I’m cheating what to do

[ashamedclown]

Hi all. For the last couple of years I have realised fallen out of love with my DH. We’ve been married for twenty five years and got married in our late teens and we both came from religious households (I am no longer religious myself). We have three children together (19, 17, and 16). I don’t hate him but I just no longer can stand being around him. I am ashamed but for the last nine months I have been having an affair. He’s not in a relationship and he is generous and kind. He says now that I have to tell my husband about us so that we can officially get together but this would mean admitting to what I’ve done. I don’t know my children or parents would react to me having done something so horrible. What should I do?

@santabooby Was the pun intended 🤣? Sorry, it’s been a long day!

Is the fact that both the married couple come from religious families indirect evidence that there may be cultural elements here that some commenters are not considering, e.g. an asymmetric attitude the infidelity of husbands and wives? It's all very well to tell OP to come clean and leave her husband, but she may in a situation where she has a lot more at stake than he would if the boot were on the other foot.

Maybe start by accepting that everything you said at the beginning of your post is worthless and irrelevant.

Don't want to be with him any more? Talk it though, decide whether it's time to end things. End of only options that aren't pathetic.

You'd think the least you can do is actually now leave him without dragging it out even further.

What to do? Grow up and be an adult with your relationship for the first time in nine months.

You re in your early 40s, get on with it and leave your husband, you don't even need to tell him you ve someone else, just lie, you ve been lying to your husband and kids and many others no doubt for a long time now, whats one more?

You d save him the hurt and then in a few week/months time, announce you ve a new bloke.

Why waste your life away with a husband you can't even stand being alongside, no way to lead a life.

My advice is to end your marriage, keep your affair quiet, if the affair lasts, bring him out in the open about 9 months later.

lol, yes but a very long eternity.

Yes and then get ready to be cheated on.

No. Neither me, nor the poster that told her she should leave, justified her cheating. The poster didn't even mention the cheating.

They just said she should leave a marriage she isn't happy in, because life is too short to stay married to someone you can't stand. Which bit of that do you disagree with? Setting aside the cheating - she shouldn't be married to someone she can't stand. It's not fair on her husband, it's no life for herself.

That doesn't always happen, unless you think her husband is a cheat and deserves this?

They married young, grown out of love, she has met someone else, not ideal but life isn't ideal or even fair.

At least her kids are older now, hopefully not damaged by being bought up in a loveless household.

You actually know what you need to do.

OP must be in cracking shape with all these trips to the gym.

Add a couple of extra discs to the dead lift and and increase the number kettlebell lunges?

You have had 9 months of exciting secretive romance. You have no idea if this will go the distance. You have behaved atrociously and it is now time to put it right.

First thing is stop the affair, no more contact. Tell him you need space to sort out your life. If he is a good man who understands your children come first, if he respects you he will give you this, if he loves you he will wait, even if it is months/a year.

Then end your marriage in the best way possible for your family. Work out your new separate living arrangements, be there for your children.

With children that are still dependent on you, you do not know your affair partner well enough to live with or even to meet them for some time yet so you are going to have to make your own living arrangements anyway.

Once the dust has settled, your children and you have settled in your new home, if everyone is ok, then you can consider dating this man - who also has dubious morals - again, but do not introduce him to your children. (if you still want to - you might find the attraction fades)

Don’t tell them if you’re not wanting to be with this gym guy.

However, before you ever cheat again, have the decency to leave your husband first.

Do we?

You cant be blamed for.your feelings changing. It happens sadly.. You met as teenagers. But youve gone about it a stupid way..You should be honest and say what has happened and then make a new life.

The affair partner shouldn't be pushing you to tell. He can end the affair, but I'd be weary about him trying to force you to tell you husband.

You need to figure out what you want. Having an affair isn't the answer to marital problems.

Falling out of love with your husband is no excuse to betray him or your kids. Be an adult. If I felt this way about my husband I’d have to try marriage counselling out of pure respect to my family. Having an affair is abhorrent & is cruel. As for the boyfriend I wouldn’t be so sure of his morals he should have left well alone until you where single

No I don't think her husband deserves it, what i do think is creeps hanging round gyms hitting on married women will probably do it again and again. They like the thrill of the chase, the excitement of the lies and deceit. Once its official they'll both get bored, will 'fall out of love' and be on to the next fling.