The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

You are 'causing issues'?!

Do you work?
Who does the housework/cooking/cleaning in your house?
Who owns your house?

This is so important - the difference in language "just a few hours" "not a big deal" "you owe it to the family" if it's the woman, but "extremely tiring" "massively awkward" "completely unfair" if it's the man

Dear me.

Your partner/husband is taking you for a total fool

Leave him, live elsewhere

I expect he'll pay a childminder, then

I’m a medic. I half own the house

Exactly this! Total arse, thinking his time is so much more precious.

I'd remind him that it's in his DD's best interests to be with him more than you, to deepen their relationship.

A medic? Does that mean a doctor? Do you work full time?

Sounds like you are an intelligent person. Sure you can do better than this for your future.

It would also be fine for you to just chill at home, while he does the parenting.

He's just manipulated and gas lit you to get what he wants - you looking after his kid so he can go do whatever he likes.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

Stepparents certainly do not all do this. I definitely would not have done this when I was a stepmum.
And the breathtaking irony of him going on about family and how you should be doing your bit. Wow.

This is so true!

Well done for having the chat

his daughter is going there to see him. Not for you to do it all

keep strong

Well OP you've been a mug. But the good news is you don't have to continue being a mug. Many women act as you have. They want to impress a man so they go all out showing him how great they are with his kids and being a domestic goddess, but then have a moment of awakening when they discover they've become the default parent and house keeper. These men are not daft are they?

OP when do you actually have any time as a couple if he's at the gym every evening 6:30-9:30? Agree that he's taking the absolute piss.

I'm familiar with the type who just 'has to' spend all his time on the side hustle/'business' that makes no money. Sure he's doing it 'for the family'. As if. Anything that gets them out of the house when they should be minding their own children. His mother and ex probably feel sorry for you.

You can do better.

I said that if he can’t look after DSD when she is here then she needs to be at mums, he said her mum works, I said well you need to sort it out between yourselves.

I used to have these conversations with DH when DSS was younger (although DH didn't take the pee like the DH in this thread).

I think a lot of it boils down to what people think 'access' is for. I always used to think it was for the child to spend time with their father, but I came to realise it is (for a lot of people) "Mum's time off" (fair enough) meaning some fathers think that if they're taking the child off their Mum's hands, then they're doing their bit.

But to the step-parent, it just feel like access by proxy, which is ridiculous.

I'm so glad you're challenging him, OP

If he’s complaining of being tired, point out that him cutting back on the excessive exercising would help with that.

He's not unreasonable in expecting a step-parent to co-parent his child.

He is WILDLY unreasonable in taking up every single evening and weekend with his fucking networking and expecting you to do pretty much 100% of the parenting, giving you no time to pursue your own hobbies/health and unable to leave the house.

He's also a WILDLY unreasonable to get the arse on because you're not around this weekend to facilitate his lovely life.

What is more, he's a total and utter prick for saying he's too 'tired' to look after his own child.

It makes no odds that she is your step-daughter. If she was your biological daughter, he would still be a massive raging selfish self-centred lazy twat of a manchild and a magnificently, abundantly shit husband, partner and father.

HTH.

I’m guess this is one of those situations that has gradually crept up. You were happy to help out, got in the habit of doing bedtimes etc, and then something has made you sit and reassess the situation. Maybe you realise you’re facilitating his (single-ish) lifestyle, while doing all the parenting, housework, cooking etc. and at the same to
e, you have a pressurised job.

For him, life is good. He gets to do his hobby daily, a wife who (probably) does everything, and is (almost certainly) the bigger earner etc. All gain for him.

Honestly don’t think the fact she isn’t your child even really matters all that much. If this were a child you shared, he’d still be completely out of order! Who the fuck spends three hours at the gym? Are you sure he isn’t having an affair?

When do you even get time together just the two of you? It doesn’t sound like there is any? It sounds like a very one sided relationship to me. Another selfish man 🙄

You were exactly what he needed. He must feel he won the jackpot, he gets to behave like a single man whilst you the unpaid nanny do what he should be doing. He doesn't even want to spend time with you does he? Leave, spend time on your own and work out why you are willing to accept such an awful man in your life.

Very little time together, I have pointed this out to him. No date nights. I work 8-4 Monday to Friday. So basically I get home at 5, DP has picked up DSD from school and given tea. Then I get a shower (I’m in a hospital) and make my own tea. He leaves around 6:30 (sometimes 6) and then gets back around 10. I’m mostly asleep or nearly asleep. He’s then disruptive, making his dinner and expecting to eat in bed?!?! I fall asleep at 11 latest.

He works 9-3 in a job. He’s more senior than me so makes roughly the same amount to be honest.

Really important

Really sorry you’re in this situation but well done for realising before having children with him. Sorry for his DD too. I hope you can go back to your own path without too much pain. Maybe tell the DSDs mum if you’re leaving too, as she can help soothe DSD hopefully (if you don’t stay in touch much with DSD).

This is not normal. It might be something people do when they have 2-3 kids when they’ve been married for 20 years, but even then only if it works for both kids. Being at the gym for basically the whole evening when you’ve only got back at 5 is ridiculous.

I think he sees you as a sex nanny.

And wtf is he doing eating in bed at that time of night, probably waking you up. That’s revolting and completely antisocial. He needs to eat beforehand with his DD (plus he should be cooking for you), or just have a sandwich downstairs at that time of night.