The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

there are lots of men who assume as women we have some natural desire to mother children who are not our own. We don’t, and you shouldn’t.

I agree, but she is.

You're going to have to do quite a lot of 'change' to get out of the current situation now, OP. As it is, you are doing virtually everything so he can live the live as a single gym bro.

I don't really see what's in it for you unless your previous existence was awful. Were you living with your horrible parents before and he told you to come and live with him and give up a job you really hated to help him out, so are happier than you were?! Yes, I've made all that up, but I could maybe see how you'd ended up like this if so.

What is your situation though? If you have a full time job, financial independence yet have still decided to marry and supply sex and constant childcare for this parenting-dodger, then WHY?!

He's taking the piss quite frankly. This is using you as a babysitter.

OP, have you heard the term "nanny with a fanny". Yes its very very crude. But that's what you are. You provide him with unpaid childcare and sex. He can live his life like a single bachelor while you provide free childcare. Why would he want to change that dynamic? He wont want to and he will resist. And deep down you have realised he is happy with this selfish dynamic.

Does the little girl's mum know how little time he is spending with their child on "his" time? That he opts out of reading his little girl a story and putting her to bed, or doing nice weekend activities with her, so he can suit himself and behave like he isn't a parent?

His DD is being let down. You are being let down. He also doesn't seem to be very caring of his mum either.

What do you get out of being with this selfish person?!

A good trial run to be a father???

He's absolutely taking the piss

Erm, why are you allowing this? I do not have a child, my DP does and they are with us 50% of the time. If social plans come up for DP whilst his child is with us- he declines them pretty much all the time- it is his time with his child - I think in 5 years there have been 2 evenings where he has gone out when his child is here - and both of those he asked if I wouldnt mind looking after them. If I had have had my own plans, he wouldnt have gone. No way would I be tolerating my life being dictated to in this way.

Of course I help out, collect from the child minders if he is stuck in traffic, have the child here in the holidays for the morning if I am WFH etc but that is the expection rather than the rule.

I fear this man is taking you for a mug.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

So, have I got this right, he can make plans and go out as and when he pleases despite being a parent to a small child but you - who doesn't have a child - cannot? Because you have to be there to look after HIS child?

Give me fucking strength.

Nah, is good to be fit but your partner is taking the piss here.

So, have I got this right, he can make plans and go out as and when he pleases despite being a parent to a small child but you - who doesn't have a child - cannot? Because you have to be there to look after HIS child?

This. Just why?

This
With bells on.

OP, you don't seem to have a husband/partner - you seem to be an unpaid nanny who conveniently shares a bed with the master of the house (who'srarely spending any time with you). Tell me - does he do much/any of the household chores?

What, exactly, is any good about this relationship for YOU? Because I'm struggling to see it.

Just hazarding a guess here - does he have her 50-50 so that he doesn't pay child support to her mother?

No no no. He's a shithead. Start having a life, organise nights with friends, weekend activities, hobbies, catching up with people. I'm furious for you!!

Ding ding ding

JACKPOT!!

They fight for shared custody to reduce their maintenance payments and then find a woman to stick the actual parenting on because childcare is women’s work.

A man who organised his life so that he spent minimal time with his DC would give me the absolute ick. How do you have any respect for him when his priorities are just so askew? His poor DD

Oh I see you said you are actually married to him….I would still be tempted to move on from him.

I cannot believe you stayed with him.

Why did you marry this loser? He does everything possible to avoid spending time with his child and sees you as an unpaid slave. This is not normal.

this is really depressing for everyone involved apart from the piece of shit you married.

the mum that had to split custody and doesnt get to see her child for half the week, the daughter who is away from Mum and has an absent dad who is also setting the blueprint for what she should deem acceptable from men when she is older, his Mum that probably doesn’t get to see her grand daughter as much because a visit will turn into a baby sit, and then you who has up to now accepted his neglectful and usery behaviour.

he has zero respect for women especially you

You're absolutely NBU, he is a CF. Let us know how it goes!

It is not everyone elses job to shift their plans & look after HIS CHILD. If he has to rely on other people all the time, he needs to be dropping a hobby or fitting it around him looking after her.
He is taking the absolute piss. Would I balls do that all the time. Every so often, absolutely. You need to learn the word NO and use it. Often.
You sound like a lovely person & i bet any woman would be thankful to have a such a caring, kind person around their children don't let him take advantage of your kindness. Remember, givers have to set limits because takers don't have any.

Yeah I know..me too..

I think I quoted you instead of OP by accident. Sorry, i'm still new to this 🩷

Does the little girl's mum know how little time he is spending with their child on "his" time?

Why do you think the parents separated? I think we could all hazard the same guess.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

I think what he means is, you should be doing it as you're a woman. Just like his ex and his mum.

He is a man, so is obviously far too important and busy to do things like childcare!

Does he
Cook
Wash up
Clean
Wash clothes
Buy Christmas presents
Remember to send people cards or presents

?

Or is he too busy and important for those as well?