The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Tell him your DD is your family in the way your MiL is your family. She is his family and his responsibility. You just need to be clear ‘she is my stepchild you are her father your are legally and morally responsible for her care. I am not. I care for her as a favour to you. But you have deprioritised our relationship to the point I am now a nanny who sees you less than I see your child. This is not sustainable. You need a routine that accommodates the needs of your wife and your child.’

His living his best gym bro life isn’t he.

Seriously op leave run.

His reply “this is our family, you can’t opt out”

He has.

I’ve read other posts. DUMP HIM ASAP. He sounds a bully. It’s not your kid. You don’t owe him anything. Pack your bags and get the hell out of the house. Consult lawyers if you jointly own anything. You are being treated worse than a slave. Absolutely do not have kids with this man. And why is he spending so much time in the gym? To impress other women no doubt!

I’m a step-mum to now grown step-children and while there were times when I looked after them on my own and I had no issue with that, my DH absolutely did plan his life around the times he saw his children. I would have been deeply unimpressed if he had chosen to go out to the extent that the OP’s DP does.

Consult divorce lawyers NOW

@seasonofthebitchtell him it’s HIS daughter and he’s the one who’s opting out.

'I can opt out. And I will'.

That's the crux of the matter.

What an absolute waste of a man

How did you respond? I hope you said he has opted out of being a parent, and that this is not ok.

He cannot go to the gym every evening and all across the weekend. He needs to set aside one weekend day to spend on family time. And needs to keep the evenings DSD is staying over free. I think (even if it is LONG evenings) the others would be fine.

I agree. OP, you need to be careful not to let him lovebomb you/ hoover you back in and then get you pregnant, which may be his tactic to keep you trapped in that role, so he can continue to palm off his duties on you.

Your husband is a shite dad. I hope you can see this.

My answer to this would simply be we both have other responsibilities and we both have a responsibility to your child. Are you actually saying I can't opt out but you constantly opt out with no regard for my free time outwith work & childcare. The time has come to say enough is enough. Change your ways or face the consequences. If he loves you enough to remain married to you there is nothing to fear. If he shows you the door that's another story OP. I hope you can work it out.

Just read the thread and my jaw clanged when I got to the OP's last update.

This is marriage-ending territory. His entitlement is bad enough, but the complete lack of giving a shit about seeing his young DD would be the end for me. She deserves a much better father than the one she has.

This is very harsh but also sadly true. I absolutely despair of women. Why they on earth has this got to this point.

This is hilarious op, he thinks he is your boss.
I would be removing myself from living there so he can do his fucking job and look after his child.

Agree with this!

He's an awful father. How long have you actually been together?

Agree that now is the time for cast iron contraception/abstinence.

he either knows full well he’s a selfish arsehole, in which case his next move is getting you pregnant now that you’ve had the temerity to find your voice, so that ‘you might as well look after both, they’re siblings’

or he genuinely thinks it’s perfectly reasonable that you do all the parenting of his child whilst he does his hobby.

the second option is worse.

Narcissist RUN!! Pack your bags get out. Consult divorce lawyers. He’s never going to improve, or listen to you or keep his promises. He doesn’t care or love you. You are a convenient doormat who he deliberately picked to be a doormat & put up with his nonsense.

assume he’s down the gym to buff himself up to other women. You aren’t the only woman in his life. Absolutely no way.

Get out and find a man who treats you with respect and make sure you go out in a blazing glory. He needs to be told what an absolute KLUNT he is.

just tell him that you are now considering opting out of the marriage. He is a user and turning you into his skivvy

That!

OMG! He was so going to just leave you all evening with his daughter whilst he is out and about!

The shame is that it will come back the bottom of the other woman whom won’t likely be able to keep what her work requests and in turn it is finance impacted.
Mind you. Tell him that…how much does it impact the finance if she can’t work? Because he doesn’t have his daughter. By the look of it…a lot?!

Stepparents 100% don’t do this and you need to stop. He needs to start paying for childcare, going to the gym at another more appropriate time and reviewing the maintenance. That’s what other people do. Doing the odd thing is fine but frankly not your job or problem. It is his. What I’m sad is that you didn’t figure this out before you married him - I would not want to be in such a miserable relationship

don’t have a baby with this man!!

FYI not even bio parents have this set-up

Yup this.