9 IVF EMBRYOS

[KeenSnail]

So, we have 9 top grade fertilised embryos in storage (UK). Their grading matters because it means they are more likely to be successful in a transfer.

It’s now time to decide what to do with them as my husband and I have two healthy boys.

Option 1: Clinically dispose of them. (Feels sad and wasteful)
Option 2: Donate to medical training and research. (I’d be pleased that they were created for some positive purpose.)
Option 3: Donate to people who wish to have a family. (Lovely in theory but lots of what ifs.)

My issue is, UK law prevents embryo donors from having any contact or relationship with the donor family or potential children. My two sons would be genetically full siblings to any babies born from donating the embryos and I hate the idea that they wouldn’t grow up knowing them.

The only chance for contact is the donor child being given my name and last known address when they turn 18 (but no certainty they would reach out of course.) My mum donated 4 embryos 25 years back, my siblings and parents all wish we knew what came of them and long for contact.

In a dream world I’d find people who wanted a open/known embryo donation and set up an arrangement where there was opportunity for the kids to meet occasionally.

I guess I’m stuck, it’s a huge and very final thing to have to decide. Any advice greatly appreciated.

YABU - donate to research or dispose
YANBU - donate to potential families

My husband donated sperm before we met and I don’t like that there are half siblings of my children in existence. It just brings up issues about when you let your children know about this, at what age. I don’t know why you’d choose to do that to your children. I wouldn’t like to be told at some point that I have some half siblings out there. It’s a bit unsettling.

Haven’t RtFT but the obvious worry with #3 is what if your grow up and somehow become romantically involved with the children you ‘donated’ as embryos?

I also think there’s something ‘worse’ (or more problematic) about an embryo transfer than gametes.

That is your full child out there, shared with your partner. It’s a bit bizarre to me, and the equivalent of adopting out a child to another family. They have a full set of siblings living a completely different life (with their bio parents!)

Everyone’s choice and whatever, but I would never go there.

There are people that adopt and foster children that treat them horrendously, so no character assessment is going to weed that out 100%.

This is why fertility clinics shouldn’t be allowed to create so many embryos.

Do you know how IVF works?
The woman's body is basically given hormones to ripen eggs, they do their best not to ripen too many based as too many can be dangerous for the woman but how someones body reacts to the drugs isn't an exact science.

Two women with the same hormone levels and the same level of drugs could produce totally different numbers of eggs.

I got 21 eggs, 14 fertilised,
2 were tranfered and failed,
5 good enough to freeze.
Of the frozen 2 were transfered, 1 child 1 fail
3 ended up 'spare'
If i wanted a further child those 3 would have been used or if my second transfer also failed.

So really clinics aren't creating too many because there are so many points of failure in the process.

Many women / couples end up doing multiple rounds of IVF to get one baby I think the clinics have it right.

Embryos are choosen on their quality, based on the way they divide. So they use the best quality ones first.

You can put the embryos in you at the wrong time of thr month so they dont "take" which is quite a good solution imo.

I would allow a close relative to adopt my embryos (ie still part of the family/would always know their story etc) but mot anyone else

I recognise that and that's why I said low chance rather than no chance, but you're absolutely correct, also there are the odd story that sometimes a second child comes naturally after ICF/Adoption and I've heard stories when the 'real' child becomes the favourite. All very sad.

OP. Congratulations on your lovely boys. Like you I once had a similar dilemma. I disposed of them. I simply wouldn’t feel able to justify to my son / daughter why I ‘gave them up’ instead of taking them to pregnancy and birth myself. I didn’t and still
dont feel like anything I’d say would be enough. After all people cope with multiple children, small houses, a lack of money etc.

sometimes I do wonder what if but not often.

The 'obvious' worry?

Just FYI it costs about £3000 for an embryo transfer. This is a very very costly way of disposing of the embryos and also my IVF clinic have not mentioned this as an option despite hours of discussions regarding our next steps.

Why would you waste £3,000 a try to use each embryo in this way? Plus there is always the small risk it would take.

There was a story of Reddit recently where a women wanted to donate their embryos they didn’t need. Thought they had found a nice church going family and so on.

To find out weeks before they where due to start getting paperwork ready the nice lovely couple had been slagging them off and couldn’t wait to be free from the so called horrible couple donating as soon as they where pregnant.

Then when the donor decided to destroy the embryos after finding out the couple tried to sue them for breaking their agreement.

Could be a real story or could be fake but either way something to consider when your desire to find a nice family to donate to and the face they show you vs the true them.

Exactly this. We had 24 eggs, 18 fertilised 8 make it to blast. Out of the 8 1 was used he’s now 9 and only 3 more made it to frozen, one didn’t survive defrosting, 1 is now 4 and the other one we donated to research!! But just because embryos are created doesn’t mean they’ll work or be viable

Spare embryos are part of IVF in an ideal world, every fertilised egg would work and become a child.
But reality thats not going to happen.

You can join an embryo adoption page on Facebook. That’s how lots of people connect so you could choose who you wanted to donate too.

#3 as they will get a chance at the life they deserve.

I wouldn't be able to contemplate the other options.

They are a teeny baby already.

I would donate to a family. I would want them to get the opportunity to live. I understand if an embryo naturally fails inside me or in a dish or whatever but to choose their demise, I couldn’t do it.

They're absolutely not though.

No they absolutely aren't teeny babies already. They are a bundle of cells. Which need a womb to develop.

Even within women many eggs are fertilised and don't implant. There are also many embryos which implant very briefly and are quickly rejected.

Nobody should be putting the guilt trip on someone to have those embryos given to someone else.
Its far too easy for people to trace random relatives on DNA sites.

Who really needs that complication in their life a random knocking on your door in 30 years time.
Hello I'm Bob I was born to two Dads I've never had a Mum. I'd like to get to know you.

Me. I’m perfectly aware that from next year (when the child from my donation turns 18) he may get in contact. I’ve been aware of that possibility since well before I donated. I don’t consider it a ‘complication’!