The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

It appears you have accidentally married an utter wanker.

good news: you don’t have children with this knob so escape will be relatively easy. Better luck next time, at least you know the fuckwit type to avoid in the future.

He sound appallingly selfish.

Aside from the unfairness of the situation, how can you respect him as a person when he completely side-steps responsibility, acts like childcare is women's work and prioritises what he wants to do as it's a (non-paying) business?

Christ OP he doesn't even bother giving you the time of day never mind his kid. I know what you add to his life, but seriously what has he added to yours? You're the built in Nanny he gets to shag and who also pays half the bills!

I also would be slightly suspicious what he does for "networking" at the gym every single night for 3 hours!? Absolutley ridiculous. Throw this one back OP. Xx

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD

He's a shit Dad.

God bless people like you, but you're spending so much time, effort and care on a person you have absolutely no legal rights to access if you split up with the father.

You can book what you want to do, tell him you're doing it and he can change his plans.

His kid, his problem.

What an AH.

I hope you hold your own here and he realises that you are not the nanny and he needs to step up. if I'm honest I can't see a positive outcome to this.

Excellent response - use this @seasonofthebitch

Ok, let’s fast forward your life: you have to go to PTAs, spend hours helping with homework, you have to spend your family’s money putting HIS KID THROUGH UNI, or your savings for his kid’s house deposit. Meanwhile, you can’t afford kids. Then fast forward some more when his kid doesn’t need babysitting any more.

You will then be right royally dumped.
Replaced with a pretty young thing. By then, you would have wasted 15 years of your life being used by this narcissist and everyone is in on the joke, except for you: his mum can’t be bothered looking after her own grandkid, too exhausting, you knacker yourself out instead. The ex-wife can’t be bothered looking after her own kid as she is too busy fucking other men having the time of her life, and your husband is also, too busy fucking other women behind your back at the gym, running club and everywhere else. He’s 3 hours at the gym every night, sure. One hour gym, 2 hours hotel.

how can you not see you’re being used by multiple people and your husband doesn’t give a flying fig about you and avoids spending any time with you.

Forget about conversations with him, all you will get is more lies and broken promises.

you need to lawyer up, and seek divorce lawyers asap. Get all your accounts settled, get all your belongings. Get out of this man’s life.

your step daughter already knows her parents don’t give a sheet about her, but that’s not your problem. It’s your husbands, his ex-wife, where are the grandparents? Aunties? Uncles? Do they ever get to see the step daughter? You’re just an unpaid lackey he puts up with. Until it suits him to tell you he’s bored & has someone in the wings to immediately take over from you the moment you kick up a fuss. And rest assured, he will paint you badly to the next gullible fool that hangs on his every word.

Child or not I would accept three hours every night at the gym! My DH went in the morning before work - if he went after work the kids would never see him. Your partner needs to put his DD, and his relationship with you, above his hobby.
I’m a step mum and this was never expected of me.

Time for you to opt out for good I think OP.
If you want your own children with this man it won’t be any different.

Even if the child was jointly yours and his I would still say he was taking the mickey expecting you to do so much more childcare than him

you cannot opt out because he, her actual parent, has opted out.

Listening to him talk so disrespectfully, do you find him attractive?

Medic means Doctor. Are you you a Doctor ?

This!

opt right out - move into your own place (he sounds really disruptive of your sleep) and see how he handles that.

I’m at my sisters now, haven’t replied to his message. I’ve read all the posts and I’m so thankful for them!

In my head I had an expectation of being a family but you’re all so right, he is taking advantage of me and it’s not fair on his little one. She’s so fab, I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to see her every minute he gets with her.

Her mum is a bit hit and miss with her. Lots going on. I’ve told DP that we need to have a stable home here for DSD as she’s already in a position of being between two homes. I just think it’s important that we function as a unit which we’re not doing now. And reading here I finally see we probably never will!

I’ve had a few wines with my sister so won’t read for the rest of tonight (getting emotional reading them all ha!) but I’ll be back tomorrow to read and reply.

thanks everyone x

I'm so glad you are with your sister. Get some rest and think about what to do in the morning.

Don't let a selfish man rob you of your one precious life. Your time is valuable - spend it with someone who really appreciates you and everything you do. And crucially, who shares the same principles and values that you do.

hmmm…why did he split with his ex? Was it because he’s a selfish arse?

Hd doesn't deserve you.

One thing I’ve learned in life is that past 25 years old, people’s personalities are fixed, ie, they won’t ever change.

Having a child should be the greatest gift you can have. He should be running home from work to spend every second with his daughter.

the fact remains is he prefers to spend his time in the gym and running club so he looks good to other women.

my narcassist friend never wanted kids, as he was self obsessed and only interested in himself. So you could find your husband never wanted his child, or didn’t want the child with that woman.

my narcassist friend also constantly attracted massive gold diggers, so it could be the ex-wife only had the kid in order to secure herself a monthly alimony paycheck from your husband.

I think you are a bit part in his little saga and you are best out of it. You have already wasted 5 years with this man.

Get yourself out so you find a nice man who ACTUALLY WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU.

Then you can read bedtime stories to your own kids.

good luck. Lawyer up. Get out of this hell hole relationship.

Try and stand firm, you are not responsible for everything relating to DSD. Good luck

I think you're going to be a great mum someday, if that's what you want. But you deserve to have your children with someone who loves and respects you and is willing to share childcare. You deserve to have a husband who wants to spend time with you rather than someone who treats you as a skivvy. Your future children also deserve a loving, attentive father. Your Dh is not that man.

Look up “bang nanny” and realise that that’s what this situation sounds like. I’m so sorry, it sounds awful. Certainly I wouldn’t have any children with him, and make yourself scarce on ant least half of the evenings when he has his daughter, if not all of them.

It's great to hear you have the support of your sister & having a few glasses of wine together.

DH & I always do dry January so our usual Friday & Saturday is being spent with sparkling water instead of Sparkling wine.

Your DH will eventually realise if he doesn't change his ways he is putting you & your DSDs future as a family in jeopardy. You are thankfully being strong & taking a stance on the situation so hopefully he will come to his senses. It's nothing less than you deserve.

He's an absolute prick.

I'm fuming on your behalf. Well done for sticking up for yourself!