The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Well, seems as you're all family he should have no issues staying home more often and actually parenting his child! He's taking the biscuit here. Arrange a night out for yourself for the weekend, he can stay home and parent for a change. Your step daughter sounds lucky to have you however, not so lucky to have her dad.

I have family who deadlift that. They don’t do anything like the gym hours this guy does and they aren’t selfish wankers either.
‘wants to eat his dinner that he cooks jsut for himself in bed when it’s 10pm and the op is asleep in the bed’ = absolute fucking tosser

Oh no no no. You need to nip this in the bud right now. It is lovely that you have such a lovely relationship with her but it is simply NOT your job. Start making plans for the weekend, she is his daughter therefore he needs to be parenting. He is doing this because he knows you are there to fall back on, dont be!
That level of training is just ridiculous..when do you see/spend time together??

LTB!

I feel sad for you OP. You seem like a genuine caring person and he is majorly taking the piss. Not just he never sees his daughter and leaves parenting to you. It sounds like you never have time together as a couple or even as a family. He sounds unbelievably selfish and I hope he can massively overhaul his priorities or I really can’t see any other option than you leaving. Find someone who deserves you and doesn’t treat you as an unpaid nanny!

I think some men manage to convince themselves that women really enjoy doing child care, even if it's not their child and they are not getting paid to do it.

This is true. It's the male version of "my hubby doesn't mind working 80 hours a week because he loves his job".

It doesn't matter that she's in bed. Her presence means you can't leave the house. Your DP needs to be parenting his child most of the time, not you.

He’s a crap dad.
be v careful about having kids with him. he should be doing lots lots more and being available… it’s not ok for you as her step mum and it also would not be ok if you were her biological mum!!! He’s not doing his share!!

you are doing a great job. Xo

He's out of order, what did he do before rhe pair of you got together. I would personally make plans one weekend and tell him he has to put up.and shut up. Well.done for stepping up to the plate, but your doing so should not mean that he steps back and down.

You said if this was your DC, you wouldn't think twice. That's a little worrying. You are partially condoning gom not helping out and taking away your freedom. If you allow him to continue taking you for granted, he will continue. Its already getting worse. Why can't he go to the gym at 7pm? Why can't he go early morning? When does he actually see his daughter? What do they do together? Even if you don't find yourself a hobby, I would seriously put my foot down and stop doing all the bedtime routines. You both have responsibilities but only one of you are living up to them.

Exactly! What an absolute joke. I’d be turning that straight back on him when you get home. I’d say that you told me I cannot opt out, yet you are every day. He is absolutely taking the P and i’d be walking away regardless as even if he steps up now (no doubt reluctantly if he does) he is already showing you the type of father he is. I wouldn’t be having any DC with this guy as he clearly thinks raising children is women’s work. The fact he said if you won’t look after her then her mother will have to, well how about you do it? You are her father. Poor child. Walk away OP. You deserve a whole lot better than this.

oh and edited to add - he comes in and makes a lot of noise when you’re in bed and then eats his dinner when you’re in bed trying to sleep? I have no words.

He doesn't care about you, your needs or your life.

You simply facilitate child care so he can do what he wants.

I would never stay married to this prick.

He ‘wants’ to do his training, not ‘needs’ to.

It’s his child, not yours.

Yes, you have become a stepmom by marrying dh, but not a nanny or a slave. Why should you take full-time care of this child, when neither of his parent wants to? Why has he decided he can ‘opt out’?

And as a side note, why is never at home? Can he prove to you the value of the gym sessions? What benefit to the business have they brought? Why does he need to go for so long?

Hes definitely trying to control the narrative. Fight back. Set your boundaries. I don’t know what triggered this post, but it’s a career defining moment.

He's a CF... take the fact shes step daughter and not your own DC out of the equation - he is working; coming home, then going to the gym all night. Then on the weekend hes planning all his own solo crap. He's living like a single man.

The fact hes then basically turning it on you saying about opting out - when hes the most opted out person ever!

And im sorry - this poor DSD mum needs to sort her act out too. Shift working so shes working all weekend AND barely at home? She needs a new fucking job with stable hours.

Don't have your own DC with him. Infact - throw him back in the sea all together. (I dont say that lightly - as theres women on here who'd tell you to dump your fella if he forgot the washing up).

Good luck with your deadlift.

Per op And btw… his gym routine is because he’s a business owner of a fitness company and thinks it’s part of his “networking” so calls it work. Work he makes zero money from.

Even as a bio parent I wouldn't be happy being left with every single bed time! Tell him sharing putting your kids to bed is what parents do and not taking advantage of your partner.

Your husband is living like a single man. Now it’s your turn to live like a single woman - and leave him.

He’s been opting out for god knows how long, the audacity of some men 😤

@seasonofthebitch I haven't read all the thread but the the other issue here is how does the Dsd feel about her dad never being home when she is staying? She can't feel very wanted at all if he's constantly putting her to bed so early and then going out. No need time story or what happens if she has a nightmare or is ill?
It's not on you to look after this child at all whilst he does whatever he wants..this is his responsibility.
Could he arrange to pay for childcare or a babysitter a few evenings to you have free time? That doesn't solve the issue though on her behalf.
Poor kid and poor you.
I think you need to be firm and say you don't mind helping out now and then but he needs to prioritise his own child and his relationship more

Take back control.
“We need to review our priorities and family life. You are spending every evening on the training business but it doesn’t make any money. This is at the detriment of YOUR daughter, our marriage and my leisure opportunities. Your training needs to take a much lower priority.
I am no longer prepared to do the lion share of parenting , including bedtimes and DSD will be going to bed at 7:30 going forwards. I will only look after her alone for half a day at the weekend and this will be arranged on an ad hoc basis so that I can be away for the weekend or make other plans if I choose.

We will use a family planner and all weekend plans will be discussed in advance. To be clear, childcare is your responsibility not mine.
I know that it will be difficult for you to accept some major changes but this needs to happen for the good of our family.”

It sounds like you got with him quite quickly after his marriage break up and were soon married if the dsd is still only 5. I feel really sorry for the little girl. If you end up splitting she will have more turmoil in her life. I don't know how old you both are but he sounds quite immature and not really wanting to act like a parent. Has he come a bit addicted to the gym. I suppose there is know one else there that he is going to meet? He really doesn't sound good enough for you I wonder if this is how he treated his first wife. Do you ever have days out as a family at weekends. What happens in school holidays, does he try to dump her on his mum. It sounds like she has tried to make him step up as a father but he has just found you to pass her on to. I really wish you well and I'm sure we would all love to hear he manages to sort himself out and be a proper husband and father but he has a long way to go to be worth you.

Exactly this. You can opt out by getting rid. Unfortunately until he gets it out of his head that childcare is woman’s work you’ll never get anywhere. Spoiler alert- that’s not going to happen.

Oh I thought she was younger and your relationship was shorter, given the bedtime. Why on earth is a 5 year old going to bed at 6.30? (besides the point I know).

just stop doing it. Go out. Every night even if it’s just sitting in your car! It’ll be tedious but he’ll need to step up and parent his kid, the lazy bastard.

"I don't accept your resignation".😄**

What this message from him really means is “Be quiet and stop questioning me and just do as I say.”

This man is doing the bare minimum parenting and also effort wise in your relationship. You are his unpaid inhouse childcare and that’s all he sees.

Where dos he make compromise or effort for you or his child. He should be gyming on days you don’t have his daughter, he should be actively wanting to spend quality time with you as a partner and he should be thanking you constantly for the effort and love you’ve shown a child that isn’t yours.