I’m cheating what to do

[ashamedclown]

Hi all. For the last couple of years I have realised fallen out of love with my DH. We’ve been married for twenty five years and got married in our late teens and we both came from religious households (I am no longer religious myself). We have three children together (19, 17, and 16). I don’t hate him but I just no longer can stand being around him. I am ashamed but for the last nine months I have been having an affair. He’s not in a relationship and he is generous and kind. He says now that I have to tell my husband about us so that we can officially get together but this would mean admitting to what I’ve done. I don’t know my children or parents would react to me having done something so horrible. What should I do?

Ah did it just happen, you couldn’t help yourselves blah blah?

Honestly stop the affair, leave your husband and spend some time alone. I have had many issues in my marriage and not once did I consider having an affair.

I bet unhappily married people on the look out for a bit on the side are easy to spot.

Yeah because if she’d posted that her DH had done the same thing it would be fine 🙄

Going a bit against the grain here but I don’t think you necessarily should tell your DH nor kids that you’ve had an affair. End the affair for now, clarify things otherwise with your DH and once you’re divorced and everything is sorted, then explore things again with the new man. Unless you’re only wanting to divorce in case the new man is for sure available for you and not risk him not being there anymore in a years time, or however long you may need to figure things out. But being out of love since two years seems like a valid reason to divorce, I’m not sure anyone will benefit from knowing about your affair at this point, especially your children.

Do you actually want a relationship with gym guy? There’s a big difference between sneaking around and having fun to actually spending time together and planning a life.
It sounds like you should end things with DH because you aren’t happy, not because you want the other man. Treat him as a separate issue and no need to mention him to your DH or family unless you do decide to get serious with him further down the line.

Do you want to be with the new man? If so, go live your life, be happier. Your children probably know that you are unhappy.

I'd proceed slowly on this OP.
You may just be having a mid-life fling that will peter out very soon and then regret throwing your marriage away.

If you tell your DH you cheated on him, he is unlikely to forgive you - men rarely do.

Your children will view you negatively as a result - that's a guarantee.

If you really think your marriage is over, you need to do a trial separation and take it from there.

I would leave out the bit about the guy at the gym until you are sure this is a viable relationship which it may not be.

If your husband was having the affair what would you like him to do?

🤣🤣

Ok I'll rephrase that, I think creeps/sleazeballs be it men or women hanging round gyms hitting on miserable married women or married men probably make a habit of it so yes great the op may leave the spouse but I bet the cycle will repeat itself.

The least you can do is leave your husband now and not drag him along !!

Points to consider:
Do you want a future shared life with the affair man?
Or is affair man simply the catalyst to change a life you aren't happy with?
If you are asking strangers then I'd suggest you've got reservations.
Maybe leaving your marriage and being on your own for a while would give you clarity, there are more than the 2 male options.

At least have the decency to tell your husband and children what you’ve been doing rather than carrying on with your sordid cheating. If you wanted to start shagging someone else then you should have left your husband first. Of course your children and parents, not to mention the man that you made your marriage vows to and have been deceiving for nine months, will react badly to what you’ve done, and quite rightly so.

You’re probably right. I know the relationship is going to end sooner or later it’s more the fact of me being terrified to tell anyone about it. I know it’s very selfish of me but a part of me wishes that my DH cheats so we can both be in the wrong. It’s the kids I’m mostly worried about alongside my parents who are very religious.

Try to find out how many other love interests gym guy has had before you do anything OP.

If he is a player, which I strongly suspect as he wants you to tell your husband of 24 years about the two of you after only a few months, he will promptly move on to his next love target once his ego has been stroked and he won't lose a minute's sleep over leaving your life in tatters.

How many other women has this guy done the same thing to?
Has he ever been married?
If so, for how long?

Unless he is like you, married for decades to one person, I think he's most likely to be a serial seducer stroking his own ego and possibly bragging about it in group chats...

projecting somewhat

Hopefully you will tell hubby exactly what you have been doing and he will kick you out the marital home and your kids know what you did.

you deserve it, you were not forced into this situation, you have lied to your husband of 20+ years!

hope you haven’t given him a std.

how did you expect this thread to go??

Very good advice - if this guy is a player, he's a walking germ factory.

It will come out eventually whether OP likes it or not and it likely won’t end well for her.
I can’t see the other man wanting her either.

I’ll save my sympathy for her DH and the OM’s wife.

just cautioning OP about something that happens more than most people let on.
I wouldn't throw away a life partner for a player and no I haven't had an affair if that is what you are suggesting.