The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

These are my thoughts too. If my DC spent more time with their dad's partner, I'd be insisting that if he can't be arsed, then he doesn't get any time at all. This poor little girl will experience long term daddy issues caused solely by his rejection, she's bloody lucky to have you but he is a selfish entitled arse and the fact that his own mother knows this really reinforces this.
I think I'd be writing down all of the times, by the hour, that she spends with you both, and spell out in writing, how much of that time he's with her ( when she's awake).
And finally, I can see how easily anyone could fall into this tbh, so don't beat yourself up, but make changes from today.

Of course it is. He’s laughing - he doesn’t pay any child support and gobs off all parental responsibilities to the women he sees as beneath him.

Honestly OP he was waving red flags from the start so no idea why you married a man who had already shown himself to be a useless father,

So are you basically facilitating a 50:50 split so he saves money and spends no time with his daughter ?

In the nicest possible way, you need to get some evening interests. And stop being so available. You also need to speak to your husband re expectations. Why does he have his daughter so frequently if he doesn't want to spend time with her. Maybe he changes his access to alternate weekends or whatever suits his lifestyle.

He's already pissed off one partner and his own mum, chances are you're going to split up as well.

Wonder how long it will take him to find another 'Nanny with a fanny' to raise his daughter for the next instalment?!

Poor child!

A colleague at work has the exact same thing

(In her case,its two kids and both parents)

They dump the kids off onto her as often as they can and shes ended up spending all her money on them as they fight over the £15 a month csa money (he whinges that he cant afford it and she moans that it's not enough)

The poor sod cannot see shes a nanny with a fanny and is stuck in the middle of this (along with the kids)

She has now married him and had another baby (we all told her not to but she didnt listen) and is now stuck with 3 kids 5/6 days a week (shes on long term sick due to 'mental health issues' which is made worse by being the unpaid nanny, hes also on long term sick due to the same issues but swans off and does what he likes as long as he doesnt have to deal with his own dc)

They saw her coming and shes the only one that cant see it

I'd be getting out now-i wouldnt mind having dps child(ren) in an emergency but not to this extent

OMG so much yanbu.

He's taking the absolute piss. Both weekend days AND evenings in the week?! Sound like you're doing more parenting of HIS child than he is.

How old is SD?

OP had said she is 5.5

Tell him you will be another loving adult in DSD's life, but not a substitute for him.

Eg - he gets her ready for bed (without rushing around madly trying to also get ready to go the gym), and you add an extra story/song.

Definitely unpaid nanny status! Can you imagine if a woman with kids married a man and then assumed the man would look after her kids whenever was required so she could indulge in a time consuming hobby, and if he complained she just told him "well you knew what you were signing up for when you married a woman with kids"

Leave him,as he is only interested in fitness, but continue to see DSD every other wknd or once a month

Just leave him, honestly if you have your own DC with him he’s going to leave you to do everything. He’s a bad dad and a bad partner. Poor little girl being sent to bed at 6.30 because her Dad just wants her out of the way.

When do you spend time just the two of you? Does he take you on dates?

It’s not really appropriate for you to be doing bedtimes and looking after DSD solo (apart from occasionally babysitting to help out), I’d be annoyed if I was her mum.
Also what effort did he make for his DD for Christmas Eve?

I’d not put up with this behaviour from my actual husband and biological father of my DC, never mind someone I wasn’t even married to and was expecting me to look after their child!

When you do have your own DC do not be happy to do bedtime every night, parenting is hard work and needs to be a joint effort.

He does pay maintenance informally to DSD mum, I think it’s around £400 a month. DSD mum works weekends (I think) therefore the arrangement was that he’d had weekends. To be honest, DSD is here more than she’s at her mums, as her mum does shift work and it’s hard for her to arrange other childcare…

Ive spoken to DP/DH this morning saying I’m away this weekend, and he needs to address childcare. Obviously he was very annoyed. I said that if he can’t look after DSD when she is here then she needs to be at mums, he said her mum works, I said well you need to sort it out between yourselves.

He said that I’m causing issues and point scoring with a couple of hours of looking after DSD. I said i love DSD but she is here to see you, you need to do bedtimes, wakeups, lunches etc. I also said I don’t want DSD growing up thinking childcare is “woman’s work”.

Sulk. Complaints of “tiredness” blah blah blah…

it all started insidiously with an hour here or there, which was fine with me. Now it’s expected.

And btw… his gym routine is because he’s a business owner of a fitness company and thinks it’s part of his “networking” so calls it work. Work he makes zero money from.

Would she not rather be with her actual mummy he is beyond selfish to you and her in this situation. But 50/50 only works if the parents actually parent she’s effectively being shifted from 1 home to the other and left with you when she could be at home with her mummy if he’s not there. I guarantee this is to save him money he’s definitely got it good I bet your paying half the bills and loads of her expenses too. Ask him if when she looks back on her childhood would he have been a real part of it and not treated her like a burden. And you are facilitating this by being complicit. If he’s not going to do 50/50 she should be with her other parent.

That's the sad thing. She's have no rights to do this, which is why his "we're a family" line is bollocks

But even if you were her biological mother, I'd say childcare/bedtimes/time out of the house at the gym should be split 50/50. There is no way I'd do it all and my husband pops off to do his hobbies 100% of the time - and that's not even as a stepmum!

Well done op! He needs to step up in a major way.

Well done OP! Stand your ground now. He will try to guilt trip you and probably use DSD against you - but remember all of this is his choice not yours. He is the primary carer when she is at your house - it's okay for you to offer childcare, it is not okay for it to be expected.

Stick to your guns. Let him sulk for a bit.

What about your hobbies and social life? When do you go out and leave them to it?

It's really like he doesn't understand the concept of parenting at all. I'd rather like to swan off for some winter sun for a week, but I can't because I have kids who need me. That's how being a parent works as you have to make sacrifices and arrange your life around the kids. On the other hand OP you don't have any dependents - so i would strongly recommend you DO book and take a holiday just for you. Preferably leaving tomorrow.

Well done for tackling this with him. He needs to be clearly told that it is HIS daughter and she is there to spend time with HIM.

Even if the little girl was your biological daughter, that’s still way too many hours to be away from the family doing what you want.
So you can’t go out for a drink with friends, or go to the cinema or anything, while he swans off neglecting the fact he has a daughter.
I’d be really firm and stop this malarkey.
Why is a five year old going to bed so early though? Poor kid.

If he makes zero money, it’s not work op, it’s a hobby.

i continue to be absolutely fascinated/horrified as to why you are with him.

The more you post about him, the worse he sounds. Do you mean he’s not bringing any money to the table?
Did he move into your house?

Yes, totally agree! If he can't manage parenting with his current 'working' ie gym arrangements then he needs to change how he arranges things, it's not down to a woman to facilitate his choices for him. As others have said I would really think carefully about whether you want to have a child with this man yourself, this is clearly how he thinks things should be.