The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Your DSD situation is not the real problem. Your husband being out so much is the real problem. You seem to spend very little time together so what is the point.
Plus he doesn’t respect you and is talking to you and treating you like hired staff.

You know you don't even need to negotiate with him. Just go out. Go to the gym, see your family. See your friends. Put a nice physical distance between u and him and let him get on with it.
Have a lovely weekend away with the girls.
He's such a user. Awful to read and I think lots of men are like that.
Once they get a taste of their own medicine (ie left to deal with the actual graft) they can come round and 1) be appreciative and 2) stop taking your selfless support for granted.

Action not words are the key👍

I just want to apologise that I accidentally clicked YABU. I meant to click YANBU, of course! You are massively being taken advantage of. Sorry I accidentally clicked the wrong button.

Plus let him think what he wants. If he wants to think your reaction isnt normal,.who cares?
You are a grown adult and free to do as you please. You aren't the paid maid for goodness sake.
Do you think he'd be doing it all for you if the book was on the other foot🤣🤣🤣🤣 NEVER!

I think it's nice when everyone pulls together for sake of wider family.
However he's totally walking all over you. That's not a loving and respectful dynamic going on there.

*boot 🥾 🤣

You can just click on the other button, you know 😀

You can change your vote, just click on the yanbu button to change.

This is really difficult. You love this wee girl and she no doubt loves you.

What does DH do for you? What does DH do for his DD?
How much time does DH spend with you? Same question for DD.

If you love each other, you find a solution. He should not expect thus current childcare from you (one off yes, but not repeatedly).

He needs to asses his commitments and prioritise them. Sorry but I dont think you are a priority for him. He may have lost his way and need to be reminded.

(I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago. Would travel home from long shift and 3 hour commute to find the grandparent dropping of DP DS to me. DP was in the pub and it was "your too tired to do anything anyway so DS can chill with you.". I had him every weekend..... until i didnt. I stayed longer than i should have as i felt soooooo sorry for this wee boy being moved from house to house all week but i eventually realised i was being taken advantage of and nothing would change. I was soon replaced.)

Ask yourself if you would enter a relationship with DP now under the current set up. His reply about opting out is concerning. He isnt addressing the elephant in the room, which isnt you, its him!

Yes, agree with PPs, it's very sad your DSD has two parents and yet neither of them prioritises her. You've stepped up and are doing a better job than this poor girl's parents, but you are not their servant. Your husband needs to get a grip and realise he's a dad, not some kind of an imaginary Ironman. And that you, if that's what you want, don't have to do any childcare. If you choose to, you can do it when you wish and you deserve freedom of your own time. That's the starting point. If you are heavily involved in DSD's life that's lovely for you and fod her I'm sure, but your husband is her dad and he isn't absolved of that. He needs to start working as a team with you and his child, not a team of one. He needs to do a fair share of parenting instead of emotionally blackmailing and manipulating you.

Him and his ex sound appalling, they shouldn't have had kids. I feel sorry for you and for this little girl.

I’m sure you’ve already been quoted, but that’s because you’re right! He’s a shit dad, nothing to do with step or bio mum.

it sounds like he has taken advantage of your good nature

"His reply “this is our family, you can’t opt out”"

But he thinks he can??

Quite. You should say exactly that to him, OP, when you reply to his message. He's the one opting out of parenting and being a decent husband.

Hey Jellyfish,
I've not even gone through other posts.
What the fuck are you even contemplating. Your so called partner is a sock wank, grab yourself a spine and get out of that salty ocean. I do wonder what they're putting in the tap water! Best fishes 🐟

100% The child is 50% his DNA, he should be doing the work! Why does he think someone with no biological connection to the child has more responsibility than him, is it his magical male parts make him immune to responsibility!

Well, I'm pretty serious about training. Currently aiming for a 180kg deadlift which is well into the elite classes for a woman. I've always said I wouldn't sacrifice my training for anyone because I wouldn't be the same person mentally or physically - I'd hate to choose between eating like a sparrow or watching myself get fat. However, I've also made sure I'm not in the situation where my personal choices impact on others (e.g. not really interested in having kids)

However wtf is he doing in the gym for three hours almost every night of the week? I can sometimes get up to two hours but that's including 20 mins of mobility to warm up and then 5-10 mins rest between sets when going heavy on deadlifts etc.

He could absolutely train 4x a week and still be in amazing shape. Unless he's an athlete in training or something I don't see how he can be spending that much time in the gym. It's highly unlikely he's training to the male equivalent of the level I am unless he's deadlifting like 300kg or more.

The opt out comment would really get my fucking back up.

I would be inclined to say ‘You’re getting confused, I can absolutely opt out! She’s not my daughter. She’s yours! It is YOU who can never opt out! What with you being her DAD. But I can do exactly that if this carries on’.

Much more powerful to say nothing. She doesn't need to justify anything. Just take herself away out the scene for a while. Let him get on with it

Send himm this @seasonofthebitch , its perfect.

He is being a Gym Bunny but dressing it up as "work" to avoid parenting. I would really love to know why his ex says the first marriage ended.

Doh, should've read the full thread....

Unless this fitness business is his main breadwinner then he needs to accept he doesn't have the time to do it as a parent. Or at least not to the current degree.

Would he be OK with you deciding to become an Avon rep and suddenly being tied up multiple nights a week? Tbf, you'd have more right to do so as he's the parent, not you.

The problem with these kind of situations is that often you'll end up doing it until you literally don't. Hopefully, he'll take it on board properly but if not you may have to start finding reasons why you can't and just stick to your guns that you're prepared to help and be in her life but as the parent it's him that needs to make the sacrifices.

Easier said than done of course.

Some parents (usually men) invent hobbies which will get them out of the house over bath/bedtime to get out of the hard work of parenting. Yours is putting his child to bed and fucking off out to avoid spending time with you!

I agree.

There was a time when I was helping out with other colleagues' workloads in my previous job as I was much quicker at proofreading etc. It eventually became expected from said colleagues although it was only meant to be a temporary measure. Once they'd fully passed probation and had a payrise to my level I started to really resent doing it.

I eventually realised that arguing why I shouldn't have to do stuff that isn't in my job description was just putting it up for debate. I just started telling my workmates that I was too busy to help and that if they thought they couldn't manage their workload to speak to our boss.

That pretty much stopped it dead and I realised that it was in my hands all along and trying to 'discuss' it whilst still taking on the extra work wasn't addressing the issue.

My God, what an absolute loser. You deserve better, and his daughter too. I'm very sorry for the little girl, but you need to cut him loose. Get rid.

Tbf I think it's more likely he's just a fitness fanatic. Doubt he'd go to the effort of creating a brand/company just to avoid reading bedtime stories.