The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

I can never wrap my head around how it gets to this point where you are parenting and feel more of a parent to your step daughter than your own partner who is her biological dad!

I think when you enter a relationship with someone with a child it’s a huge thing and doing say, one bedtime a week to help out is fully acceptable and fine. Doing pack lunches, not a huge ask. But giving up your weekends to parent his child whilst he is out? Spending evenings putting his child to bed whilst he is at the gym?

I feel like you need to wake up a bit and put an end to this!!! You are being completely used.

I agree with this, I hope this man realizes the mistake he is making before it's too late.

Funnily enough my ex moved straight back to his parents house at first, he then had two helpers plus his sister was visiting all the time too.

Next he got married to someone he’d known a year and they had a child, all within six months of us getting divorced. He managed the grand total of two whole months living on his own with the kids being with him half the time. I very much think some men are always on the look out for their next parenting support system/partner, they are too lazy to do it on their own.

Stick to your guns OP and I would ask do you want to stay with someone this selfish and uncaring towards his own daughter?

Obviously he was very annoyed.

Why obviously? Why did he have a kid if he didn't think he should look after them?

@seasonofthebitch so glad you told him straight, especially the bit about childcare being ‘women’s work’.
BUT, it’s interesting that you said ‘…he needs to address childcare. Obviously he was very annoyed.’ Why obviously? He was very annoyed that you had plans of your own, or that he would have to be a parent? Either of these options show his appalling attitude to you and his dd. Ghastly man. As a pp asked, did he move in with you?

In this situation I would be wondering if he viewed me as anything more than a nanny with benefits… and wondering how I had allowed myself to be drawn in in to such a predicament

It has occurred to me it might be about money. A father who is paying £400 maintenance for one child whilst on paper having them 50/50 will be on a salary of over £100k. I think. We don’t know the ops circumstances, or why she’s tolerating this.

Sulk. Complaints of “tiredness” blah blah blah…

Ooh, I know how he can be less tired - stop going to the gym for 3h+ a day!

I’m a genius 😀

Thinking about this reminds me of our old neighbour-this went on over about 8/9 years

He moved in and seemed to have 3 kids

His girlfriend moved in with them and was soon pregnant

We saw her doing the school runs every other week,hear her looking after them (even at the stage of about to pop),she'd take them out and she looked knackered (never heard/saw him looking after them)

She had the baby and the rows started

She moved out months later and within a week another woman moved in

Rinse and repeat-she was pregnant within 2 months,she seemed to do everything and the rows started

Another woman moved in within days...

They moved at 6 kids and counting

I heard him screaming at them because he had a big important job and that they'd agreed to childcare and they screamed back that they'd just had a baby and where not his free childcare (3 seemed to have given up their jobs to do this)

It seemed he used his mum to have them on the days he was between women and soon moved them in once he'd broken up with the last

Bet hes still at it and some women put up with it

(Im not a nosey neighbour-they had these rows in the back garden)

He may have agreed that he'd have his DD at weekends so her DM could work but he obviously never had any intention of staying at home with her- there's your telling remark about even his own Mum won't look after her all the time- no doubt she got fed up of your DH going out every weekend and leaving her with two full days of childcare.
Look out for the emotional blackmail that will come next @seasonofthebitch , he'll be telling you that you don't love his DC, or get his DD to say she's sad you don't see her. I know men like your DH, they will try any tactic that means they don't have to stop having their own way

For the next three consecutive weekends, go and visit your own family and friends and stay overnight on Saturday.

I voted YABU as you are a doormat . Full stop. Your partner is a selfish pr?!k and is taking the piss.

YANBU and I think it's clear why him and his ex split up (might be other contributing factors I'm sure but he's clearly a self-centered person who only cares about getting to do the things he wants to do).

Do you work yourself OP, are you doing all this care for his child after finishing your own job?

What a SHIT father this little girl has. He def saw you coming - OP, decide if you want to stay with such a shit person, if you have your own kids - what's going to happen then? Well done to you for being so lovely to his daughter, but hes taking the absolute fucking piss now.

@seasonofthebitch

Oh dear what sort of man have you got yourself lumbered with. Sounds a selfish ass and a poor father to boot.

Don't you have any boundaries at all? Tell him to father up and be a proper dad and perhaps stop being a doormat.

OP, be very careful, this is red flag territory.
He doesn't want to mind his child and he clearly married you to do this.
Sulking, and trying to grind you down is the action of a controlling and potentially abusive man.

Does he earn well and pay his way?
What is exactly the housing situation?

Men like him often seek out a home owning woman to provide housing.

I hope you have family and friends around you because men like him often escalate to get their skivvy aupair back into line.

Watch him very carefully.
You sound vulnerable to have got caught up in this.

Tell family and friends the truth.
This is not a good man.

What a selfish prick he is as well as a fucking useless father and husband. It’s all me me me in his world isn’t it? He’s the main character and you’re just the female supporting cast who he sees as pretty worthless.

How on earth do you find this twat attractive?

Why are you with him? He doesn't sound like a keeper, OP. He sounds like a leech.

Total manchild. What on earth do you see in him?

He is a shit dad.

You have only been unreasonable to have naively let it get this far by playing step mummy before the novelty has worn off.

Unfortunately it might mean relationship issues as he thought he was marrying a childminder - better to know now what type of man he is if you were planning to have your own children.

"He said that I’m causing issues and point scoring with a couple of hours of looking after DSD. I said i love DSD but she is here to see you, you need to do bedtimes, wakeups, lunches etc. I also said I don’t want DSD growing up thinking childcare is “woman’s work”.
Sulk. Complaints of “tiredness” blah blah

OP listen carefully "causing issues"?

That is code for KNOW YOUR PLACE AND WHY I MARRIED YOU.

Your place is skivvy aupair, not to complain, just STFU and get on with it.

If he moved into your home, get legal advice as a short marriage hopefully won't mess you up financially too much.

He's a grifter.

You're doing all this childcare for him. He's taking you for granted, he doesn't value your contribution, and he is telling you he doesn't care about your comfort or happiness.

He may be relying on you, but don't mistake that for him valuing you or treating you with respect.

@seasonofthebitch Sorry OP, but I'm afraid you're basically a nanny with benefits. I should reconsider this relationship because I don't think your DH is with you because of your sparkling wit or charm. He's determined to dump his child on any available female. It's incredibly common for blokes to marry a woman just to look after their kids - and obviously readily available sex is an added bonus.

Both parents are using you as unpaid childcare. They did this to his mum who cottoned on and eventually told them both to F off so they have moved onto you. Don’t have a baby with this man.

I guess you're seeing why his previous partner left him. Walk away. He's a user who has no respect for you as an equal partner . He is shirking his responsibilities and is lacking common decency. I am sure you can do better.