9 IVF EMBRYOS

[KeenSnail]

So, we have 9 top grade fertilised embryos in storage (UK). Their grading matters because it means they are more likely to be successful in a transfer.

It’s now time to decide what to do with them as my husband and I have two healthy boys.

Option 1: Clinically dispose of them. (Feels sad and wasteful)
Option 2: Donate to medical training and research. (I’d be pleased that they were created for some positive purpose.)
Option 3: Donate to people who wish to have a family. (Lovely in theory but lots of what ifs.)

My issue is, UK law prevents embryo donors from having any contact or relationship with the donor family or potential children. My two sons would be genetically full siblings to any babies born from donating the embryos and I hate the idea that they wouldn’t grow up knowing them.

The only chance for contact is the donor child being given my name and last known address when they turn 18 (but no certainty they would reach out of course.) My mum donated 4 embryos 25 years back, my siblings and parents all wish we knew what came of them and long for contact.

In a dream world I’d find people who wanted a open/known embryo donation and set up an arrangement where there was opportunity for the kids to meet occasionally.

I guess I’m stuck, it’s a huge and very final thing to have to decide. Any advice greatly appreciated.

YABU - donate to research or dispose
YANBU - donate to potential families

#2 or #1 if you have to. #3 is highly unethical IMO, children deserve to know where and who they came from, well before the age of 18, regardless of who raises them.

We had similar - I think we had 14 in the end. We decided to donate to research. My DH didn’t want to donate them to another family and I respected his wishes on that. I felt it was a middle ground, allowing them to serve some purpose.

You might not be able to donate anyway depending on for example the age of your partner or husband so you might want to check that. I don't see a problem with medical science because an embryologist has to learn so why not?

I think this is something only you can decide personally i would probably opt for option 2 ,as research is always valuable
I would feel really strange knowing I could potentially have biological children out there somewhere.

I really don’t believe it’s lovely to provide your children for another family. Imagine they don’t go to loving parents and find you one day and see how your sons - their full siblings- grew up in such better circumstances. That would bring such sorrow, pain and possibly resentment.

sadly, I believe research or getting rid is the only ethical option.

no one deserves your children (or anyone else’s)

Please donate, you will be helping others in the long term through research to improve fertility science.

I would do #2 because I don't think #3 is good option for you, since you already expressed some longing for potential family members. I would personally donate them to some family if I was in your shoes... but obviously I wasn't it that position.

You have no idea what their lives with be like if you donate them to people wanting families. I couldn't do that personally, I'd forever be wondering.

This is such a personal decision I don't know why you'd be asking internet strangers. Only you can know

How dystopian.

I chose option 3 when I had to decide.

If it were me options 1&2.

Option 3, while absolutely lovely in theory is potentially difficult for myriad of reasons. Current laws are also just that, there could be changes in future.

I've been where you are and I went for Option 1. The idea of a genetically related sibling/child out there was a complete non starter for me, and for some (I admit entirely personal) reason I also didn't want them studied or researched on either, it just didn't feel right.

I just let them go and it was sad. IVF comes with hard decisions sometimes and I wished for the millionth time we'd been able to conceive naturally but here we are.

Just out of interest, do those against donating embryos to other people feel the same way about egg and sperm donation? Not being goady, but the same reasoning could apply.

Option 1 or 2. No way would I would my biological child brought up by someone else.

I would feel the same about my eggs yes.

The decision was made for me as my DP was over the age limit of the male at which you could donate (which I remember being quite low. Around 40?) so check that.

I donated to research. I figured it was through historical research that I was able to get pregnant so I wanted to give back, however hard it felt at the time. I had 7 embryos and one beautiful child.

I'd love to say option three but I couldn't stand the thought I had a child out there and what if they weren't ok so I say option 2 which will help others

I’d donate, no question.

It would likely be easy for your children to find their biological siblings via genetic testing like Ancestry in future.
I couldn't do that personally but then I'm not the one in your situation.

I do, yes. I had the choice to donate eggs for a reduction in IVF cost but chose not to. I don't have a moral objection to it, no problem if others want to, but I couldn't do it personally.

I don't think I would have issues with embryo donation personally (if you meet the age limits, as a PP says). But I think if you do that's perfectly fair.

I would want to donate for research.

Just check with the clinic though - I had six embryos from IVF treatment, and I wanted to donate for research and checked the box for this period to PGT-A testing, but afterwards they said it wasn't an option; they could only dispose of them. I think this was because the embryos were aneuploid and they weren't doing research on those at that time (though research on aneuploid embroys is done as a routine thing).

I have donated both my eggs and my embryos and have a very much wanted boy after many cycles of IVF who is 14. I contacted the HFEA a few years ago to request information on whether any of my Egg donations had been successful. My egg donation resulted in 1 live birth in 2009 of a male baby. I haven't requested information after I donated the embryos so I couldn’t tell you if they have been successful or not.

Also, not being goady, but I’ve been interested to see the reasoning why people feel they wouldn’t donate their embryos, none of those feelings have ever presented themselves to me in my outlook. It’s fascinating.

Yes i would because I would feel very strange that potentially their was a biological child of mine out there somewhere

I feel the same against both.