The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Apart from being a crap dad, he doesn't want to spend time with you either.
Not really a great relationship is it?

So you have her all weekend and every night? When does she see her mother?

Is he 50/50 and therefore avoiding all child support? Fuck me! IF that's true he's a bigger prick than I thought.

He should WANT to spend time with his DD and it's a massive red flag that he doesn't.

If she was your child together, it would be totally messed up that he leaves all parenting to you. The fact that it is his child and he refuses to spend any time with her is actually worrying. You really need to make him be a parent or he needs to revisit custody agreement if he can't manage to reduce his ridiculous gym hours. And you, start making plans in the evenings

How did you end up marrying someone who was so clearly a terrible dad? I bet he has her 50% of the time so he doesn’t have to pay child support as he clearly has no interest in her and fobs her off at every opportunity

He really thinks it's OK for you to give up every evening and weekend to facilitate him, and not to have any life of your own?

If he doesn't acknowledge how wrong this is, it's time to think very seriously whether there is any future in your marriage.

He is Totally out of order.

He is acting like he has no responsibilities and like a pp said, this would be unfair if she was your own dd but the fact he doesn’t even have her all week but when he does he palms her off.

Maybe something to do with ex not being with him!

He's living as a single man, sorry OP you're enabling him. His poor child having to go to bed early so he can do as he pleases, it also sounds like you're doing everything, he's never there

I agree.

I can see why his ex broke up with him.

Out of interest, did he move in with you?

I was expecting to say UABU but actually it’s very sad that he doesn’t want to spend any time with his own daughter. I’m surprised he’s not spending time with you either.

Ive seen so many posts like this recently where the husband spends every waking second (apart from work) at the gym. It’s so bizarre. It’s the new way to avoid family and child care. 50 years ago it would have been spending evenings down the pub. I don’t think it’s particularly more acceptable because it’s a healthier past time.

So sad for these blokes who are going to reach their death beds having missed out on anything that is actually meaningful.

Don’t feel bad one bit op if he starts with the guilt trip because he can’t do his weekend sports. You say ‘I know, you’re so lucky to have been so enabled to do those sports like a single man for so long, and now you’re remembering you’re a parent.’

dh and I can’t do scheduled weekend sports at all. Because we are taking our kids to their games and training all weekend long (pretty much literally)

How long had you been in a relationship when you moved in together.

What would have happened if you'd made it clear you wanted to date him but didn't want to move in until his DD was 14. Would he have accepted it as he loved you for you or would he have been out there interviewing the next live in nanny.

Sorry he's using you. I'm a single mother and my childrensdad has them when it suits (every other weekend for less than 48 hours). Soooooo many weekends my kids come back telling me he went to a football game and she was working so they were bored in their room. Or that he went out for a football game and they missed him. He uses her but we get along so it's one of them, I'm not rocking the boat.

My partner is a full-time dad and I'm here to assist, not take over. That's how a step parent should be Imo. I love my kids and step son, so much but I also know my role as his step parent. I find it embarrassing my ex's girlfriend literally buys Xmas gifts, plans everything, picks them up from school sometimes and not him. It's mortifying but it's his decision. He's a shit dad and so is your partner.

No. It's his responsibility. It's fine once in a whole. I assume the girl's mum does not know he's doing this.

Ummm also 6:30 bed time for a five and a half year old is very early and sound alike it’s just convenient for him:

He is completely in the wrong @seasonofthebitch and whether or not you are ok with looking after her, he is wrong to disappear so frequently when he’s supposed to be caring for her.

I was like this with DSC…currently going through a divorce and I think STBXH is now starting to panic about childcare. It’s also been such a huge change for DSC as they now don’t have a relationship with the person that was their main carer (he won’t let me see them).

No regrets but we didn’t have DSC as much as you do.

This.

Jesus christ @seasonofthebitch raise your bar out of the gutter perhaps?

What a depressing thread.

So many questions...

Is it your house or his?
How old was she when he split with her mum?
And how long after that did you meet?
Why doesn't her mum ever have her at weekends?
Is he some sort of PT or just a common or garden variety gym bro?

I feel so sad for this little girl. Neither of her parents seem to care about spending time with her. It is wonderful that you care so much, desperately sad that they don't.

I wonder what the psychological effect is on the little girl that her own dad can't be bothered to put her bed most of the time on the comparatively few days she gets to spend with him per week.

He’s gaslighting you into believing that it’s normal for you to do his parenting it’s absolutely not. You have a choice Make plans and go out at least a few times once she’s in bed remember him that he is the parent not you. Go out with friends, join a gym, make sure finances are fair and he’s covering the child's costs.

Keep saying no. He’ll soon reveal his true intentions.

You really don’t have to parent his child, especially not in order for him to go to the gym on days when he is supposed to be parenting.

why are you?