9 IVF EMBRYOS

[KeenSnail]

So, we have 9 top grade fertilised embryos in storage (UK). Their grading matters because it means they are more likely to be successful in a transfer.

It’s now time to decide what to do with them as my husband and I have two healthy boys.

Option 1: Clinically dispose of them. (Feels sad and wasteful)
Option 2: Donate to medical training and research. (I’d be pleased that they were created for some positive purpose.)
Option 3: Donate to people who wish to have a family. (Lovely in theory but lots of what ifs.)

My issue is, UK law prevents embryo donors from having any contact or relationship with the donor family or potential children. My two sons would be genetically full siblings to any babies born from donating the embryos and I hate the idea that they wouldn’t grow up knowing them.

The only chance for contact is the donor child being given my name and last known address when they turn 18 (but no certainty they would reach out of course.) My mum donated 4 embryos 25 years back, my siblings and parents all wish we knew what came of them and long for contact.

In a dream world I’d find people who wanted a open/known embryo donation and set up an arrangement where there was opportunity for the kids to meet occasionally.

I guess I’m stuck, it’s a huge and very final thing to have to decide. Any advice greatly appreciated.

YABU - donate to research or dispose
YANBU - donate to potential families

No, they can't.

There are lots of experiments that help understand why people miscarry, for example, or how problems in early embryonic development might be corrected. I think it's really important. It can absolutely horrible not being able to understand why you can't get a pregnancy to stick, and gradually we do seem to be coming closer to an understanding of this.

We chose to donate our remaining five to research. It was a really hard decision but our family is complete. Donating to research felt better than simply letting them thaw.

Donating embryos is a monstrous thing to do. All their lives they wonder why you “kept” their brothers, and not them.

They’d live with an impossible heartache. And your own genetic children would be being raised by other people. How could you live with that? What if they were neglected or abused?

This is why fertility clinics shouldn’t be allowed to create so many embryos.

You should dispose of them. It’s sad, but frankly the alternative is worse.

I also think research is really important because until pretty recently, people thought that almost everything to do with fertility was women's 'fault'. Even a year or two ago, there was much less understanding of how much men could contribute. (And people still tend to be super sceptical - I posted on here a while back about research showing that oocytes - egg cells - repair genetic damage in sperm cells, and one poster honestly thought I was making shit up.)

It really bothers me that so much of fertility treatment (and reproductive medicine in general) is based on assuming women are the problem, so I am behind anything that helps give us a more accurate picture - treatment for women tends to be invasive and painful, much more than for men.

Fertility clinics generally have quite strict rules about how they select which embryo to transfer; a child wouldn't have cause to wonder why the OP 'kept' some and not others as it wouldn't have been her choice.

Personally, I think it's awful when any child is neglected or abused - do you not? I don't switch of my feeling of horror if it's not my genetic child. That, to me, would be monstrous.

If fertility clinics 'shouldn't be allowed' to create so many embryos, what do you propose they change? Should they only be allowed to collect so many eggs (bearing in mind egg collection is minor surgery and carries risks; if they don't collect all the eggs they could quite well find none make it to blastocyst and therefore, they have to do the whole thing again)? I don't think you have thought this through.

Have more kids!

I'm going to guess from this post that you haven't had IVF because you clearly have no idea how it works.

For me and my embryos, option 3 is a no go because in my mind it’s the same as giving away my living breathing children. I personally given the choice would have mine destroyed, I don’t think I could donate them for research. Based on your OP, I’d say option 2 is the one choice you seem happiest about.

OP it's a really tough decision, I feel the same to the extent that I have been storing my extra embryos for 15 years since my IVF twins were born and I have no idea what to do with them. I definitely won't be donating them for reasons others have outlined, but I appreciate not everyone feels this way.

I have a photograph of my twins as 4-cell embryos before they were transferred into me. I can't look at it too much because it blows my mind, well that's an understatement really. I also remember the embryologist saying after transfer that he was really pleased with the embryos they'd transferred and they were fabulous quality. Those are my twins who are incredible. But what does that mean for the remaining embryos - they weren't as good quality, or is there not much in it? I really wanted to have another child but DH didn't want to so that was that and now I'll never know.

What are you doing to stop the neglect and abuse of children not born through IVF?

Probably 1 with a possibility of 2 . Never could donate them as I’d see them as my child just a different oven. I couldn’t live knowing they were out there somewhere. Imagine if they met one of their siblings without knowing and fell in love? Nope !

You can only control what you can control.

Going against the popular opinion, I think I’d donate to a family - although I’m pro choice I think emotionally I’d see them as a potential child of mine and I couldn’t destroy them or have them researched on - I’d want to give them a chance of a great life. And I’d assume that anyone going through IVF really really wants a child and so hopefully would give them that.

I thought I had read before that there’s another option for ‘spare’ embryos, namely having them placed back into your uterus at a time when you couldn’t possibly get pregnant? So a day before your period or something like that. Then you’re reunited with them, they’re not destroyed, they’re not tested on and they’re not donated?

If you and your mum had to go through ivf I wonder about the fertility of any female embryos

I’d most likely do 1. I wouldn’t give away any of my eggs, for the same reasons as other PPs, Id want to be with my children. Research is a good idea, but doesn’t sit right with me - but I know this is super important so I might feel differently if I had been through the IVF process, as it’s an act to help those that come after you. But I know this is a personal choice.

Oh, just stick 'em in the bin then, eh?

To answer a few of the points mentioned;

• My partner, myself and our embryos all meet the criteria for donation. Our clinic is also accepting donations so this is a option for us to consider.

• My mum did IVF to help a close family friend who had exhausted all fertility treatments to have her own biological children. My mum was able to produce seven total embryos, three of which were transplanted to the family friend. Two of the embryos were successful and the friend now has two healthy 25 year old sons who are my half brothers. There were four more embryos donated at the time but the law used to be stricter and therefore my family don’t know the outcome of the four other donations. The law used to grant absolute anonymity - therefore the donated embryos would have been given no identifying information whatsoever even upon reaching 18 of their biological parents.

• The reason for our IVF journey was an issue with myself, however not a condition that can be passed down genetically.

• I love the suggestion that we have more children but for various reasons our family is complete. Especially considering if we applied that logic to all remaining embryos I could end up with 11 children and a <£40,000 IVF bill. 🤣

My Secret hope for this thread was to find someone who was on a waiting list for an embryo donor who shared my wishes for a ‘open’ or ‘know’ donation. I haven’t found that but it is really interesting to see a few people have opted OUT of receiving an embryo because this option isn’t easily available in the UK due to the laws around information being kept confidential until any child reaches 18. My preference would be a mutual agreement with a donor family where the children would grow up having a relationship with their siblings and also having the opportunity to know their biological parents, unfortunately the current UK law prevents this. I think more people would donate/ receive embryos if there was choice around anonymity.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. It’s really reassuring for me to see many people share my
feelings and it’s enlightening to see the other side of things too. I feel the perspective has made the decision easier or at least, eased some of the emotional burden.

I don’t see why a couple’s desire for a child and them receiving the “greatest gift” is more important or powerful than a child’s priority to grow up in a family they know they belong to.

adoption is different - the child is already a human being in the world, and that child needs love and a home.

to create a child scientifically in isolation from their biological parents and potential full siblings is to potentially give that child a lifetime of trauma and disconnected feeling. That’s a harm that has been done to your own child that can never be corrected. That embryo could have been the one that was transferred, but for some tweaks of fate it was not.

honestly this subject is so huge and personal I don’t know why it’s on AIBU. It’s playing god and canvassing opinions from a load of strangers. I find it very unsettling.

Cross posted. I can see, OP, that you’re hoping for a donation that would eliminate my main concerns.

I understand why it might feel unsettling. For me, hearing different perspectives is helping me process a very big decision.

We did option 1. I wanted another child. But my health wasn’t good enough. As a result, I couldn’t stand the thought of my embryos being used even for research. It was very painful to let them go.

We did 2… We had 3 frozen but I couldn’t do pregnancy again after DS.
I didn’t like the idea of our babies out in the world and us not knowing them

I find ethically and morally donating sperm eggs or embryos reprehensible so not option 3. Not least for the effect it would have your sons to know a full sibling was out there and effectively “given” away like a coat you don’t want anymore

there are very strict rules around donating embryos in the U.K. anyway like age of parents and testing etc so doubt you’d be able to do it

Oh goody! So, when do we start sterilising women that have previously had children and are crap mothers?