The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

it is abuse. A child is shipped to a non biological person the majority of the time

Why are you with him OP? What does he actually bring to your life if you never see him?

Why does he think its ok for him to opt out of family life by never being home, yet you are not allowed to?

Structure sounds fine, you know where you stand, but he should be doing the bulk as it is his child. Do not back down on this, make sure you do at least equal nights if nothing else. Go out on the nights that he is doing it. He needs to restructure his training so that he is home more often. Twat.

But if I were you, I would seriously be thinking if I want to spend the rest of my life with somebody who is never home and when they are , is a selfish pig (eating in bed and waking you up).

Can you afford the mortgage and bills on your own? Or can he afford to buy you out?

My friends brother has recently gotten divorced. He has a new girlfriend who has moved in fast. She said he doesn’t seem to like her that much, however she really helps him with childcare because he works shifts.

A lot of men see child rearing purely for women, the fact you aren’t related to them is irrelevant, you’re a woman so therefore you must want to look after them/it’s your job.

3 hours at the gym is way over the top! Even more so at the expense of spending time with his family.

She has a shift-based job; many people do.

Ideally, she would change job, but she may struggle to do so.

But that is not the OP's problem to solve, it is up to the parents.

Sounds like neither parent actually want her poor mite.

Every weekend at dads but actually
more at dad than mums but dad is never there really it’s op and before op it was granny.

Must be very hard for a 5 year old.

That guy is a total dickhead who is with you for the free chilcare. I felt sick just reading that. Does he bring anything to the relationship? Anything? He cannot possibly like you never mind love you. Engage your brain for the love of god.

I’m sorry. This shows exactly how he sees your “family”: himself as patriarch and you and his dc as assets. The moment you stop behaving like an asset and start asserting your personhood, he is trying to pull rank- he doesn’t think he should have to do this because he sees it as your job. He feels he should be able to opt and out at will, and I guarantee he will be outraged if you challenge this.

This resonates with me. My husband was a running fanatic when I first met him, 5 nights out of 7 type of thing. 3 children. Like you I was happy to get to know them and spend time with them (all girls). But one of the first weekends they stayed, he got up early put running kit on, and I said where are you going! He’d arranged to drive an hour to a friend do a long run and then come back so out at least 3-4 hours without even asking me. I put my foot down and said no way! I kept to boundaries the whole time otherwise I would have done everything g for them. Be careful men often think it’s the woman’s role.

What!! He's the one bloody opting out. I can't believe he doesn't see an issue with not spending barely any time with his child.

She has two parents and they need to be the ones to sort childcare out. They're both taking the piss.

Just another reader saying that HE is the one opting out!

You’re a wonderful step-mum.

He’s a very selfish man who is doing a number on you and his poor daughter.

This is a hill I’d die on. His daughter is his responsibility.

I’d be prepared to help but not be full time parent, in lieu of him taking care of his child.

Maybe you need to organise a series of trips that take you away on the days he is expecting you to do his role, and let him know quite late on. Then he might, just, be grateful for those times you can do his job for him!

Does he even care about this little girl? My DH would have moved heaven and earth to spend any second with his kids (still does even though they’re adults). This guy doesn’t seem to have any interest in her, poor kid. More interested in being a gym bro. Ugh. How deeply unattractive. Body of a god no doubt, but personality of a dud.

He likes living life as a single man and married you so he could get free hired help. He doesn't parent if you or his DM do it for him. I wonder if he was like this with his previous partner and that's why they broke up.

When do you get time off from parenting HIS child?
Hes a selfish arse

Make sure your contraception is bullet proof!

What does the biological mother think to all this. Have the parents got a court agreements every weekend with dad with dad opting out so much sounds really hard on her.

As a mum with children visiting their Dad, I expect him to be there when his children are. Sure his wife treats them like her own and she absolutely looks after them herself when his meetings overrun or he may have his work Xmas party or perhaps he has to take their other DS to football (they take this in turns) and my DS is staying that weekend, she will do my DS football too. They alternate as they treat all the children the same and why shouldn’t she see him play on dad’s weekend.
The expectation on his part is that he is available for the duration of the visit he is the primary parent for our DS and this is his responsibility. Any other big disruption would need working out with the odd time I have my DS back a day early and he gets him an extra night the following visit) just to be flexible on that odd occasion.
Your husband can enjoy hobbies but I’d say his gym trips are an obsession and it’s not fair especially when he has his DD. (Maybe Gym 1 evening when she visits) as for the work schedule at the weekend or the sporting activities, if he cannot cancel them then he will need to change his access days with the mother. If the DD usually goes home to mum on a Sunday evening for instance, perhaps she will need to be returned to mum before he goes to work training.
when you become a parent your priorities should automatically change. I’m sorry but I don’t not feel your husband has his priorities in order.

Run OP. And if you stay, remind him he should respect your time and ASK you to take on his burden of childcare. Why does he have to go to the gym at his daughter’s bedtime? Selfish prick.

I assume his first wife dumped him. I think we've found out why.

So you can't opt out but he can?

Honestly OP it sounds like you spend more time either home alone or with his daughter than you spend with him, he gives you no consideration and the childcare he expects from you means you have no freedom to do what you want to. I would very much opt out of this set up. It wouldn't be OK even if it were your own child but the fact she is meant to be with her dad and he's never there is awful.

It feels totally dodgy doesnt it? Someone clinging desperately to a single life ...who's found someone else to do his parenting. A total user

Start as you mean to go on.

Give an inch, they'll take an arm.

Well done for bringing it up OP. Don't back down. A shame his messages aren't out of love or concern.

Oh you're so right, I'm sorry, I got carried away with networking. Please don't ever feel DSD's care falls on you. I'll change my schedule to fit. Thank you again for being such an amazing DSM.

Not this opt out malarkey.