The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

"You can't opt out, because I already have"

Well…

it is not a fine line at all…on one hand, there is you that try to meet the need of his little girl whilst he is taking the piss!! How was the set before you live there? Just go back to that…you are not a free childcare!

Also…if you were the mom, would you be happy that he actually doesn’t spend time with your babe but a total stranger is?

It is wrong on both side of the parents! And the little girl must suffer to see her dad just gone every five second…

He's telling you you can't opt out because this is family, but he's already opted out of parenting his daughter. He doesn't need to do all that volunteer work, he's putting himself first and he doesn't like it that you're calling him out on it. He needs to opt back in and be a proper dad and a proper husband.

She's not going to always go to be going to bed at 6.30pm either is she? What's his plan for when she's older? Or has Brownies / swimming / weekend birthday parties / homework etc?

@Blablibladirladada the OP isn’t a total stranger to DSD.

Notwithstanding, DH is a fuckwit of the highest order.

Oh dear

He has the nerve to say you can’t opt out? Err, right back at him @seasonofthebitch he’s being so cheeky! You have been spot on in what you have said so far. You’re a loved extra ‘special’ person for SD. Not a replacement for Mum or Dad. You absolutely can opt out but that isn’t what you’re doing - he is though? He needed this wake up call.

You're a bangmaidnanny who also brings home the bacon.

He struck gold when he met you. I bet he couldn't wait to propose.

What a ‘dick’…..

He’s mansplaining and using so called buzz words like ‘structure’ to coerce you into keeping the status quo…….

This isn’t to benefit you but to benefit him. I’d leave him as he has no care or respect for you at all. Worryingly, he really doesn’t care or love his child. So sad.

Hes opting out and dumping on you. What a shit father/partner he is. Very self centred and he believes his time is more important than yours.

This is unbelievable- what an absolute joke. Zero love or care for you as his partner!! I cannot see how he’d get back from here to anywhere near reasonable.

So he spends 5 nights a week out from 0630 -10.00pm and then roughly 3-4 hours each day at the weekend? Sorry OP but it sounds like he's opting out of the marriage as well as childcare.☹️
This is no life for you. Are you absolutely sure - sorry I know it's a Mnet cliche - he is just training?
Christ Alive, he must have a body like a young Arnold Schwarzenegger by now. 🙄

I very rarely say this on here but I honestly feel you should get out of this marriage. You deserve SO much better. (It sounds like you would be an amazing mum to your own DC but with a very different partner.)

But he’s already opted out - and he thinks this is ok?

The question I ask is. Do you get anything out of this relationship? If the answer is very little then it’s time to part ways

He can’t be serious!

id reply saying, i absolutely love DSD, however she is not my responsibility, your opting out every single night, I’m not the default parent, I have my own life and I’m not baby sitting every night while you go to the gym 7 nights a week, I don’t care if it’s work or not, you need to sort childcare out!

You’re absolutely taking the piss and I’m simply not doing it anymore, I’m not your unpaid nanny!

Oh boy, you need to DUMP HIM ASAP. He’s only with you as you’re an unpaid childminder. His kid would be in social services if it wasn’t for you. Even his own mother said no thanks for her own grandchild.

I can’t believe how totally selfish your DP is: all he cares about is being a gym bro and running club. I suppose you are doing all the cooking & cleaning as well.

I agree with other posters: don’t have kids with him as his priorities are not his kids or partner.

Are you a stay at home partner? Is he paying all the bills?

Personally, I would end it tomorrow.

Just so you know I have a guy friend who is exactly like this: baby mammas all over the place. He’s always at the gym, and running club. He’s also a notorious cheat and player.

He goes through girlfriends like I’ve had hot dinners.

They all get fed up with him out frolicking with other women at the running club and elsewhere, whilst the girlfriend is expected to child mind his kids when he has them stay over.

Dogsbody is the word.

You do not need to work around his training, you need to tell him to come up with a plan with his ex and THEY need to come up with a plan. He is taking you for granted and using you, I couldn’t be with someone like this, you deserve a life not one looking after someone else’s child no matter how much you love her, that responsibility isnt yours, him and his ex are taking the absolute piss. You sound wonderful btw and I’d be delighted if my children ever had to have a stepmun and she was like you.

Red flag. He's opting out.
This will get tired if it doesn't change. 💐OP.

This almost word for word similar to another post from the other day

He is being utterly unreasonable.

Omg.

"Although I may decide to offer ocasional childcare, I can opt out.

You cant."

I’m a step mother now and was a step mother in my previous relationship, other than making them breakfast or tea every now and again that is it all the caring I do/did. His kids, his job. I don’t expect my partner to put my daughter to bed, I’ve only asked him to look after her a couple times when I was really stuck for a work thing or one off day out with friends in the whole 4 years we’ve been together. Put a stop to it, he sounds like a selfish dad. Typical man who thinks all that stuff is a woman’s job while he does his hobbies!

OMG!! I’m enraged for you! What a CF!!
I’d say he was taking the piss with parental load if this was a shared child but the fact that this isn’t even your child makes it even worse!!
Is it time to take an “opt out” break from this relationship? 🥴
I’m flabbergasted at this prick’s audacity 😳

Who the fuck does he think he is.

“All other kids manage to be raised by 2 parents, why do you need a third?”