FIL pissed me of

[Shakeyshakeybaby]

So totally expect to be told I'm unreasonable but hear me out. Myself and DH are married 25 years, three DC aged 17 , 16 and 14. We have only been away from our kids once since the oldest was born and that was for three nights. PIL minded the kids. They have never offered and apart from those three nights we never asked as we knew they wouldn't mind the kids , especially FIL.

So about three weeks ago my DH booked two nights away for me and him. It's a 40 minute flight. He asked MIL could she just stay the two nights in our house with the kids. She agreed. Kids get on well with MIL. Kids are good kids but just wanted an adult there with us being in a different country. All good so far.

The thing is one of our DDs plays soccer at a high level and she has just signed for a new team and has a match on Sunday. We thought all the paperwork might not be gone through on time so we would be ok to go away. Bear in mind that during the season we are unable to go away due to her football.

So DH asked FIL could he bring her. His response was " no I go to lidl on a Sunday morning". This was after DH had just done FIL a huge favour ( not the first time). He then had the neck to say" I will drop your mother around on Friday night, I heard you are ordering takeaway so I will stay for that and then head home"

Do you have a friend who would step to take her as a one off?

Arn't your three children old enough to look after themselves?

If she was scouted you could ask the coach or whoever is in charge if they could give her a lift?

After reading your replies the only options are you cancel your trip and take DD or she doesn't go.

@Shakeyshakeybaby
I wouldn't expect my 17 year old to stand in the cold for two hours. Where we live nobody would ever put their 16 year old in a taxi to attend a football match. BIL would do it but yes he is unreliable and I couldn't risk him not turning up.

You really do have a problem with control don't you?
I agree with other pps that you are babying your teenagers. This is rightfully your 16yo's issue to solve:

• maybe she could bribe her sister to take on the (ackowledgely unpleasant) task of taking her to the match; or offer to do something for her at a later date
• maybe she could get on her big girl pants and brave the taxi ride on her own (tbh it is a bit pathetic that she wants to drag her sister out for the entire afternoon just because she's nervous about going in a taxi on her own)
• maybe she could talk to her uncle (I mean the "unreliable BIL") directly and beg him to help her - and make her own assessment as to whether he will step up or let her down
• maybe she could talk to he coach about it (rather than you)

And there are probably other options as well.

The point is that you are massively failing to teach your children to stand on their own 2 feet and to resolve issues when things go unexpectedly wrong. These are important life skills they need to learn so that they will be able to cope when they go away to university (or work) in only a couple of years' time.

I dont think asking a grandparent to "watch" teens whist their parent have 2 nights away when they've never done so in 17 years is unreasonable or not understandable tbh.
That the grandparent wouldnt want to, is not understandable unless they are ill or infirm.
That a grand parent would rather go to Lidl than spend time with their grand child is really sad for everyone concerned.
Imagine the teens thinking my grandad would rather go to lidl than spend time with me......
I also worry about the next time the Grandfather need help....

Maybe you should learn how to read because your the points you are making are wrong.

Why not?

Where did you get watch from? Did you miss the part where the grandparents live THREE mins away and the OP has asked the grandmother to STAY TWO NIGHTS with three teens?

Its controlling and its ridiculous.

Next time fil asks for a favour say no you’re going to Lidl.

And the poor woman is pretty immobile herself as she’s recovering from an operation

Why ?

Yes two nights, not days. No cooking, cleaning, just to sleep here. Children love their grandmother and looking forward to having her here. MIL is also looking forward to it, she sent DDs pictures of her new pyjamas and the treats she bought to watch movies. I would rather they spent time with their grandmother then running the streets , like some teens but then as I have said we don't live in the UK. Our kids don't leave school at 16 and leave home to go to university. Our kids don't get trains to school let alone taxis. Try get your head around families being different in different countries.

Guessing your two eldest don’t get on

Otherwise most 17 yrs olds would be fine sitting in clubhouse for a couple of hours whilst their sibling plays their first match for a new team

i would rather they spent time with their grandmother then running the streets ,

so in your world it’s spend time with granny or run riot on the streets?

Sorry, am only a third through the thread and it may have been mentioned but could she maybe get a taxi to one of her new teammates' houses and then get a lift from there? I know she doesn't know them yet, but she soon will and will need to. My weekends revolve around my DS's sport so I do get that it is important. Or, I would just risk the BIL.

By any chance do you keep your house sparkling clean @Shakeyshakeybaby and had a very very big wedding?

You really need to stop saying 'we' when referring to the whole of Ireland.
Yes kids in Ireland get trains to school. And they get taxis to school.
You must live in a bubble.

It's two different issues really I think. Your FIL won't help you and your DH needs to stop doing favours for him if it being all one way pisses you off. You aren't being unreasonable reasonable there.
Your DD being unable to get to football is just the latest thing that he's not willing to do.

I have a similar age gap with my younger sister and at 17 I would definitely have helped out to get her to a football match. I'd have offered to go with her. She wouldn't have fancied going with the coach and a random other adult. That is, unless I was utterly sick of her football for some reason, like if it always dictated family weekends. So I don't think it's at all unreasonable of posters to suggest your 17 might help and I don't get why you are so cross about it.

I say YANBU to be honest. We went away for my 40th for 2 nights and my in-laws took DS6 to a football match on the Saturday and rugby practice on the Sunday with no issue.

Why wont you acknowledge the point that you KNEW they wouldn't want to take care of your kids while you went on holiday, yet you booked anyway to twist their arm into doing it.

So now you paint your FIL as the villain with his son because of you trying to force him to do something and him putting up a boundary

Beacuase they wanted to, you didnt have to force reluctant people to do it did you?

Where on earth do you live where children , even near adults are so unsafe they can’t get taxis. I was originally thinking you were in Ireland or something but clearly not and in a dangerous place. I guess maybe somewhere like Nigeria? Maybe clarify and people can help you more.

becaude the country matters as every single solution given to you is a no. And there are multiple.

Just to reiterate because it seems some posters have trouble understanding the basics.

DD17 does not drive so cannot bring her sister. I would also not allow "one of dds friends who drives to bring her".I did not ask DD17 to bring DD16. People are asking why, the reason is that a lot of time has been put into DD16s football by us her parents. Training three to four times a week , matches at the weekend and travel. DD17 and DS14 have had to traipse the country supporting DD16 so that's why I would not expect DD17 to give up her time.

DD is only new in the team , we don't know any parents to ask to bring her.

It is unreasonable to suggest a just turned 16 year old should just get a taxi to her first match with a new team. Its not a quick 5 a side kick about in the local park a few minutes away. This is higher than the UKs academy football, this is representing your country football.

There is no public transport to the pitch.

MIL and kids are happy about the overnight arrangement.

This is our first time abroad in 6 years without the kids.We have left them to stay in hotels in our country.

I was told to ask the coach which I did and then I was told I was embarrassing to ask.

Op you're children are being conditioned to be incapable adults by you .
They are not children they are young adults who need to be encouraged independence and how to fend for themselves in order to enter the big wide world .
A 16 year old who can't either get a taxi or accept she can't go is as ridiculous as a 17 yr old who can't accompany and be in the cold or grab a coffee for a hour or 2 .
Seriously how do you expect them to function In life .