The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

So you don't see him in the evenings and you have the step daughter, who you are looking after most of the time, every weekend.

I don't understand why you have been putting up with this. This isn't a relationship, it's unpaid drudgery.

I presume he's amazing in the sack. I hope it's worth it!!?

That is also a very long time at the gym. Could he be having an affair?

This is so mad. Esp when a small change eg you all have dinner at 5.45 (piece of toast for DSD if she is ravenous after school) and then he puts her to bed at 7 and goes to the gym at 7.30 would be transformative to the amount of family time.

So you pay your way and provide free childcare.

Well you can't pretend it hasn't been spelt out to you by us.

Pack a bag and go stay elsewhere for a bit.
Take some space OP.

You are being used.
Get therapy to figure out wth you would think this is normal or acceptable?

He expects to eat in bed, when you’re going to sleep?! Wtf?

And why doesn’t he make dinner for everyone when he’s cooking for his child?

Also, I don’t think we ever got to the bottom of this absurdly early bedtime she has - does she lie awake for hours?

He is royally taking the piss. What an arsehole.

Even if you don't want to have more children, I cannot understand why women are attracted to shit fathers. I couldn't like or respect a man who's unwilling or incapable of looking after his own child.

Whst the hell happened in your rearing that you would actually think this is normal and all you deserve?

Eating in bed while you’re trying to go to sleep is so disrespectful. He doesn’t value you.

No wonder you've lost connection with reality. Sleep-deprived and overworked.

Seriously give your head a shake.

Or write this down as if you were advising a friend in the same situation. Get a bit of perspective....

Why are you putting up with this

Sell the house
Leave
He must think you're a total fool
I bet you're not

Book a couple of evening classes/yoga or something and tell him you’re going to be busy those evenings.

Yanbu at all.

His child stays with him for contact with her dad and for her dad to share in the parenting. It's lovely if you want to support him in that but totally inappropriate for him to hand so much of it over to you. If he doesn't have room in his life for looking after his child then she should be with her mum or other family members. No matter how nice you are you aren't related to her, she's not your responsibility and you can't give her what she needs.

Be firm about this. A good first step is to arrange a few weekends where you are elsewhere and not there to be dumped upon. If he steps up and looks after her properly in your absence then there's hope. If he instead dumps her on his mum or some other patsy then he's a waste of oxygen and you'll be better off without him. As pp say you are probably seeing the shithead behaviour that ended his previous relationships.

Eats in bed but you're potentially already asleep? WTF am I reading! This guy is taking the piss!

Also there are loads of ways he could improve things-

• he finishes work at 3, goes to the gym from 3.30- 4.30 whilst child goes to after school club or grandparent he then picks her up at 5, goes home and then you eat later/ together and she goes to bed at 7;
• he does dinner for everyone, you all eat early evening and then he puts her to bed and goes to the gym at around 7.30-8;
• he does workouts at home.

I am sure he won’t want to do any of these things but they are surely possible. And no single parent with a 5 yr old has things all their own way.

This! If she was your daughter rather than your step daughter he’d still be utterly taking the piss. This is an additional layer of piss taking on top of that piss taking.

I’m usually the first to say “Don’t marry somebody with kids if you’re not prepared to be a parent to them” on these threads, but this is ridiculous. It would be completely unacceptable if it was your shared child, let alone your stepchild. Why does he get to opt out of being a parent? He’s a father - the hours when he’s not working his paid job need to be spent with her, by and large.

To be honest, even if he didn’t have a child, I don’t think I’d want to stay with a man who spent every evening at the gym. When do you get to spend time together?

Can't vote because I don't quite agree with either statement. I do believe step parents have to accept the child as if it were their own. The child did not ask for it's parents to seperate but a step parent had the option not to get involved with a person who had a kid.

However your partner is utterly unreasonable and would still be if you were the biological mother of his kid. How unbelievably selfish with his time he is! I do think he's using you.

You barely have a relationship.

Can you try to explain why you’re there?

I have no idea why you would agree to or put up with this.

Divorce the arse, sell the house. Live your life. Surely you want more to life than this?

Op is there something in your upbringing or past life that has pushed you into accepting this little effort and this much disrespect? From your previous posts it was absolutely clear to you your dh wanted to dump his daughter on whichever woman would take her - his mum until you joined the circus.

Why are you tolerating this? Why did you choose this? I mean that seriously and not to be judgemental. You won't be able to move forward until you know why you are tolerating such awful behaviour from a man who is supposed to love and cherish you.

You can see clearly why the mother of his child wasn't interested in his selfish man-child behaviour.

Frankly, you'd be well rid of him.

Glad you've had a word, OP. And now I'd be out of the house as much as possible around bedtime, and longer, for the next couple of weeks. He'll have to shoehorn exercise around family life like the rest of us.

To everyone on here saying it's different if you're a SAHP and it's your kid... well, it isn't, actually. Both parents are entitled to an equal share of any down time/exercise time, regardless of earnings. A family is a team. and you've been way more than a team player. You've done her father a favour a few times because he's your husband, and you love your SD. And he's now taken advantage. But you have no responsibility here whatsoever. If you're in and around, after he's done the dad work and put her to bed, it's kind of you to be the adult in the house to allow him to be able to go out. That is more than enough.

I'm wondering if the child's mum is aware of all this, not the purpose of the thread I know, but it seems to me like a new custody arrangement is needed. This woman has entrusted her child to her father who has then passed the responsibility on to the OP. This isn't what they agreed.