The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

“She is your daughter. You need to start opting in.”

So you can’t opt out but he can?

I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement even if it was your actual daughter (like by birth).

If I were you I would start being busy a lot more often on the days you are assumed to be able to watch her.

Then I guess he will be paying for a nanny

Please tell your sister everything this weekend. She will be as horrified as we have been. I know it’s scary to say these things out loud because it makes them real but this really needs to end, now.

No, you can't opt out. She's your daughter. I won't replace you.

I'd be raging. You should probably just leave him I think. The worst decision would be having a child with him.

That's hilarious. You absolutely can opt out by divorcing him.

Yes, do this - get some support

You tell him: "she's YOUR daughter. You cannot opt out of fatherhood."

Don't marry him. He appears to have been looking for a 'nanny with a fanny'.

Your reply is either watch me or yes, I can.

if you were to divorce tomorrow, no court is going to suggest a non bio step parent has any legal or moral responsibility for a child. He is living in cloud cuckoo land.

Sounds like he'll be looking after him on her own once you've gone. What an arse.

He's taking the piss. Ask him honestly why he bothers to even have his child over at all when he isn't even making any efforts to look after her himself. Can you not speak to the mum and tell her that he isn't even looking after his child himself and that he leaves all the parenting responsibilities to you?

Well done, I bet that set the cat amongst the pigeons.

It may change your relationship but hopefully for the better. If not, at least you know now before you have children with this man.

What is that saying on here, Nanny with a fanny!

"His reply “this is our family, you can’t opt out”"

'This is your daughter and you've already opted out.'

There's an oft-repeated quote - 'When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time' (Maya Angelou, IIRC).

With his response, he has shown you who he is. Everything has to revolve around him, you are not his equal, not even his spouse, just a domestic appliance that he can shag. You exist to meet his needs and wants - as does his daughter.

I can see why his first marriage failed. He can't opt out but he's thinks he's entitled to.

Wow his a shit dad isn’t he.

Yes the structure is that he needs to consider himself the only parent in your household and arrange childcare as appropriate as your not his built in nanny and are only willing to help in emergencies and say one evening set the hours each week.

He seems to forget it’s his daughter.

Your partner is a massive dick

imagine what he'd be like with your children if you had them and thank your lucky stars he's shown you his priorities

stick to your guns OP

He’s taking the absolute piss.
please whatever you do dont have children with him.

Wow - can you leave him? I rarely offer that advice. But refusing to look after his own daughter, not spending any time with you, eating his dinner in BED?!!!!! And now saying that you cannot opt out of looking after HIS daughter. You have zero free time for a social life. Please don't threaten to leave him. Just tell him you don't want to be with him any more, and then get rid of him. I know you said the house is half yours, but either sell or get him to buy you out. This is no way to live your life.

ETA : he will 100% tell you how much he loves you and how he wants to start a family with you. Please laugh at him when he tells you this.

I think you are discovering exactly why his first marriage failed.
Poor child, that her father thinks so little of her.

Why can you not opt out when you have no biological connection to the child or financial responsibility for her but yet the actual parent opts out every single day? You most definitely have a DH problem here - why is his time more precious than yours? Why is he not concerned that he doesn't spend time with his child? For the love of a sandwich, please do not have a child of your own with this man or you will be solo parenting your child AND his child! Fair play for not being an evil stepmother here but your DH is absolutely taking the proverbial here. Good luck 🤞

LTB.

It wont get better. He used his mum and now you.
Fwiw by BFF had a similar situation. Ended up doing all the childcare and school runs for her younger partner.
She complains and he replaces her with DP number three.
Please leave him, it is abuse.

I don't see how his first wife who sends her child away so often because cannot cope with her work , is good either - they are both shit and are using the nice doctor they found

My jaw hit the floor when I read that. His audacity and lack of self awareness is shocking.

‘’we’ don’t need to do anything, ‘you’ do. You need to prioritise your daughter before your hobby’

don’t let him get away with calling his hobby a job op. Correct him every time. Jobs bring in money. This is a hobby.

Hold your ground OP!