The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

He really is showing his true colours now, isn't he!

I'd say, 'ok-it's not working at the moment as I am doing everything and you are never here. Let's write it down... What are you going to do?'

I was once aupair to a single father....we agreed all conditions before hand, only one night babysitting a week. One day without any discussion he mentioned he is going to start going out few more times per month on days I usually went out. I said: I won't be here, will the neighbours call the police on you because your child cries alone on the front lawn, not my problem

I think it’s time for you to ‘opt out’ of this relationship OP

Would you share the outcome of this🙏

I met my DH when his DSD was 3. He had her every Saturday until Sunday morning plus one week night. He tried to keep those times free but if he ever couldn't he'd ask me plenty in advance if I could be there and then check with her that she'd be happy with me (she always was). If we both were out, or I was away, he'd get his sister to sit which they both loved. I think this is normal, his child and he wanted to be there for her.

Even if it was both your child then him putting his gym and fitness above caring for her every day is just selfish.

He makes me angry. He opts out on every occasion DSD is at your home. You need to point this out to him. Point out he’s opting out of BEING A FATHER

I'd be raging at that last comment. You are simply a 'nanny with a fanny' to him - and this is HIS daughter.

I'd be telling him, 'You'd better take a long, hard look at yourself - or I'll be opting ALL the way out and filing for divorce. We are not a family - you choose to opt out of 'family life' and you are badly failing your DD and your (current) wife'.

"This is your child. You can't opt out. I, on the other hand, have no parental duties whatsoever."

yes, the father did not go out as the tried to imply he would.

He'll behave in the manner of the proverbial pigeon when you attempt to have a game of chess with it!

Basically this

You are a family surly wants to be involved with his little girl and she him you sound like a great mum to be their he should see himself that doing what he wants all his free time put your self first tell him straight u want to meet with friends he'll have to pass on arrangement he's planed

I am continually surprised how many amazing women in healthcare are married to useless men. I always thought women who are brave to look at blood, suffering etc and help others, are managing their lives extremely well

Do not have a baby with this man.

Why the fuck not, he has. This man has more front than Harrods. I'm furious on your behalf. He's so comprehensively taking the piss that you are beyond reasonable negotiations and go fuck yourself is the only appropriate response.

This.

You can, because you never "opted in" to being the default parent or a replacement father.

Id be very clear, he either immediately starts fulfilling his responsibilities to that child or you "opt out" entirely.

Why are you with this loser?

@seasonofthebitch

lol what a prick. You can totally opt out. And I would tbh

He is really emotionally blackmailing you into the active parent’s role so that he doesn’t have to do it!!! He’s being very selfish right now. I’d tell him that you’re seriously reconsidering the relationship as at the moment, as you feel very used right now as there’s a massive imbalance in active parenting. Not to mention the zero quality time you have together now.

He’s a selfish, entitled arse.
Time for you to be unavailable on those days OP - his child is his responsibility on his days, not yours.
It’s lovely you have put in effort and built a strong relationship with his kid, but it should NOT be the expectation that he disappears all night every night to do personal things for himself and that you do all the childcare for his child.

Him gaslighting you, mansplaining with the audacity to make it sound like you are in any way the unreasonable one is manipulative and delusional of him.
He doesn’t seem like a good man. Don’t have any kids with this pig OP.

Please opt out.

Good point well made.

They target capable women who put the needs of others before their own, hide true colours until she is trapped.

Do not have a baby with this man.

If you are disgruntled now at his lazy, selfish, neglectful attitude towards both you and his DD now, imagine how you’ll feel with a baby or two to him and you are stuck at home while he swans off every evening and weekend.

Run a mile now 🏃‍♀️