The unpaid nanny.. or expected of stepmum?

[seasonofthebitch]

My DP has a little girl. From the time I time I first met her, I made a huge effort with her. She’s an amazing kid and I look forward to the days she is with us! We had her Christmas Eve just gone and I organised a visit from an “elf” (my friend!) who brought a Christmas Eve box I bought and put together for her. I do her pack lunches, play with her in the house, decorated her room with her… basically, I love her and we’ve got a great relationship.

Now he’s my AIBU…

DP spends most of his evenings in the gym, even on nights we have DSD. I’m talking from 6:30-9:30. DSD goes to bed at 6:30, so he’s usually in a mad rush to leave and either puts her to bed early or expects me to do it. Which is basically half the week. On Saturday, he goes with his friend for 2 hours to a local running group. On Sunday he holds a voluntary training session, lasting 3.5 hours.

Therefore I am de facto responsible adult over 2 days at the weekend (we have DSD every weekend, this was in place before we got together). This means that I am not able to make plans on those days as there’s an expectation I will look after DSD.

Hes now talking about adding a second training session on a Thursday (the only day he doesn’t train atm!). I said back to him “that’s fine, as long as it’s after you’ve put DSD to bed”

Now I don’t have an issue at all with being a loving, caring person to DSD. But I do take issue with being treated like a hire in nanny for little reason! I think DP should plan his life around DSD, not the other way round.

I also wonder what he’d do if he didn’t have a partner? His own mother has refused to look after DSD every day whilst he goes the gym.

DP has responded badly to this feedback, saying that all stepparents do this (they don’t?) and that I should be doing it as we’re family.

So who’s BU????

YABU - suck it up, you chose to be a stepmum.

YANBU - you’re not a childminder, you’re in a relationship!

I hope you have read the replies @seasonofthebitch . I am so angry on your behalf.

Even if this was your dc together he would be a shit dad letting you be the default parent. I am the default parent but only because I'm a sahm with one autistic child who needs me and DH is working to provide financially for us. Yet, when he wants to do something in the evening he asks me every single time. And our dc are teens now! I like to stay at home in the evenings anyway so I always say yes to whatever he wants to do. And he always says thank you. And these are my children .

He’s a terrible parent and partner.
You are his nanny and he’s really REALLY taking you and his daughter for mugs - cannot believe how much ‘me’ time he gets and the weekends too!!
We gave up lots of our ‘me’ time when we had kids - weekends were for them especially. We did lots of things as a family or took them to swimming, tennis etc.
He's got a great life and won’t want to change it at all - be prepared for tantrums!

Exactly this. We see so many threads on here about married single mothers.
Dad needs to step up and be a dad.

He needs to get real, this is his child who he essentially never spends any quality time with. He also doesn't spend any quality time with you either, his quality time is with the gym.
Surely he could go to the gym on the nights he doesn't have his daughter, and for weekends, does he really need to be doing something both days. Who looked after his child before you came along?

Childcare aside, that around 17hrs a week he spends on himself, away from you, with no responsibility at all.
Where are your 17hrs to socialise/hobby?

Like a PP said, why is a 5 and a half year old going to bed so early?

That’s a good point. 6.30 here is dinner time!

Whatever time he usually leaves for the gym at the weekend, I would be getting up and out long before then and leaving him to it! No warning, no prior notice…….just up, washed, dressed, grab my coat and bag and off out for the day! Let him fend for himself and look after HIS daughter himself too. Welcome to the real world dude!

Start being busy on his training days. He is taking the piss

Even if that was your own daughter, he’d be being unreasonable!!!! I’d be fuming if my husband fucked off both days of every weekend and every single evening!!!! Find yourself a hobby and inform him you won’t be available.

Oh but he doesn't think "all step parents do this" - "this" being most of the parenting. He thinks step mothers do this stuff, or they should. Because childcare is wife work, and a man's new partner is the replacement for the wife, a and hey presto! That makes her the man's child's carer.

He's a shit dad, and a shit partner.

OP, what’s your relationship with him like? Because it sounds like he has no time for you either. Do you not want a partner who actually wants to spend time with you? He is REALLY using you as childcare so he can indulge his exercise obsession.

lol. That’s one way of looking at it. A very strange way, given the details we know which are that the father is a selfish misogynist and nothing about the mum. Far more likely is the mum is devastated that the courts awarded 50/50, which the father took to avoid maintenance, and then cast around for a woman to do his parenting for free, first trying his mother, then any woman. The op isn’t doing the childcare for her mother, but for her father.

Wow, he sounds extraordinary, no wonder he was a single parent when you met. Seriously, people post about a lot of selfish partners on here, but he is one of the worst. When do you actually spend time together? He seems utterly rigid, beyond self obsessed, with all his time consuming gym routines. He really needs to be single as he is spending more time on his hobbies than with his wife and child. If you ever had children together, you would be doing everything for all of them. Was he always like this? How have you put up with it? The problem is not that he has a child, it’s simply him. I am really hoping there is more joy in your relationship than you are sharing here.

Please @seasonofthebitch this weekend you're away, ask his Mum not to look after the DSD so he has to do it himself, he'll learn nothing if his Mum takes over

He's selfish and lazy. I wonder what he does around the house if he's out at the gym so often.

I'm sorry to say that after exhausting his mother's goodwill he needed someone to fulfill the role of unpaid nanny and you're it. He doesn't seem to want to spend time with you or his daughter. You are facilitating him being an absent father to his existing daughter so I hope you won't have any children with him and condemn another child to a father who treats them like an inconvenience.

If you don't have enough self respect to fight your own corner at least hold him accountable for being a shit father to his daughter's sake. He needs to be told that the gym can never be a priority over parenting and you are not prepared to be exploited by him any longer.

The good news for you is he's showing you exactly the life and support you would get if you had children with him.
Presume you are at work all day then hes out every night and both weekend days so do you actually spend any time as a couple? Sorry but it sounds like you are being used as a maid and nanny while his life continues with no responsibilities

What a shit father he is.

Doesn't he like his daughter?

Wow op, he saw you coming.
I’ll be honest, he sounds like a terrible parent and that’s putting it mildly.
He needs to be the one putting HIS child to bed every night.
Stand your ground. No wonder his mother is refusing to bail him out.
He needs to put his child first, hobbies take a back seat.
If he won’t listen then start going out. Don’t be available. Even if it means you go for a coffee to get away, you must leave him to it.
He really is a piece of work.

Sorry but he’s an idiot. You sound like a lovely woman who is doing great things to care for this child and build a relationship with her. But this about her need to develop and maintain a relationship with her father. He is completely putting himself first here which is not on and is trying to make you believe his behaviour is ok when it isn’t. Even if this were the child of you both, you’d expect him to be around because both parents need to spend time with their kids and well, you should want to? I’d start drawing some lines here. It’s really up to him if he wants to step up. If he doesn’t, I think you should reconsider this relationship. This isn’t a fair or loving set up, it’s more something that’s for his convenience alone. Good luck.

Hope the talk gives well, and have a nice weekend away.

Out if curiosity, did he kick up a fuss (regarding childcare, not going to the gym) when you said you’re going away, or was he happy for to go away?

When do you actually spend time together as a couple?! He spends 3 hours most evening at a gym. On the weekend he then spends 5.5 hours with a friend or training. He does not prioritise you at all, and he definitely does not prioritise his dd.

The parents I know that are separated savour the time they have with their children and miss them when they are not there. Your arsehole dp cant even be bothered to put her to bed later, but also 6.30 is way too early to put a 5 and a half year old to bed! My daughter is the same age and goes to bed 730-8. HE should be the one putting her to bed at a time she will actually fall asleep at. I cannot believe he would give up half a day with his child in the weekend.

next time he puts the blame on unrealistic expectations of a step parent perhaps you should outline normal parental duties and how he should be the one prioritising them.

When does he actually spend time with either of you? Sorry but it sounds like you’re being taken for a mug!

Yeah, I was thinking this was a bit too conveniently early.. my 3yr old has been going to bed at 7:30 since she had established a routine as a baby. OP, what's a typical weekend like? Is he present during the day? Is he a Disney Dad? I think you need to start having more girls weekends away.

Yeah, I was thinking this was a bit too conveniently early.. my 3yr old has been going to bed at 7:30 since she had established a routine as a baby. OP, what's a typical weekend like? Is he present during the day? Is he a Disney Dad? I think you need to start having more girls weekends away.