The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

He’s taking the piss. All step-parents do not do this. I asked for an hourly rate of minimum wage when I was asked to be sole carer of mine. Needless to say I was never asked again, which suited me fine.

This. Stop this now, make plans to be busy. He is the parent.

I'm struggling to believe on what planet you are thinking this is OK....

You are clearly a generous and kind person op, but my advice to you is that you can be those lovely traits without being a mug. Good that you’re going to chat to him, but pleas understand that even if he went to the gym just once a week whilst you looked after his child, that would be enormously generous of you and he should be grateful. Have a chat to your sister this weekend to work out what you’re getting out of this relationship. And, look up the shark cage theory.

He will be using the expression "I babysat my daughter on Friday" soon.

How can you possibly find him attractive when he treats not only you, but his own daughter, like inconveniences?

we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together

So he did it before you moved in?
He obviously didn’t go or had mummy do it.

When you are a parent there are certain things you can’t do and the things you can do have to fit around your DC.

I’d think he was taking the piss even if he had DD FT but the fact he only has her PT and leaves the parenting up to you is awful!

Do you have nephews and nieces?
I adore mine. I spoil them, take them out, babysit them, buy them things, have them for sleepovers etc but I don’t do these things regularly nor is it expected of me because I’m not the parent.
You need to see it as the same.

A one off because somethings on that won’t be on again - fine.
But regular things like this - definitely not fine.

You are being treated like a mug and I’m glad you’ve seen sense because you sound lovely and you obviously care for DD very much but that does not mean her dad gets to take advantage of you.

Why doesn't he want to spend time with his daughter or partner?

When you sit him down, one of the points you should make to him is that the time DSD spends at your house is HER contact time with HIM - her parent. He is completely abdicating his responsibility to HER.

And that's before you get to him placing HIS responsibilities onto YOUR shoulders.

And thirdly - he seems to want to live the life of a single man, organising his life around going to the gym, running, training. I'd be inclined to let him have that, and walk away to find a man capable of a relationship.

I think you putting her to bed occasionally is fine, for him to leave you doing it all the time is completely out of order. Plus for him to vanish for exercise purposes for several hours during the day both Saturday and Sunday, beyond ridiculous.

But also, what attracted you to a man who had left his baby daughter and got his mum to look after her. Weren’t the red flags waving from the outset? And, if it was his muscles, then next time, look deeper.

poor kid. She lucky to have you but when does she see/spend time with her dad

so you can never make plans as you are looking after his daughter - WTF

why did he split with the mum / for being an useless arse ?

you need to start going out. Even if to a local pub go a coffee with a book

He's using you do the parenting that he is responsible for!!
And he's seemingly very ungrateful, too.
The longer you put up with it, the more he'll take it for granted.
No matter how much you care for DSD, you don't have to do this!
You're being exploited and taken for a bit of a mug, sorry to say.

Hit you are being unreasonable by mistake - you are def not BU!!!

I would definitely be planning lots of nights out - cinema, visiting a friend or relative, evening supermarket, out with friends, gym class yourself. No way is that acceptable.

I’m all for blended families working together but sounds like your partner is royally taking the piss.

He's very clearly taking advantage of having you there. I'd either come up with a busier schedule of my own to force him to take responsibility for his own child or (better yet) take a close inventory of this relationship. What does he bring to the relationship, honestly? Are you actually happy with a man who spends so much of his free time at the gym?

Ehh what if you wanted an evening hobby? Or just ad-hoc. You can’t because you’re caring for his child! The level of entitlement sounds insane.

is this right, you’re not actually married to him? The relationship can’t be that long-standing either, if the arrangements were in place before you met, and DSD is young enough to to go to bed at 6:30. So no, youre not actually family, and if you and DP should ever split, you’ll have no rights to see her . You’re not her stepmother. You are Dads girlfriend, and there is a big difference.
Even if you were her mother, it would still be wrong of him to expect you to take on full responsibility for her.
As it is, I don’t understand why you are giving up your own opportunities to go out, see friends, exercise, do your own hobbies. It’s not even you doing half the work, you're doing all of it! You are the unpaid nanny.
If I were you, I’d be telling him ( telling not asking) that you won’t be able to be babysit more than once a week ( and even that is generous) as you have other things to do. Book yourself gym classes, yoga, meet-ups with friends and make sure you’re out that door before he is.
But seriously, he has got some cheek, and I’m surprised you’ve let him get away with it.He doesn’t sound great as potential father to your children, if you want them.

Just looking at this from another angle, do you have a good relationship with her mum? Is contact 50/50? I'm just wondering if the mum is happy with this arrangement, as she gets no quality weekend time with her daughter at all, which is very unfair for her, unless of course she wants this.

Who pushed for every weekend and 50/50? Was it your DH? If so, this was simply to save him having to pay child support, and you've been had - big time.

I'd want to look at if her mum wants some weekends with her daughter, it might help rebalance things.

It's absolutely not fair on you or DSD that neither parent spends weekends with her.

And that wouldn’t be right either. There is no way I’d have accepted this, and my daughter is my own!

As a married mum of 3 kids I dont stay in every night to out our kids to bed as I go to the gym some nights or for dinner with friends. In school holidays as dh works in the daytime I go to the gym 3 nights a week and a sat morning. In term time maybe 1 night a week and a sat morning as I can fit my classes into the mornings then. Your dh is a man child. This is his child and he should be taking responsibility for her most of the nights and weekends she is there. Its not your place. She goes to see he dad. Its a huge bonus your a fabulous step mum but its coming at a price to you. Put your foot down, tell dh I am going out x night every week and you will be home for your daughter. Go straight from work end off.

I wonder if he is one of those parents who did bugger all at home for the kids pre divorce but then another wards pushes for 50/50 parenting. Showing it’s not about the kids, it’s about control. Given his response to OP, I suspect he is. Then when he got it, he went looking for an unpaid nanny.

His access arrangements are supposed to afford his child contact with her non-resident parent.
Where is he?

Why is your SD going to bed so early?
A 6.30pm bedtime really is very early for a 5 year old.
Is this early bedtime for the convenience of your selfish husband rather than your SD, particularly as he's in the gym from 6.30pm to 9.30pm, avoiding quality time with his daughter?

Never mind the fact he’s barely a father, he’s barely a partner - why are you putting up with this OP?

Oh, I see you are married. That still doesn’t make DSD your responsibility.

He’s living his best life isn’t he?