The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

I thought this, a 6.30 bed time won’t last long.

My 5 yo went upstairs at 6.30. He went to sleep at 8.30 until he was about 14 😆

@seasonofthebitch

I'd message back "And what is your proposal for this 'structured care'?". Make him put writing (in essence) "You do everything every night and on weekends. I'll step in when I can".

Not that you're going to agree with anything, just to see what he says before you say "That doesn't work for me".

You can, actually, and you should.

I'd be busy packing right now....

He's using you for free childcare, and possibly half the bills... no wonder the little girl's mum left him. Run while you can.

How do you know he is spending all of his time at the gym?

Sounds off to me.

He married you to secure childcare for his daughter. He’s not willing to allow you to not be the nanny. For him that was part of the deal.

Unfortunate that you married him and didn’t see through his bullshit, but very fortunate that you don’t have children with him. Prepare yourself for the likelihood that this isn’t going to be resolved.

Oh and if you want children of your own just divorce him now. He’s a shit father that doesn’t appreciate or deserve the child he already has. He absolutely does not need any woman giving him any more children to disregard and palm off onto others.

"His reply “this is our family, you can’t opt out”"

sorry OP but it is crystal clear why he married you.

If I were you I'd opt out permanently.

Actually you can. You can opt out.
He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Pack your bags & GET OUT! I have a narcissist friend who is identical to your partner. He’s down the gym for hours, and spends lengthy time at a running club.

The friend said he’s got some woman at the running club pregnant, his gf doesn’t know. He’s paying the woman money. He also has 3 kids with various baby mamas plus a live-in girlfriend who provides him with sex & they go to restaurants & holidays. The live-in girlfriend is deliberately picked to be a mug & do all the donkey work.

I’ve known him for years, but the turnaround in the live-in girlfriends is high: they get fed up doing the drudge work, whilst he’s out admiring himself in mirrors in the gym & he has a stack of girlfriends he flirts with all day long.

sometimes the live-in wants kids and he says he doesn’t want more as he can’t afford it. Sometimes he says he want more kids, but he says he is doing zero father duties as it’s boring & irritating. He only want to do fun, sexy stuff.

my friend is very handsome and has some money. Therefore, he’s like a magnet to women.

he’s desperate to keep looking young, hence why he’s always in the gym, so he looks good for the honeys. His whole life’s mission has been to bed as many women as possible.

Drama is inbuilt in all his relationships. Mainly due to his cheating, lying, narcissist behaviour.

There are SO many men like your husband & my friend. They always have a big supply of women who fall for it.

if you walk out, you will be replaced in a day. He’s already done succession planning & has other women waiting in the wings to take over your spot.

'yet you seem to think it's acceptable for you to opt out 5 nights per week. Why is it ok for you to opt out of caring for your biological daughter but not ok for me to 'opt out'?'

My friend was a built in nanny too, as soon and the children got older, he dumped her. As the house was his before she moves in, she had to move out and start all over again. He lived his life doing whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, while she couldn't make any plans. You are not his built in nanny, he would pay a fortune for a child minder, but your free, he knows what his doing alright

Op you need to not be available, plan your week / weekends put it up on fridge,

He needs to parent his child, bloody cheek of him 😤

5169 of us think you deserve better and should divorce this disgraceful, barefaced, disrespectful prick. You’re wasting good years of your life and you’re obviously a lovely woman. Don’t waste anymore. 5000 people.

This
he should be spending time with his daughter and you
leave before you have kids with him and this pattern starts again!

Stick to your guns dont give in i cant believe you dont see him at all and that he thinks its ok to get in at 10pm, and he definately sees childcare as womens work, i had this once when i was really young looking after his children at weekends as he played sport and their mother saw her boyfriend, i thought what am i doing!

Yeah…I read they were married after. My mistake :)

Op my gd 6 years old has dance lessons Monday 5om till 6 then dinner bath and bed around 8pm, Thursday gymnastics 5 till 6 again dinner bath bed around 8
Saturday morning 10am till 11 swimming lessons, Sunday horse riding lesson 11am, that's not including birthday parties over weekends or after school,

You do need a plan moving forwards op because little one will get busy over the next year or so then what,

Cheeky prick! This is his daughter who needs to spend time with him.

If he and his child's mother can't work around each other's schedules they will need to pay for childcare - not just rely on his mum and his wife to do it for free.

😂😂😂

Just when I thought he couldn’t be any more obnoxious… insisting on eating his dinner in BED whilst you try to sleep after working in a hospital day and caring for his child?!?!

This is really sad as the op will have a bond with the child having been around for nearly all her life.
Personally i couldn't be romantic with someone who treats me as a servant. He spends no time at home and i cant see any decency. He obviously doesn't cars about you or his daughter. Having read further posts i do wonder if fhis extra job is a new woman.
Do you want to put hp with his selfish behaviour or can you walk away?

HE is opting out!! Hope you pointed this out to him!

hes a cheeky sod he needs to step up!

I have no doubt that many would think disturbing your sleep in such a way, is highly deliberate and abusive.

In all the shit I have read on MN about selfish pricks, I have never read this.

Totally unbelievable.

I would point out that if you left him he’d have to do all of it and wouldn’t be able to go to the gym.

But I imagine he would find someone else super quick to take over.