The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

Incredible. He has you so well trained that you're even questioning yourself.

Do you have a good relationship with his mum and Dds mum. If so tell them you are away and ask them not to rescue him.

His own mother has refused to be involved because of how much he used her.
That tells so much.

He was always a shit father, and he was looking for a soft touch the minute childcare became an issue.

These men look around for a soft solvent childless woman with low self esteem, and bang they have their next partner and free skivvy aupair.

Sometimes these naive women actually need to have a child before the full spectrum of their foolishness drops, and they realised what a total user/loser they hooked up with.

They leave, and then THEIR child is subjected to the fast new girlfriend/mug, doing childcare for two children.

I have adult daughters but thankfully, though young, they have been reared to expect more from life than a partner who needs childcare whilst he carrys on living his single life.

Where is the OP's parents, friends, that no one pointed out to her that she deserves more that someone marrying them for childcare.

Its unfathomable that OP sits in while he is out.

God, what a selfish man. Life changes when you have kids and you don’t get free time anymore. He can go to the gym when she’s with her mum and that’s it. What an absolute bellend. He saw you coming OP.

YANBU. To put into reverse my boys are with us 70% of the time. They are tweens but still need to be ordered to bed teeth etc and only a couple of times when I've been ill my partner has taken over that. Ive gone out with friends twice where I've asked him to have the boys. This is in 4 years!!! We split cooking washing etc but they are my responsibility. Even when ill I've taken one to a match and hidden in the car rather than have him having to take 3 hrs of his time. I do what I want to when they arent here. Granted its getting easier now getting older. I can go for a quick run and leave them.
His daughter his responsibility. He goes to the gym when he doesn't have her simple. Occasions for his volunteer grp could be considered fine but that would need a weekly check in and for him to find alternative childcare ie granny

It's difficult to see clearly in gaslight, isn't it?

It's not normal and it was my situation for 7 years from DSD 5-12 years old.
Started small for the first 2 years then became every time she was here he had something to do, had to go help a friend. Went out for the evening Then it became every weekend he was out I was expected to get up with her, get her to bed and so on. If I had my own plans he would be calling me, asking me for things.

There was no structure for her. He would fall asleep while looking after her if I wasn't here, leaving her on her own I'd come home from work or out to find mess everywhere, which I was expected to clean up. Like flour packets emptied onto the floor, whole drawers of clothes thrown around the house.

As she got older that when it got worse. She would stay up until 3-4 am if I said anything about this I would be told I don't have a say as I'm not her mother but was okay to look after her 99% of the time she was here..

When she turned 13 and her mother thought it was then okay for her to stay home on her own and didn't need a babysitter (me) she stopped coming to our home.

She is 17 now and sees him 2-3 times a year.

Says it all really.

Well... basically he is a massive prick.
To his daughter and to you.
Sorry OP you need to do some drastic things. Book an evening course, go on holiday or leave.
I wouldn't be accepting this if it was my own child. No way would i accept my DH fucks off to the gym every night.

I would not be surprised if this is how he treated the mother of his kids and this is the fundamental reason why they broke up.
Groe a pair OP. You get one go round on this earth, he is treating you like your time on earth is his to use as childcare.

A good way to see how awful this all is op, is to imagine the whole thing reversed.

so. You have a child. Every night you go out and most weekends, whilst he takes care of her. He can’t go out because of her. She isn’t his child. If he raises it as a problem you dismiss it, gaslight him in to thinking it’s so normal, that how dare he question it.

no?

of course not. So before you get into your next relationship have a think about why you were so desperate to impress him with how lovely you are (I’m sure you are btw) when from the start he did absolutely nothing to try and impress you. You are the prize. Not him.

Honestly I would LTB.

Your comment implies you’re still with this awful man@Yellowpink1. Why?

How are you even finding a man that can not parent his own child attractive?

You've just taken over where his Mum's left off doing his parenting for him.

Yuk.

I am certain he must have treated the mother as bad maybe much worse. The poor little kid deserves better.

This
hes barely has time for you @seasonofthebitch
let alone gus daughter
what do you get out of it?

I would definitely not get pregnant by him.
You will end up being baby mama number 2, getting fucked off eith the lack of support, and he will move on to baby mama number 3.
As women are just there for him to use as childbearers and childcarers. He clearly has no interest in being a father in the true sense. Just seeding women and then getting them to do all the work.

So next weekend make plans with some girlfriends and casually tell him midweek. You don’t need to arrange it with him as it’s not your responsibility. Also, the week after arrange to go to the cinema one evening, again mention it last minute.
He is taking you for granted. He needs to give up one day at the weekend and be there some evenings for his daughter.

I have to shake my head in disbelief at some of the threads I read on here of women with such low standards and who are willing to be treated like absolute fools.

6.30pm is a very early bedtime for this age. It seems like he is rushing it so that he can get to the gym, which is very sad. I'm surprised the child is tolerating being put to bed so early. That won't last, what is his plan when the child needs to stay up? My 3yo goes to bed at 8pm. 3hrs most nights at the gym plus half days at weekends is absolutely excessive, how are you even getting any time together? Fair enough if it was time you could use for yourself but you can't. What does he think parenting is?

So which nights do you gym?

Not read all posts, but real mystery why his first wife left him I’d say!
You are the childcare, do you actually spend much time together as a couple? Doesn’t sound like there’s much spare time with his constant training schedule.
Very sad for the little girl too that she’s not the priority for him. I wouldn't be having further kids with him, unless you're prepared to do 99% of the graft alone OP.

It’s due to lazy useless fathers like him that the well used phrase nanny with a fanny was coined.

They want an unpaid childminder either added sex not a partner.

This wouldn't be reasonable on his part if your DSD was your bio daughter, let alone your stepdaughter.

He does need to hear loud and clear that you expect him to be with his DD when she is at yours.
Start to arrange things that YOU want to do and leave him "holding the baby" whether he likes it or not.

You are a nanny with fanny. You do all his parenting and shag him. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship except used?