The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

I couldn’t love someone who didn’t prioritise parenting their own child over going to the gym. It would mean they are selfish, lazy, irresponsible and vain. Yuck.

The relationship with the mother broke up when child was a baby?

Ah, you said DP not DH so I assumed you weren't married.

The point though is he is a deadbeat father who married you so he could have someone parent his daughter. He is not interested in being a father and he needs a wakeup call. What in the fucking earth is he doing going to gym for three hours ever night? I could understand half an hour to an hour, maybe at most an hour and a half taking showering into account, but 3 hours? And he wants to increase it? Come on, you know damn well he is not 'going to the gym' don't you? He is living a double life with another woman. No man needs to go to the gym for three hours every single night! That's not even a possibility of a need. It's clear he is seeking to add on things so he can spend as little time at home possible, and you are the full time parent of his child he palms off to you.

I would be telling him straight, cut down to 3 gym nights a week - MAXIMUM. No other training sessions during the day. Or else the next time he speaks to you it will be via divorce lawyers. And he will have to find some other poor unsuspecting woman to parent his daughter.

The fact he opts out of time with a child he doesn’t see all the time is such an ick. You know you need to put an end to this now. I don’t know if you’re planning on having your own children but don’t do it with this man if you haven’t sorted this out.

He is being so unreasonable it’s beyond question. That is more than a partner in a relationship with shared children could reasonably expect from their DP.

when we got together he would always try and plan stuff and when I said we have DSD that day, he’d say “my mum will look after her”. His mum has A LOT going on right now, so I think she felt it was time to actually say no I can’t do this anymore. And thus, it fell to the other female in his life!!!!

Yet rather than changing anything or splitting up with a man who'd use his mum this way, you just decided to di it all instead and then you MARRIED him?!

This would be bizarre if you were the child's mother, but you're not! When do you even see your husband?! Do you work full time?

I'd be making sure your contraception was failure and be making plans to end this relationship.

I bet the child's mother has a tale of two to tell...

I don't know how you have any respect for this man.

Just go out,even if it's round to a friends' house, then you're not there to look after her,even if she's in bed,he won't be able to go to the gym he'll have to look after HIS daughter, bet her mother isn't too pleased she's dumped off onto you. Ultimate CF

Most people, even those who are heavily into the gym, don't spend 3.5 hours per night at the gym. I would be questioning if your husband is actually going to the gym?! Or is he spending an hour at the gym and the rest elsewhere. Most gym-goers know, that rest days are needed, to allow the body to recover or at the very least to have a shorter session the following day, concentrating on a different part of the body.

Unless your husband is training for something, and even then, rest days are needed, 3.5 hours per night is unusually excessive.

Presumably you both work full-time? So when do you spend any time together, if he's constantly at the gym? How much actual time does your husband spend with his daughter, because from what you're saying, it's very little.

His daughter is in bed at 6.30 pm, so he can disappear as quickly as possible to the gym, and not bother to have to parent her, any longer than necessary????

Yes, you need a conversation with him. He's using you as free childcare, so he can carry on behaving like an immature, man-child who has no responsibilities. He needs to step-up and massively grow-up.

I think you sound a lovely person and an an amazing step mum, not only because of how you look after her and obviously care about her, I feel this post is not only because you feel taken advantage of for childcare (you are) but because you feel he should prioritise his daughter and that just shows how much you care, and it’s admirable, she’s lucky to have a step mum like you , It def sounds as though he puts himself first too much. Hope it works out well for you, have a fab weekend away.

Obviously it’s out of order the expectation for you to do all that. The saddest thing I find about posts like this, is these parents who just don’t seem to want to be around for their kids. Why wouldn’t Dad want to be the one who puts her to bed, spends time with her, is close to her. In my household it’s a privilege to do these things and there’s never an argument as though it’s a chore or a burden. It always baffles me how parents can actively try and get away from their children, it’s just so sad. He’s missing out if being an active part of his daughter’s life here, such a waste.

The entitlement of this man is disgusting! He’s made you deathly parent for a child that’s isn’t even yours. Reconsider your relationship… I wouldn’t want to make up activities etc so he would actually step up and parent…

And what does he actually do with his child when his hobbies take up all his spare time? My DD was taking twice a week gymnastic classes at this age… she now does three times a week football plus one other activity… point being he’ll be expecting you to chauffeur these soon

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

Why is the doing it as he's the child's dad?

Who takes and picks her up from school?

I would be busy from 4pm until 7pm every night he goes to the gym and out at the times he goes and does his other stuff at the weekends

When do you do family stuff?

Are you married?
Why on earth are you being expected to do all the parenting.
My husband doesn’t expect me to do all the parenting for our shared children, what is it going to be like if your have children together?

I don't think you can assume an affair - some people genuinely are this gym-obsessed. Especially if it means they also get out of boring domestic duties.

OP, your husband is royally taking the piss. How can be a husband to you if he's never there, let alone a parent to his little girl? He needs to step up or ship out tbh.

YANBU, but for me the issue isn’t about stepparenting- it’s about your partner not stepping up to be a proper Dad to his little girl.

THIS ^^.
Sportswoman here, and I’ve been at the absolute top of my game, nobody spends 3.5 hours on a gym workout.

SM here. I was an involved and supportive SM. DH shared 50:50 childcare.
I can probably count on one hand the number of times I was asked by DH to look after his children solo in more than a decade.It just didn't happen. He did activities that didn't involve the children when they were with their Mum.

I would be incredibly unimpressed if my husband acted like this leaving me to do bedtimes every night on my own with my own children, never mind if they weren’t even my kids! My husband goes to the gym after the kids are down (2 young kids, we take one each every night). When you have kids you don’t get to just do as you please when you please, yes it’s good to have hobbies but you plan it around your family. Unless of course you’ve found someone who will do all the heavy lifting for you… suddenly becoming very clear why his relationship with his child’s mother broke down. Don’t have kids with this man OP. His life will continue as if nothing has changed and you will be left holding the baby.

I would be so pissed off if I had to share custody of my kid with someone who kept passing her off to someone else. That’s really unfair to the ex, the daughter, the OP and the MIL.
I don’t think OP is unreasonable at all and I’d fully expect him to act the same way if OP was to have kids with him too.

He seems to be under the illusion that his role is to share (albeit unequally) parenting of this child with you. He’s got it arse about face, as he’s supposed to be sharing parenting of this child with his Ex. When the child is with him, that’s HIS time.

As a stepparent I had this bullshit from my DH. I was very clear: your child, your responsibility. I am not available to take care of her in any way without you checking in first and the default is you are the parent so you look after her on the days she is here. He had a strop and I just ignored it and arranged things to get on with while his DD was visiting. He now accepts that as her dad, he is the parent and I am akin to an aunt or a fun friend. But YANBU, there are lots of men who assume as women we have some natural desire to mother children who are not our own. We don’t, and you shouldn’t.

Fuck that. He needs to fit all his gym sessions around his daughter or he doesn't go. Outrageous piss take.

Because some women would rather be with someone and put up with anything rather than be single,