The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Just go on your weekend away Op, let him sulk. He's a pretty shoddy parent Op, don't let him get away with it anymore

You are a household nanny appliance to him.

I actually think he is being extremely unreasonable even if you were the mum and not the step mum!

The entitlement of him that he can just do as he pleases and you are the default 'babysitter'!

I think I would have responded to his sulking/annoyance with ‘why on earth would you be sulking/annoyed that you have to look after your daughter?!? Or course you do, you’re her parent. Why would you think it’s my role?’

Very well done OP - don’t weaken, he’s had a right old life up to now!! Bet it’s been a complete shock to him the selfish man.
He needs to take full responsibility for his daughter (as does his ex) and you can still be there for her providing love and support.

Get yourself a hobby or meet up with friends more regularly. Learn to say no. Let him sulk over it, if he loves DD & you and values the relationship beyond childcare he'll come round.

Presumably this led to his first divorce.

Yes even if you were daughters mum he’s behaving completely selfishly!

At least you've not had a child with him.

You need a long discussion and a reset.

This is marriage ending.

Yes I agree with this. It’s awful because he’s getting out of actively parenting his own child. I think I would have a sit down talk with him and ask why he’s passing all his responsibilities onto you?! He has to be an active parent. Perhaps you can make yourself busier in the evenings e.g go to a hobby/grab a coffee/meet a friend etc.

Stick to your guns.

I like what you said to him about SD not thinking childcare a woman's job.

His child is his responsibility.

Make yourself less available, so you're not the defecto childcare.

@seasonofthebitch Whatever you do do not have kids with this gym bro! You will be expected to do all the parenting and if you separate he will find a nanny with a fanny to do the work for him.

He's not going to make this easy for you OP. He's seen you coming a long way off and had everything his own way for quite some time. He won't give that up without a fight. You need to stay strong, find hobbies, don't be around as the default. That poor little girl, I really feel for her. Make it clear you are rapidly losing respect for him due to his inability to be a good father to his daughter. He needs to step up.

Why are you even with him? What on earth does he bring to your life to make it better?

He's a lazy, entitled, sexist twerp.

He's been taking the piss and that would have annoyed me but you have been going along with it until now so he was just taking what he thought he could get away with but his reaction to you telling him he needs to take responsibility for parenting would have me packing my bags. The sheer entitlement of the man is deeply unattractive.

If you decide to stay with this cheeky fucker I would refuse to provide any childcare at all until he has proved himself for several months. You will probably find you see far less of your step daughter because her lazy, selfish father doesn't think he should put anyone before himself. I'd honestly have a very low opinion of you if you had children with this man. If you want your own children you need to choose a better father.

I'm sorry OP but he's using you.

For God's sake dont get pregnant.
He should be ashamed of himself.

Men that get annoyed at having to care for their own children are deeply unattractive.

@seasonofthebitch

How is this amount of childcare impacting your career, fitness, social life? General wellbeing?

please put yourself first - it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with dsd but that could be end in an instant if the relationship does.

Apparently not, given how many women enter relationships with them!

Sulk. Complaints of “tiredness” blah blah blah…

He is sulking because he has to parent his daughter??! What??

How the heck can you find such a man attractive in any way?

I hang out in various FB groups where this type of man is fairly common. I'm actually doing a course at the moment where "The only thing that gets in the way of my training is the wife and kids" was a phrase in the example answer of a piece of coursework.

He will probably not step up. He'll increase pressure on his ex, you or his mum.

I think you need to be prepared he might try and find a new mug, if the 3 of you expect him to change and parent his kid. You are there to do childcare, what else do you do with him if he's out that much?

Great work OP. Stand your ground. This isn't just helpful for you, it's also important for his daughter that he actually does the boring, necessary stuff with her, which is how children learn they're actually loved and cared for. I know so many kids who were palmed off to nannies for all the night wakings, nappy changing and feeding times, who feel fundamentally insecure and unhappy because they grew up with parents who could only bother to be around when it was fun or convenient.

It's in his head as women's work. Tiring and tiresome for him and easy and just a couple of hours for you. So your time matters less too.

I have two stepsons whose life I have been in for over two years. I occasionally take them out on my own either together or separately (because I love their company), and VERY occasionally have them myself at home whilst OH is out. But he is 100% the de facto parent when they are with us, and his time when they’re with us revolves around them. Any support from me is either offered by me or asked for in advance. I would happily do a lot more than I do, but it’s not necessary.

your OH is being unfair.