9 IVF EMBRYOS

[KeenSnail]

So, we have 9 top grade fertilised embryos in storage (UK). Their grading matters because it means they are more likely to be successful in a transfer.

It’s now time to decide what to do with them as my husband and I have two healthy boys.

Option 1: Clinically dispose of them. (Feels sad and wasteful)
Option 2: Donate to medical training and research. (I’d be pleased that they were created for some positive purpose.)
Option 3: Donate to people who wish to have a family. (Lovely in theory but lots of what ifs.)

My issue is, UK law prevents embryo donors from having any contact or relationship with the donor family or potential children. My two sons would be genetically full siblings to any babies born from donating the embryos and I hate the idea that they wouldn’t grow up knowing them.

The only chance for contact is the donor child being given my name and last known address when they turn 18 (but no certainty they would reach out of course.) My mum donated 4 embryos 25 years back, my siblings and parents all wish we knew what came of them and long for contact.

In a dream world I’d find people who wanted a open/known embryo donation and set up an arrangement where there was opportunity for the kids to meet occasionally.

I guess I’m stuck, it’s a huge and very final thing to have to decide. Any advice greatly appreciated.

YABU - donate to research or dispose
YANBU - donate to potential families

I couldn't donate them knowing they were full siblings to my children so I decided to dispose of them; I wasn't offered the choice of donating to research but probably would have done that.
The process of getting them was arduous but knowing how much more goes into making a blastocyst into a baby, I eventually didn't feel that it was wasteful to destroy them. (It's probably for the best because I'm fairly broody the older I get and might have got fixated on the idea of someone else having them.)

I totally understand your hesitancy about donating and not having contact. We looked into embryo adoption due to secondary infertility and what made us decide against it in the end despite it being our only option was the fact any resulting children would not know their origins till they were 18 and that just didn’t feel right to us .

This is such a thought provoking question. Personally I wouldn't donate the eggs to another I didnt know as I'd always be wondering about my children out there. But the one that surprised me by my reaction was donating them for research, that feels more sad to me than disposing of them. I think its the idea of them being treated as a resource or a material.

I do.

I think donating them to research would be a marvellous idea. The embryos could help people learn and maybe even develop new treatments and techniques. Hopefully passing the joy you feel over your own IVF success to other couples.

Yes. I do. This is my highly personal opinion based on not knowing my biological father growing up. I felt so lost and I don’t encourage anyone to go through that.

We had our child through IVF without any "spare" embryos, as the other 2 created were "unsuccessful" (hate that terminology). I'm so grateful to those women / families who have donated embryos to research and improve IVF success rates.

To answer another poster, I would never have donated my eggs or embryos. I would have seen them as my potential child, and could never have considered my child being out in the world without me.

Mostly. An absolute no for egg donation because it takes advantage of young women who have never had children and can’t fathom the repercussions AND takes advantage of the struggles of couples going through IVF by giving them a discount if they donate. Most seriously, the health implications and impacts to the women who have their eggs retrieved: ovarian cancer, endometriosis, infertility.

no men are harmed from an ejaculation, but I do feel for children of donors.

I'd donate to potential families.

They don't just walk in/take away like a McDonalds.

I've never been in your position but I think I'd donate them for science purposes because I wouldn't want them to just be destroyed if they can be someway helpful but I don't think I could live with the thought of a child who is biologically mine being with someone else and not knowing them

It’s true there are lots of checks but that doesn’t help when you’re worried about your child having a sense of belonging and knowing their origins. We wanted to adopt an embryo but felt so sad about any potential child having to wait till 18 to get that connection. There’s also an element of being so grateful that you want the people who donated to feel reassured that they made the right choice. Plus the issue of siblings as well because that is a support network a child needs potential access to from birth and we just felt so uncomfortable with the way things are that we closed the door on the idea .

Would you feel the same way about adopting a child?

Surely all the boxes have to be ticked - more so now than ever before.

@KeenSnail

Just as an aside - I'm pro abortion.

BUT

So many couples struggle with infertility.

You would be giving them the greatest gift.

If you really can't decide - and this sounds terrible, even in my head - donate 6 to medical research etc, and give 3 of them and there's no guarantees to couples who have been and still are desperate to be parents, like you and your DH.

It’s a very personal decision. Your DNA, your potential child, is personal like nothing else.

It would depend on the circumstances in traditional adoption as there’s trauma involved and it depends if the birth family are suitable to be around the child I guess? For embryo adoption it’s a very different set of circumstances, no trauma, optimal (I assume) parental health and social circumstances so the pros of maintaining that link are huge whereas with traditional adoption you have to weigh up pros and cons plus it would depend on official guidance too.

I’d do option 2 or 3. I agree with you that option 1 feels wasteful. Only you can decide about option 3. Having watched people I know go through the heartache of childlessness and then witness their joy at having a baby via a donation egg, I’d go for option 3. But only you can decide if you can be at peace with that. I personally wouldn’t give it any other thought than I’d helped an infertile couple become a family. But I know many, many others don’t feel that way. No point asking on here, you’ll get a million different answers.

#1

We donated just for clinical practice. So they wouldn't be developed any further or experimented on but they could be used for training purposes - i think it was accuracy of injection points or something.

Do you know if your clinic accepts embryo donations? Not all UK clinics do as not all of them provide donor embryo IVF so that would be the first thing I would suggest to check. As others have mentioned there are also criteria like your ages at the time of embryo creation which would influence whether you are eligible. Another requirement would be for you and your husband to attend implications counselling which provides information about what is involved practically, legally and emotionally as well as giving you a place to discuss your hopes and concerns. Of course your husband would need to be in agreement too.

I am a donor embryo recipient, although unfortunately this did not result in a pregnancy. I am happy to answer questions from a recipient's POV though if that helps.

Another thing to consider is that with a large number of embryos your donation may go to more than one couple.

It stuck me that you used strong words "long for contact" about your Mum's donation. It's sounds helpful to have close family experience to draw upon.

Whatever you decide upon in the end, it will be the right decision as it's a very personal choice so there is no wrong decision.

How much of a child is like the genes and how much is the pregnancy/the environment etc on the nurture child. As in would a baby have the same outcome whoever carries it? Doesn’t some of the mother’s genes pass to the baby while it’s growing?

You could do what I am about to do and do nothing.

I personally do not believe in the choices presented to me, because I believe it is ageist and sexist and by signing the consent form it would be like agreeing that my Embryo is useless because it was conceived when I was 37 years old. My partner was also 37 years old, but I am the one that makes my Embryo too old to donate not my partner, even though my partner was the same age as me at the time of conception. We even have the same birthday just to highlight the unfairness even more.
My round of ivf that resulted in my spare Embryo produced two healthy pregnancies and babies. What is more I went on to conceive naturally at the age of 44 years and 10 months old resulting in another healthy pregnancy and baby.
However none of that is any consequence to the NHS and as of Monday my Embryo will be disposde of, without me signing any forms which is very sad. The only alternative would be to go through another transfer myself, but 3 children is enough for me and I could not face another pregnancy. I only wish that the NHS looked at women as an individual and not a hard and fast cut off age at 37, which does seem quite young. I just couldn't bring myself to sign a form that I had no real control over. Doing nothing is another option if you really can't make your mind up, then the clinic will decide for you.
Sending you genuine luck. I feel like your post has come at a very poignant time since the fate of my little Embryo looms so close. I wish I could do more for him or her but either way their fate was out of my hands due to my age at egg retrieval.

I don’t get how having your potential children experimented on or giving them away to strangers is ‘lovely’.

Can embryos feel pain? What experiments are they doing on them?

No. Embryos cannot feel pain due to having no nerves.

#2, which I did with 4 of mine with dodgy genetics. Wouldn't have been allowed to do anything else so no regrets. I hope they were useful for training and so helped someone else have their baby.

We have just signed ours over with option 2. Option 1 felt like a waste
option 3 I couldn’t mentally live with know I potentially had a biological child out there. Also like you I have 2 boys, I would forever look at every child who had the smallest likeness and wonder if it was them!! I just knew it wasn’t for me.