I’m cheating what to do

[ashamedclown]

Hi all. For the last couple of years I have realised fallen out of love with my DH. We’ve been married for twenty five years and got married in our late teens and we both came from religious households (I am no longer religious myself). We have three children together (19, 17, and 16). I don’t hate him but I just no longer can stand being around him. I am ashamed but for the last nine months I have been having an affair. He’s not in a relationship and he is generous and kind. He says now that I have to tell my husband about us so that we can officially get together but this would mean admitting to what I’ve done. I don’t know my children or parents would react to me having done something so horrible. What should I do?

Go with what you want to do.

A girl I know did, with a man who knew she was married. They're still together 20 years later despite the fact she'd been married for 6 months at the time. Walked away with nearly 100,000 from a 6 month marriage, and is now living the high life even though she met her lover when on holiday with her husband. Again, ask me why I have no faith anymore.

WTF?

She hasn't mentioned what he is like, so we don't know. It doesn't require someone to be an abusive alcoholic. If he has cheated himself, it's a factor. If he is emotionally abusive, it's a factor.

None of these things make cheating right, but there is a world of difference between cheating in an otherwise happy, loyal and loving relationship versus cheating in a relationship where you have been hurt. One is significantly less of a moral failing than the other.

Until OP shares her background, I am not going to assume she's an a-hole, I will give her the advice she came for.

I fucking hate cheaters.

Yeah, I’m not sure he’s the best example of how to be a good person

“He says you have to tell your husband” What do you want to do? It sounds like you got bored and ended up having an affair. Do you actually want to be with him? If you leave, leave for your reasons not because someone is telling you to. Although this going to cause a lot of hurt to a lot of people.

😂

Kindly, although anyone is free to post on any thread - this is a like a man posting on a cervical screening thread - it’s a bit irrelevant.

You are too young and inexperienced to be able to grasp certain concepts.
Thats not a negative thing - we’ve all been there.

But when you’re older and you get your first bf then threads like this will make more sense to you and therefore your posts will make more sense too, as at the minute they’re not really making much sense 💐

I get it OP. Just tell your husband. Yes you’ll have to admit what you’ve done but you’re leaving him anyway so what is he going to do?

it’ll hurt him but it’s the way of life. You only get one so put yourself first. If the other guy makes you happy go for it. And yes I’d say the same to a man before anyone asks.

We can only assume that we are going to have to wait for the OP to come back from her gym session to get an update?

If you can’t stand to be in the same room as your husband you should either work on changing that or leave him. The other guy is irrelevant to this.

Then you should decide if you want to be with other guy or if he was just a fun distraction.

Either way, stop cheating on your husband now. It’s a profoundly shitty way to treat him.

Think of you ... I think life is too short to stay in a dead marriage .
Your children have their own lives yes they will be upset maybe shocked in the beginning but as time goes on they wil understand.
Don't waste anymore time you can't help your feelings .
Just do it as gently as possible .
Good luck x

What do you want to do? Carrying on as you are clearly isn't an option for the man you are having an affair with, and rightly so. He deserves better.

It also isn't fair on your husband. He also deserves better.

If you want to continue the relationship with the man you are having an affair with, you need to end your relationship with your husband. You don't need to tell him why - or your parents and kids for that matter. You can just leave, if the man you are having an affair with is happy for the secrecy to continue for longer. This is the coward's option and still leaves you open to judgement from your parents and children. However, that's no reason to stay in an unhappy relationship.

If you don't want to continue the affair or stay with your husband, you need to end the affair and your marriage, and manage the fallout with your parents and children.

If you want to avoid any conflict with your parents and children, you need to end the affair and go to marriage counselling with your husband in order to get to a place where the rest of your life with him is one that you want.

I don't really understand why you're asking what to do.

If you're asking what you SHOULD do, that's entirely up to you and what you want from the next chapter of your life.

It's different. She can't stand being in the same room as her husband, and those feelings preceded her affair. Life IS too short to be married to someone you can't stand. The poster you're replying to didn't say, leave for another man. She just said, leave.

Unexpected! I'm sweaty, grumpy and looking at my very worst at the gym. Just want to finish my routine as quickly as possible and then go home. I actively avoid even small talk, bar a quick nod or a sorry if strictly necessary.

Always, always, end your current relationship first, as kindly and as generously as possible, if you're that unhappy. Particularly when there are children involved. Children seem much more likely to copy our worst behaviours, sadly.

Cheating is never acceptable. Plus it forces you to think whether this new person is really someone very special, or if it's really about something else entirely. Midlife crises are a dull cliché for a good reason.

How did you see this ending OP? You surely must have some idea after 9 months or did you just intend to continue with the other bloke until you maybe got fed up with him too?

You've got yourself into this mess seemingly without too much thought, so now think long and hard about how to get out of it.

You clearly don't want your husband but are obviously for some reason reluctant to leave him. I get that you're not looking forward to telling your kids and parents what's been going on but surely it can't be worse than the way you are living just now, with a husband you can't stand and a secret bit on the side who is now issuing ultimatums ?

Just rip off the plaster and get it over with. One way or another everyone will get over it and move on.