The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

A 5 year old going to bed at 6:30? That’s crazy! 7 or 8 is more normal

Hilarious. He has opted put by spending 3 hours in the gym on an evening.

What about if you want to do a hobby? Or his daughter wants to do hobbies like brownies or scouts or a sport or dance

He can just go to the training job an hour later? Sorted.

He's 100% right that you need to agree a structure of DSDs care, and how your lives together work.
But he's 100% wrong that his 'training job' is non-negotiable.

Decide what, if any, care you are happy to provide as sole carer, on a scale of 1 evening a week to 0 hours per week. And stick to it.

You basically lead separate lives. Do you want to try and fix that? Or are you past the point of wanting to work at it - which would be totally understandable.

Have a think over the weekend, then tell him what you have decided. I'd write down some key points for him, so it's crystal clear.

Good luck!

Every post gets worse and worse. I’m so sorry OP, but I can’t see why you are with this man. He shirks his responsibilities to his own daughter, uses the women in his life like his mother and you, and doesn’t even spend time with you. What are you actually getting out of this marriage?

It's sad for the little girl but if you were my daughter/sister @seasonofthebitch I would tell you to get out of this relationship. He is extremely selfish, a bad father and a lousy husband. Think of the life you could live: spending it with someone you love, who respects you and wants to spend time with you- not use you as a free nanny with a fanny.

I am sure he's selfish in other areas as well- these men tend to be. Please think about yourself and how you want to spend the rest of your life.

When does he actually spend time with this own child?! You're being expected to it, he's massively taking advantage of your kindness and also being a shit dad putting the gym before his own daughter.

And who stays home every night to babysit?

He's making it clear he married you to get free childcare isn't he.

Says it all when he’s annoyed you have plans and he has no child care. This man is using you. You are his wife and support. You are not this kids mother. She has 2 parents that by the sounds of it are not willing to accommodate her. He must accommodate his daughter and that doesn’t include you caring for her all evening nearly every evening. The way I read it his mother was his nanny before you came along and he replaced her with you. If you have a child with this man he will no doubt do the same. His mother will be nanny to any children you have with him until he can gets another nanny with a fanny. Leave if he refuses to change and listen.

The sad thing is why doesn’t she do that already? She is 5!

You need to start hobbies that take you out of the house most nights

let him know in advance he needs to organise a babysitter

just get a life - like he has

btw is he addicted ? He must have bum cheeks you could crack nuts with

His reply “this is our family, you can’t opt out”
Well then he is up shit creek without a paddle, if you stick to your guns, he will have to sort it out, and the Mother may have to make other arrangements.
He does not tell you you can't opt out, this is your desition, and his child. He is taking the piss.
Please don't give in, its his problem to sort. If you listen to his bullshit and give in, this situation will get worse.
Personally I would walk away from this user.

I hope you are realising just how toxic this marriage is, and how absolutely not normal this is.
You have sold yourself so short, marrying a man who needed childcare.
So sad.

As for that child being put to bed at 6.30....could she be more of an inconvenience to him.
So shocking.

Oh mygod. He is a pig. I hope you don’t feel you have to stay with him for the sake of his child. I understand why you might feel that way but your life is as valuable as hers.
he needs to sort this out with his ex .
i feel sorry for his child but she’s not your responsibility

He’s an appalling father, a selfish son, a non-existent husband and a complete wanker.

How can you stand to be with him given his disgusting arrogance to everyone he’s supposed to care about?

I just read this out to my DH because I’m frankly shocked by this. He said WTAF? Who is this man? We have 2 young daughters, not a chance he would be down the gym every night because he’d be under the patio/ex DH very quickly!! We parent together and that’s our own kids! What a Cnut of a man you have there. Poor kiddo and poor you.

You should opt out of this whole arrangement. His poor daughter. She will already have realised Daddy doesn't want to be with her.

This. Poor little thing.

You absolutely can bloody opt out! tell him you are opting out, he created his child his bloody responsibility not yours!

I’d ask him why he can opt out but you can’t

Hi op another selfish bloke sorry but you need to start going out more just say he can go the gym every other day but remind him your his wife and you would like a social life with him and without him. Op he’s basically telling you that you can’t opt out because he already has also if the mum works weekends he could offer to cover her wages 1 day a week so mum can do her bit. Honestly posts like this piss me off kids are every parents priority if you weren’t there he would either have to stay home or her mum would. but the way it is now they prioritise themselves and both of them don’t give a flying fuck about you. Tell him he cannot opt out you as he made her. Op you didn’t give birth to her but you’re basically giving up your life so he can have his that’s definitely a big fat no. You need compromise in a relationship he isn’t doing this. He’s a twat. He doesn’t want to parent does he? No decent father would be out that much. Even the natural mother wouldn’t let it happen.

Nailed it

1000%
Id be considering divorce if he doesn’t change his ways.

Wow, OP. Has the penny dropped yet that sadly you married a sexist arsehole?