and dsd will be missing more time with dad as she’s awake longer
3. you are sacrificing a social life for him

This needs a big chat and a big reset in my opinion and you need to arrange more things for you to get him to readjust his lifestyle

He’s effectively showing you his expectations of you now and in the future, because he will be exactly the same if/when you have your own kids.

He knows the amount of time he spends doing his own thing is unreasonable, but he’s happy with the status quo - why wouldn’t he be ? His reaction to you putting in boundaries is the big, waving red flag here. It’s manipulative and controlling. Is he this way over other things ? If so, you have a bigger problem than you think.

What if you wanted to go to the gym or out with friends? Ps 6.30 bedtime will not last for too much longer

Come on OP. You are being a total doormat. I wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour from my DH and our children are shared! How on earth did you allow it to get to this point?

Personally I wouldn’t bother trying to change him, he won’t change, just walk away. I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man who was this self absorbed and a shit father.

Not your circus. Not your monkeys. Ditch him now.

This to the power of a million.