The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Leaving DSD out for the moment, what are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds as if he is barely ever home. I can't help feeling you deserve a lot more, as does his daughter.

The audacity of this man is unbelievable
I would book into a hotel for a week and use this time to make future plans for yourself.
He doesn't care about you or his daughter.

How come he can opt out but you can't? He is an utter arse but he isn't your boss. You certainly can and should opt out.

He will obviously massively guilt trip you because he can see his easy life disappearing over the horizon now that you have woken up to how entitled he is and how much he is exploiting your kindness and good nature. He will turn it back on you and say that you obviously don't love your step-daughter or you would be happy to look after her whenever he wants. He's a manipulative and unpleasant man and you will be better off without him.

It is not your responsibility at all.
It's not even a grey give and take area as you are child free.

How limiting for your life.

I would begin by cutting the evenings you do this in half and telling him you'll be going out on those and have your plan in place if he won't discuss reasonably and without this astonishing degree of entitlement.

I wonder what the child's mum would think if she knew (or maybe that's why they split)

Hmmm. Apart ftom him being the disgusting, selfish, non parent outlined above....wonder why hes really so set on those weekend 'training' sessions....

I’m confused as to what you get from this relationship?

it doesn’t sound like he has any desires to spend time with you never mind prioritise you OR his DC.

You come across as a smart, educated person with prospects beyond this eejit.

I don’t often say this straight off but seriously, seeing as he can’t even have a conversation about this without being a selfish git, it’s time to get those ducks in a row.

Love it at last a woman that treats the kid exactly how they should be. However don't have kids with this guy he's showing you clearly what would happen if you did. A dad in name only. The gym should never come first and your right you shouldn't be expected automatically that you be the one to be there for the little one but neither should her mum when it's supposed to be dad's time. That's actually really sad pop her to bed early just so he can do what he wants

He is treating you, and her, appallingly. He's not acting as if he loves either of you. He loves the gym. His mum clearly has the measure of him.

Sorry should have rtft. Well done for standing up to him. This sentence stood out to me 'obviously he was very annoyed', when you told him you were away for the weekend. No decent dad would be annoyed to have to care for his own DD for ONE weekend.

Even if you were the biological mother this is totally unfair!

Please ask yourself what you are actually getting out of this relationship.

So his suggested ‘structure’ is clearly going to be that you carry on as you are then. Twat!

So glad you’re seeing this clearly OP, you’ve got this 💪

Have Been a stepmother to my husband’s children since they were six and nine. I collected them from school, cooked, cleaned, bought birthday and Christmas presents, took them out for pizza, delivered them to school and play dates. But I always made it clear to my husband that he should not assume I would be available. The first summer we were together he suggested that we could manage summer holiday childcare between us. While I was happy to help out if he or his ex was stuck, I was not committing my leave to looking after his children, no matter how much I love them.

Your partner needs to sort out his priorities.

The AUDACITY of these men!

My initial response would be to let him outline how he sees this “structure” working and establish how little it differs from the current situation. I’d guess he’ll make a token gesture but you’ll still be expected to do the bulk of what you’re doing now. Give him enough rope etc…..

He's putting his DC to bed so early to get more time in the Gym @Alpacajigsaw , it's his small contribution to her life, no doubt when she won't go to bed that early bedtime would become the Ops job.
The more you say @seasonofthebitch the more I think not only does he not care about you but he doesn't care about his DC either. All he cares about is his gym addiction and having his own way, it's there in his message, no part of his gym time is optional

If he is keeping you awake by eating in bed at 11pm, I suspect that his selfishness goes beyond the childcare issue.

I would find him disturbing your sleep every night as unforgivable let alone anything else.

I was going to say exactly that. They don't usually afford the bang nanny the status of marriage, but then you've got a good career and I expect earning ability too OP. Valuable assets.

Honestly, he sounds awful and you'd be so well rid. You have so much going for you!

The irony is he's actually doing less than I'd tolerate from my husband when it's my own daughter. We split bedtimes etc, we arrange leisure time around family time where possible. This poor girl.

I feel sorry for DSD. Her whole life he dad has outsourced her to a women. Once you're gone he will pass his responsibilities on yo the next woman who allows it. He's opting out. He's her parent and she actually needs a dad.

I thought of this term immediately - it's a really nasty expression but it describes OP's situation precisely.

.

This 👍
I think I would book few weeks off work, go away and really think about what is going on, what do you get out of it. Does he share housework, admin etc or do you handle all that while you spend every night and weekend alone.
My husband had a daughter at 19 with eow visits. When we met I was clear I didn't want kids or to spend a whole weekend with one, that was his responsibility. We have been married 30 years. My husband would definitely have palmed her off on me to share the load if he could, it would have been much easier for him. I used those weekends for family and friend visits, I also arranged weekend adventures for them to go away for quality time, Alton towers, Disney, center parks etc. I got to know her as an adult and she told me that she loved those weekends just her and her dad, she appreciated I wasn't there, she hated her step dad and knew early that he was more important to her mum than she was.

DP rang me this morning. I said I was burnout, I didn’t feel like I was treated as a partner and that I needed some time for myself in the evenings and weekends after a stressful week at work.

At first he said that “we” are parents and this is expected. He also asked what I thought would happen when we had a baby. I replied that I didn’t feel comfortable in the current set up even considering it.

I said I was a step mum, and she has two parents already. I also said that he has DSD 50% of the week, so he already has a “break” from parenting and that he should manage that. He said that DSD stepdad “does nothing” with her, and he didn’t want that for DSD. I said I do a lot for DSD besides putting her to bed, sitting in every night and half days at the weekend. Eventually I said “if you think another woman would be more willing to act how you expect a stepmum to act, maybe you would be better off finding her, because I don’t know anyone who’d do it”

He said we need to talk about it when I get back but that he “does appreciate how much I do and how much I love DSD”.

Spoke also to DSD. She was wondering where I was. She was dropped off at 6am (!) by her mum as she’s away for the weekend. Which is dreadful to be honest. She must’ve been woken up around 5am for her to get to our house. I despair.

Now she’s being dragged to the gym with her dad for his session. Unbelievable, you’d think he’d just not go for a day.

Sister has been supportive she also thinks it’s marriage ending territory.

Sister has been supportive she also thinks it’s marriage ending territory.

I'm with your sister. He clearly considers childcare to be women’s work and therefore your responsibility, even when it’s his child and he only has her for 50% of the time. He also considers his activities to be way more important than yours, you’ll have to work around his training “job” and sod anything you might want to do. And he’s not at all bothered about actually spending any time with you or making any effort for you. So he gets a nanny who pays half the bills and looks after his house and child while providing cooking, cleaning and sexual services. And you get ………?