I’m cheating what to do

[ashamedclown]

Hi all. For the last couple of years I have realised fallen out of love with my DH. We’ve been married for twenty five years and got married in our late teens and we both came from religious households (I am no longer religious myself). We have three children together (19, 17, and 16). I don’t hate him but I just no longer can stand being around him. I am ashamed but for the last nine months I have been having an affair. He’s not in a relationship and he is generous and kind. He says now that I have to tell my husband about us so that we can officially get together but this would mean admitting to what I’ve done. I don’t know my children or parents would react to me having done something so horrible. What should I do?

It's sad to say, but it's the damage you will be doing to the relationship with your kids that will make you regret this whole thing.

Cut it off with this other guy and then get the ball rolling with leaving your husband if that is what your I intention is but there will need to be a good amount of time inbetween everything. Actually, it may be a good thing for you, so you can assess if it really is what you want.

I mean this kindly, you are living in dreamland, and sadly the reality will not be as lovely when the relationship with those you care about becomes difficult.

Ask yourself, is this guy really worth all that right now? This is your world, think of your family and all you have given and sacrificed for them, it will not be the same again.

For your kids sakes, you don’t need to tell anyone you cheated. Break up with dh.

The kids deserve to know what their mum is like and what she has done

Why is that so unlikely? Not everyone is a red faced, frizzy haired troll in leggings and oversized shirts abusing the equipment at the gym like me. Some people wear nice clothes and look good working out.

The kids absolutely do not need to know about their mum's sex life or to be weaponised and exploited in this way so people can feel good that a cheater got punished. She needs to stop the affair, she needs to get divorced if that's for the best, she absolutely does not need to obey other people's demand that she involve her kids to punish her.

Selfish is for sure the 'keyword'

Course they need to know that their mum has no respect for their dad.

Zero excuse for cheating, unless she slipped in the gym and fell onto the gentleman’s penis repeatedly….

No they don't. It's absolutely horrible when people involve their children to take potshots at each other She's doing wrong and needs to stop, she absolutely does not need to have her children weaponised to punish her for going outside her marriage.

It's not an "excuse for cheating" to say it's between her and her husband and her kids aren't weapons to be used between them. Stop. I hate it when people claim to care so much about the children but then want them involved and turned on their parents so their pain can be exploited. Cheating is wrong but that's wrong too. No excuse for cheating, maybe, but cheating also isn't an excuse for that. Children are not collateral damage in the quest to get a cheater to suffer at any cost.

If they were little kids then I would agree but they are old enough to be told the truth.

I think the fact that OP hasn’t broken things off and is only worrying now that the OM wants her to come clean says it all.

OP obviously cares more about this OM than her own kids.
She is the one choosing to involve her children.
It will get found out and they will be involved.

The very least she can do is break it off with OM but she won’t even do that.
Her DH needs to kick her out and he can have the kids continue to live with him.

She has done nothing wrong????!!!

are you having a laugh???

All the family deserve to know exactly what she has done.

This 100%

Read again, she says I know I have done wrong. And I do.

The ability to use the question mark key doesn’t make you superior to me; I know what I have done is terrible.

The OP should have thought about the impact on her children, whatever their ages, before she made the decision to deceive, lie, and cheat on her husband by having a sordid nine month fling with another man. Not to mention putting her husband’s health at risk by passing on whatever STIs she may have picked up from the man she’s been shagging. The children deserve to know what sort of a woman their mother is, and then make up their own minds about what they think of her and how they feel about her putting a man she picked up at the gym ahead of them for such a long time

I don’t understand the actual logistics of long term affairs.

Don't you and your husband know where each other is the vast majority of the time? I can’t think when either of us would have the actual opportunity. Do you have sex at the gym? Do you book a hotel room? What do you do??

Don’t you ever get seen? I live in a place where I’d be caught out in about ten seconds and it’s not a particularly small place…

Dont you wake up every morning sweating that this is the day you’ll get caught and your whole world is about to come tumbling down around your ears?

I simply could not cope with the stress of it. I cannot for the life of me see how it’s enjoyable at all.

Read who’s post I quoted instead of wading in…

admitted to doing wrong, penny to a pound of sh1t she is still doing it….

never suggested I was superior to you, I might be, who knows 🤣🤣

You need to take your parents out of the equation. In terms of ending it with your husband, you need to take your children out of the equation when it comes to not staying with a man you really don’t want to be with anymore. I think you need to take the other guy out of the equation too right now though. You don’t know in 9 months if this is real or if you’re just high on feeling feelings you thought you’d never feel again. If it were me, I’d end it with both of them. Then I’d take some time for myself and let the fallout for you and your husband and children land and work through that and come out the other end of that. The guy you’ve been having an affair with I think is a red herring here, it’s not about him at all. It’s about how unhappy you are in your marriage. I think it’s better to take some time at the end of a relationship to work through it all.

I did read who you were quoting otherwise I wouldn’t have replied to you. And, frankly, you can say nothing about “wading in” given you’re posting on my thread.

I think you need to tell your husband ASAP that you would like to separate.

So what do you want to happen? What do you see as your ideal outcome from this?

If you’ve known what you’ve done is so terrible which will affect not only DH but your poor kids too - then why are you still doing it?

If you don’t respect yourself, at least respect your DH and kids by ending your marriage and moving out.

Grow up.

I am grown up hence not shagging around behind my family’s back and trying to justify why I did it

Slapper? Who even says that anymore