The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

I think it's a really good way to test out whether a person is decent tbh, say no to something they want you to do and then watch how they react. Your DH has not come out of this well unfortunately, his reaction speaks volumes about his level of respect for you and his ability to be a responsible adult and parent.

You're going to need an iron will now to withstand the likely onslaught of emotional manipulation and sulking he's going to use to try and get you back in your box, if you give in even a little bit he will bulldozer you until things are back to 'normal', or as we know it 'you doing everything'. Being brutally honest either he will cave and realise his easy ride is over and he really does need to grow up now, or it will destroy your relationship, but the resentment you will feel if you carry on as you are is just as likely to do that anyway so you don't really have anything to lose by trying.

If you don't make a stand for yourself now, it will get worse. In your situation id probably say you were happy to do 2 weekday evenings but are not prepared to give up your weekends so he can do his hobbies.

He is a parent, he needs to buck up his ideas.

You need to be much MUCH firmer with him. Even call him a deadbeat father. Which he is. And say if he doesn't start parenting his child and spending time at home, he'll be talking to a divorce lawyer.

He works then leaves you and DSD so he can go and live a single life network, while you sit on your own virtually every evening and weekend.
Come on @seasonofthebitch! What are you getting out of this sham of a relationship?

"He’s then disruptive, making his dinner and expecting to eat in bed?!?!"
What the fuck?

He needs to be a single man!

Absolutely fuck this.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

Sounds like you'd be much happier without him tbh....he's got you as an unpaid nanny rather than a wife

^This. The man is a gross (dinner in bed at 11pm) misogynist, an awful husband and a shit father and role model to his daughter. You don’t even have one on one time so I doubt your relationship is healthy.

Why are you with him?

You sound like the perfect stepmother OP. Your partner sounds like an extremely selfish human being who totally takes your lovely nature for granted. I'm usually all about concilliatory posts to keep families together. I'm not saying you should leave him although I do think there needs to be some serious conversations with ultimatums if he is not willing to compromise. He needs to get his act together & stop prioritising his social activities if only for the sake of his daughter who has no doubt been through enough. His desire to keep fit is admirable but at what cost to his family.

Taxi!

when do YOU get to go to the gym, OP? @seasonofthebitch

So on his weekends allocated to his daughter he is out doing hobbies/voluntary stuff?!

He has every other weekend free to do this.

He cares very little for his child, time is so precious and hes wasting it. That would be a massive turn off for me

I really hope that writing this down is helping you to see this for what it is. Please starting making your plan to leave.

I'd spend your newfound time getting a social life back!

I hope you have a lovely weekend away with your sister. And stick to your plan to not do all the child care every evening!
It's really not normal for you to be doing this. Good luck!

I know this isn’t the point of your post, OP, but why doesn’t the child spend any weekends with her mum? That’s quite sad. Ignore, just read your update.

Back on topic, he’s an arse who is taking advantage of you.

ALL step parents do not do this, as it is not their responsibility. I have been a step-parent for 13 years, DSS is now 14, I can count on one hand the number of days I have had him for a few hours on my own because DH has had to go to work for a specific event they have on the day in question. Never for social reasons.

Contact is about the biological parent spending time with their child. I love my DSS, of course I do, I have done all the similar things that you have in my time as he has grown up and think nothing of feeding, clothing and bloody spoiling him as he is a good kid who asks for nothing, but that is by my choice, it is not a requirement of being a step parent. We spend time together, all of us, and then they have time together, just them, which is also very important.

Your DP needs to be told that you are support, not a default parent. Your involvement is by choice, not by design, nor obligation. You should only be caring for his daughter when he is genuinely unavailable due to a contractual commitment pertaining to his job or similar. He needs to parent up!

I've realised that "don't marry someone with kids if you don't want kids in your life" to me relates to the kids' experience not enabling the parent. So I think if you marry someone with kids you should absolutely make your home their home, they should be comfortable there and you should include them. You should invite them on day's out and holidays and treat them as a member of the family. BUT I think what you're doing really is enabling good parenting, not doing the parenting. You are ensuring the other parent can give them a warm, welcoming home and look after them. I don't think you should ever be expected to do the parenting (except where you and the child both want that) - as the child already have parents. You should be a loving presence in their lives but not an unpaid nanny. Childcare is absolutely the responsibility of the parents. (I think an exception might be where one biological parent has died)

This is a bloody fantastic summary of the role of a step-parent!!

This is not anyone's idea of a healthy relationship.

You spend no quality time together. - no date nights, no cosy nights in watching a film together. You don't eat together, or even cook for each other!

He is not showing you any care, consideration, or respect. And also is showing very little to his daughter, which is very sad.

Things need to change, and the only person that can make that happen is you.

It would be very interesting if you totted up how many hours of sole child care you do a week, and how many hours he does, given that he said you were 'making a fuss over a couple of hours'.

Are you happy to do, say , 1 morning a week, 1 bedtime a week, and a couple of hours on one weekend day? Or you don't want to do any of it any more? Decide what you are happy with, write it down, and give it to him.

Also, think about what you would like re your relationship with him eg date night at least once a month; dinner together at least 3 times a week - whatever.

His reaction to all of this will tell you whether he is interested in repairing and rebuilding your marriage, or not.

Good luck OP!

I'm all for people having their own interests but this sounds excessive, I mean does he ever have time for you?
Sounds like you are doing an amazing job and your dsd is very lucky to have you, but he should be doing better for his daughter and you.

So this is a shit situation, because it's the child that suffers. Poor kid.

And if you split up, op, and it sounds like you should, she will again suffer. Which you'll then feel responsible for.

And he doesn't care enough about putting HIS child in this situation.

Absolutely pathetic

He isn't willing to be a father so he conned you into being a mother.

He's got some nerve trying to guilt trip you when he isnt willing to take care of the child he fathered.

This needs to be your hill to die on.

You are his maid. You are not his wife. From his history it sounds like this is what he thinks women are. They exist so to facilitate men doing what they want.

You are well and truly being had. If there was any doubt, the sulking he's doing is a key indicator.