The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Well it’s clear why he has an EX wife. I’d have cleared off as well.

what a selfish knob. Arrange some stuff for yourself - don’t be around to be the doormat.

What. On. Earth. You realise that you are just "the help"? You have no life with him, you're just there to facilitate his.. Which is his work, hobbies and friends, not you or his child.

Why did you marry him?

And the eating in bed can get in the bin also. Grim.

So, when you say, 'why is it that it's ME that can't go anywhere every evening and at the weekends, not you, when it's YOUR child who needs looking after?' what does he say?

Sorry to say this but just how confident are you that he's actually in the gym every evening?

My nan married a widower who had 2 children, and he was 15 years her senior.
To put it mildly, her parents weren’t pleased about it.
They knew he just wanted an unpaid skivvy to look after his kids.

But my nan being the stubborn woman she was, told her parents to mind their beeswax, and married him anyway.

As an adult, i’m totally in her parent’s camp.

I’d be annoyed at this with my DH and my biological children if he was swanning off everytime! You need to at the very least do something on a Thursday night and a day at the weekend - and be non negotiable about it. His poor DD is such an inconvenience to him, what an ick.

That they're a family and she's being selfish and difficult. The level of delusion amongst men like this is incredible. They only see women as enablers for their lives.

Unless you want this lifestyle added few more of your own, now is the time to leave. Most men are like that, however mine is not. Football season ticket, weekly golf, even more working hours went out the window when I came in his life. I am not an add on to a man's life and little house appliance with a hole between her legs. I am a human and coupled so I am not alone in the evenings and weekends.

He works 9-3 in a job. He’s more senior than me so makes roughly the same amount to be honest
Some of his ability to earn money is reliant on your provision of free childcare. He needs you more than you need him, ergo you have the upper hand here, you just need to wield your power strategically.

Sorry but the term nanny with a fanny comes to mind @seasonofthebitch

He doesn’t spend time with you or his daughter

Expects you be default parent most days and every weekend

He then sulks and uses emotional blackmail to put you back in the box.

I’m pleased that you are going away this weekend but you now need to be organising things in the evening as well.

If you give in an inch he will take a mile…..

BTW his parents have enabled this manchild…..he now needs to grow the hell up.

desperate for attention women

The master of the house doesn't want to spend time with the slave, he's too important for that.

oh please, don't tell me he came to your house!!!

DP has sent me a message basically saying that we “need” to agree a “structure” routine of who will look after DSD. He said he needs to continue his training “job”, and we need to work around that.

I’ve replied saying I can’t offer structured childcare.

His reply “this is our family, you can’t opt out”

He's bloody well opting out @seasonofthebitch !!

Hmm.

How about you try:
"this is your daughter, you can't opt out"?

Opting out is exactly what he is doing!! I’d be letting him know that.

and be telling him in no uncertain terms the every night gym networking job has so far failed to earn any cash - so it’s time to call that quits.

Whatever you do OP dont let him talk you into having his baby. He's highly likely to try because he'll know that'll make it much easier to dominate you completely.

So you can’t opt out but he can - what a prick

Sure darling - here’s the structure:

• you do it

100% this

I am ENRAGED about the opting out comment. He's the one adding more OOH commitments, not you!

DD is his family, he can't opt out...

You, however, can. Make sure your contraception is on point. If you have DC now, he'd be all you can't be unfair between the kids, yadda, yadda...

"I am not her parent, you are" on repeat.

Omg that “opt out” comment has sent me under! Cheeky fucking prick. He opts out CONSTANTLY and it’s his own child. He sounds terrible.