The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

You need to sit him down tonight and TELL him not ask that from now on he is assumed to be the parent and not you and that you won’t be left with you as he isn’t parenting ever. I get it I had a working pattern that meant I could be flexible and in my case my ex husband and HIS ex wife assumed I was parent. In his case she dropped them off without any notice or just texted me to collect them up from school with no warning and he was back at 8pm from work. If I protested I got loads of shit from both of them from him:

• he would say you joined A FAMILY so be one and because I wanted children oh come on this is what it WILL be liked if you don’t want to look after them - we won’t be having our own
• her/ their father said yes or even worse if you don’t get them or leave them there I will tell them YOU don’t want to be their step mother and you don’t want to be a parent.

He needs to be sole parent in charge of her. He needs to ask for a one off if he isn’t able to.

Men like this make my blood boil and I’m telling you now there is NO WAY out of this. My ex was a cyclist and nothing stopped him not his own children nothing - that probably why first wife divorced him and it’s why he wanted children so quickly with me.

please leave this shit show

I’m sure she is lovely and a lovely child but do you want to be with a man who refuses to look after his own daughter and doesn’t want to spend every spare moment with you and her??,

he thinking 1) me my time and running 2) my social life and 3) daughter and 4) you

find a man that puts you first and if he has kids that he puts them first and you a close second

you are totally replaceable in this scenario

He’s already opting out.
He’s opting out every time he chooses the gym (more than a normal amount) over her or his child.

Sounds like he’s in for a HUGE awakening when you leave and he needs childcare and can’t pop to the gym every 5 minutes anymore as his slave is gone! No wonder his ex isn’t with him anymore .

That's where you are wrong. I can opt out. And if I choose to do so, how do you propose to 'structure' your gym time when you actually have to parent your own child?

It is so sad that the only stable care DSD gets is from someone who is not even related to her.

I feel so sorry for this kid.

Why about Rainbows. Swimming, clubs etc!

I don’t know any 5 year olds who go to bed then

Just what I was thinking.

Does he think you’re an idiot?

Plus - he's not very bright either!
He walked into the ''opt out'' argument for the child care (only he can do this although it's his child) and the gym is ''work'' but unpaid - so actually a hobby -not work.
You both should have set out the child care arrangement before marriage.
The child may become upset because of adults in her life..

It’s so funny how often these part time dads find an essential hobby that they absolutely can’t miss out on. Being a “family” doesn’t mean he can swan off to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

He is so unreasonable it’s unreal.

I wouldn’t be happy if I was your DSD’s mum, but I guess if she’s relying on him (you) for childcare so she can work she hasn’t got much of a choice.

Put it to him this way: if you had a child that wasn’t his, would you be leaving him with the child all the time so you can go to the gym?

The reply to this is “I’m a bit confused as that’s what you’ve been doing”.

OP this is about more than just childcare for DSD. This is about your future. Do you want kids of your own? And to keep your career going? Because your husband has just made it perfectly clear that you will be on your own in looking after your own kids and trying to keep your career going at the same time. You will not be a team. He will treat your own child as badly as he is treating his DD

Get out now. Minimise the damage to yourself. Everyone saying you can’t have a child with this man are absolutely right

I think you need to give him notice that you have plans the weekend after next and he needs to sort outslcholdcare for his daughter or you start a club on a Saturday and he needs to sort childcare. His reaction to this will be telling . When does he actually spend time with his child?

What a cheek!
Hope it sets in and you realise you need to leave this relationship.

Some children may not be going for various reasons.

However, in principle I agree. OP, your DSD likely could do with some extracurricular activities which her parents should arrange AND take her.

If I thought the relationship was redeemable I’d suggest you simply stay out after work sometimes and sod his ‘expectation’.

But it’s not redeemable, because he’s treating you with utter contempt. So I suggest leaving him.

You lost me at the fact he comes to bed to eat his dinner!

I know you would miss the little girl, but you need to dump her father

Well, he has, hasn't he? Definitely laid his priorities down & it's not you or his DD.

I can’t believe what I’m reading here. I would tolerate this from my DH and dd is mine biologically. I think it’s lovely and amazing that you having a loving and close relationship with your step daughter. I also think she is so lucky to have you. Her dad needs to get a grip. He cannot have every night or weekend busy he needs to make time for you and her. She is a child passed between 2 homes and her dad is too busy to spend time with her, how bloody sad. My DD is now 9 and as she’s staying up later and later with age it’s a big responsibility for you to take on alone when you work too! My DH and I work together and take a fair share of childcare not only that but we both want to do it. These years won’t last forever and one day we will miss being needed as much.

You are not a parent! HE is the parent.

I'd suggest to him that going forward you only provide free childcare IF there is an urgent medical emergency eg he's in hospital dying.

This doesn't mean you never interact with your dsd, it simply means you do nice interactions you have willing and spontaneously chosen to do. He should not be relying on you for constant regular free childcare.

Do not get pregnant with this loser.

Opt out.

All the way out.

He’s an absolute tool.

'DP has sent me a message basically saying that we the child's mother and I “need” to agree a “structure” routine of who will look after DSD. He said he needs to continue his training “job”, and the child's mother and I we need to work around that.'

@seasonofthebitch I have amended what he said to you, for clarity.

Op this weekend will be very telling 1- you'll have time away with sister and put things into perspective, don't rush home,
2- h will have to parent his daughter am sure he'll struggle and will become frustrated with you ' for having a weekend to yourself,

But really op come Monday next that's when you have to set your boundaries out, start by having busy weekends too, change your shift patterns so you can have 2 days in the week of but work weekend that will upset him,

You'll have a lovely time with your sister along with good advice for her, enjoy it op you also work hard to have some ' me'

Your deadbeat husband is the one who's opted out of parenting.

And he is a deadbeat. Putting a 5 year old to bed at 6 in the evening so he can go to the gym for hours. You do far more parenting than he does

But you're not a parent. You can't sign consents for medical care, you are not involved in making medical or educational decisions, but your husband has opted out of parenting to the point he thinks his ex and you share custody. He's not involved. That's a deadbeat.

He only has custody because it would cost him money not to and you're his standin.

Time to go. This guy's a fucking deadbeat loser.

He’s taking you for a fool

I wa in a very different marriage with no kids but my husband took so much advantage of me that the stress I was under led me to a psychotic breakdown when I was world class academic. I cannot fathom how I let my life betaken like that but sadly we do allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. I lost everything.

Why not? He has.

I’m not prepared to do it!

Well, you have obviously been prepared to it for a long time, seemingly until the last 24 hours when you posted on Mumsnet,

Good for you for the change of heart though. That's no way to live.