I’m cheating what to do

[ashamedclown]

Hi all. For the last couple of years I have realised fallen out of love with my DH. We’ve been married for twenty five years and got married in our late teens and we both came from religious households (I am no longer religious myself). We have three children together (19, 17, and 16). I don’t hate him but I just no longer can stand being around him. I am ashamed but for the last nine months I have been having an affair. He’s not in a relationship and he is generous and kind. He says now that I have to tell my husband about us so that we can officially get together but this would mean admitting to what I’ve done. I don’t know my children or parents would react to me having done something so horrible. What should I do?

Of course she should have. The fact that she's wrong to cheat doesn't mean she ought to involve her kids in it further on a completely inappropriate level to weaponise them. I can just bloody imagine someone coercing my mother to tell me all about her affairs so that we can fuck up our relationship and stick me in a horrible position, and telling me it's right and good because my mother needs to be punished!

Some people are just so blinded by the need for a cheater to be punished that they don't actually care about the kids and their wellbeing, and they think the wrongnesz of cheating means absolutely any further crap is GOOD if it hurts the cheater. They also can't understand that sustaining this kind of appropriate boundary and not being motivated by hurting the cheater doesn't mean the cheating is ok.

How would you describe yourself then?

What can you do other than tell your husband and leave. You’ll have to deal with the consequences of the affair with your children, they’ll eventually get over it. The one thing you shouldn’t do, is continue lying. Take responsibility.

People are so sanctimonious. Of course what OP has been doing/is doing isn’t the right thing but life isn’t black and white and people often make bad decisions in difficult situations. The kids are almost grown adults and will have to learn to live with the face that their mother isn’t perfect.
OP as hard as it is you need to make a choice, do you want to leave your husband? Take the other guy out of the equation as the relationship may or may not last the distance.

OP, you're doing wrong, as you know. You need to end it, focus on your marriage and if it's unsalvageable, end that too.

But you absolutely do not have to accept being called misogynistic slurs online. And you sure as shit do not have to drag your children into some horrible and unbelievably inappropriate discussion where you tell them totally unsuitable stuff so that they can suffer extra distress as a weapon against you... to satisfy some Internet people's displaced urges for revenge. Anyone who thinks opposing this is an "excuse for cheating" is completely blinded.

You don’t have to do anything about anything until the time is right for you and you have thought about what YOU want to do.

Don’t be pressurised by strangers on here.

This is unacceptable.

This 👆 💯 million percent 👏
This poster nails it 💥

Can I ask why you have stayed with your husband OP? 🤔 @ashamedclown

Personally I agree with this poster. You need time alone and your husband deserves better than all this 💯

If this gym guy wasn't in the picture, would you stay with your husband or still want to leave him?

You need to bite the bullet and decide what you want going forward. Only you can decide that. 😔

Edited to add, it's an awful mess but it will need sorting either way.

Because her husband only gets one life too, and when someone wastes the only precious time you have on this planet by cheating it’s fucking rude.

Breakup with your husband and do whatever you want from there, OP.

You have clearly been cheated on which I guess is why you are being nasty on here. You sound bitter and hurt. No need to call the OP a whore, totally unnecessary.

What is wrong with you?

No wonder you want the kids to be involved and weaponised. You just love using cheating as an excuse to unleash your misogyny.

You are quite right and I apologise.

no, I haven’t been cheated on before.

not bitter or hurt.

simply can’t understand how people on here can justify this situation.

again, apologies for the nasty words to the op. Couldn’t think of anything nicer to say.

Yes she should get pressured off strangers on the internet.

She asked for our advice and our advice is overwhelmingly that she needs to break things off with this new man or break up with her DH.

Either way she needs to come clean as it will obviously come out and the longer she does nothing, the more she’s going to hurt her DH and DCs.

Not at all.

just think folks should get there just deserts

I don’t think you’re being very constructive with your comments. OP knows she has done wrong, she doesn’t need strangers putting the boot in.

Welcome to real life. Your displaced desire for revenge does not justify misogynistically abusing women online or making weapons out of the children of a marriage.

Fair point. If she didn’t want strangers giving opinions then maybe not post on here?

sadly, no excuse for cheating on a partner that it sounds like he didn’t deserve any of this

People aren't "justifying" it by telling you to can the misogyny, or by opposing the idea of engineering an exceptionally horrible situation that makes a weapon out of the OP''s relationship with her children, just so that she suffers as you think she should.

The fact that you can't tell the difference pretty much nullifies everything you have to contribute.

There’s a difference between giving your opinion and being vile from behind a keyboard.
And while her husband may not “deserve” this you have no idea what he is like at all 🙄 or what the rest of OPs life is like.

I didn’t read what you wrote but know that if a man posted on here about cheating on his wife, there would be many unpleasant words thrown about.

It is likely that this is a reverse and OP is a man but posting as a woman hoping they’d get more sympathetic responses.

I’m sure your comment wasn’t constructive but it’s understandable why many of us would feel upset over such vile behaviour.

Actually, when a man cheats, this place is all over the OW. They get abuse on an industrial scale, far far more than the man who actually cheated. We all know it's true. Nobody denies it. They just excuse it.

What to do?

1 - Stop cheating on your husband. You are taking his right away to informed consent and subjecting him to possible STIs and other diseases. It doesn't matter if you are having sex with him or not. It is deceit and disloyalty. He deserves better than your indifference and hate.

2 - Get a divorce. Your husband deserves to find someone who loves him and not be in a farce of a marriage. You are lying everyday to him by pretending to be invested in your marriage when you are not.

3 - Stop making excuses and giving your reasons as there is no excuse for cheating. It doesn't matter how unhappy you are. You should have ended your marriage before jumping into bed with someone else.

4 - End this before your children or husband find out. It will destroy them and ruin the relationship you have. You have a last chance to be honest. Tell your DH the truth and accept whatever happens and try to rebuild from there.

5 - Get therapy and stop depending on a man for your happiness. He didn't rescue you. He preyed on a lonely married woman and is a predator at best. A good man does not have an affair with a married woman. He has poor morals and is a liar at best. You don't really know him, just what he wants to show you.

6 - Accept that you made a conscious decision to have an affair. It is not just the cheating but all the lies you told you family to do it. You put your affair above what it might do to your husband and children. Stop blaming others and understand the decision to cheat was yours alone. No one forced you to do it.

7 - Accept that your poor choices may have alienated your children and family. You should have thought about your children before you started your affair. The truth will come out and your children are old enough to put two and two together and figure out you were cheating on their father.

8 - Stop playing the victim. You aren't a victim here. Your husband and kids are the only casualties here of your destructive choices. You are not a martyr and it is disingenuous to act like you had no choice in this.

I realise taking ownership of the situation seems a bit overwhelming and not a little scary but you are past the point of no return now, unless you want to bin off the other man and continue with the husband you can't bear to be around always worrying that he might find out what's happened anyway.

I was in a different situation to you in an abusive marriage with a man my parents had warned me to have nothing to do with. However they too were religious and even though they knew how, awful my marriage was, were still quite hostile when they found out I'd finally left him and was planning divorce. My mum blamed me for her not being able to go to church. She said she was worried someone there might ask about me and she'd be too ashamed to tell them I had a broken marriage as it was so disgraceful in her eyes. Eventually my parents got over it and so will yours.

You can't let fear of everyone's reactions leave you stuck in this intolerable situation. I'm not saying things won't be difficult for you for a while but you know what you have to do. Good luck - I hope things work out for you in the long term.

You don't have to tell him about the affair but it sounds like if you want to be with the other guy long term you need to leave your husband.

I also just wanted to say OP: NEVER come on a site like this and expect actual support or mercy. Because these people don't know you, don't love you and have not lived your life. It's so easy for them to get on their high horses and shame you and tell you what to do like critical mothers or haughty school teachers. I know from experience that life is hard and very long marriages are extremely complicated. That is why I never judge people, men or women, that have affairs. It is simply none of my business. But most people are not like that and they love to judge and be superior. You don't need other people's justification or approval. You can do what you want. Infidelity is not illegal, you haven't murdered anyone. Be careful who you tell what to.

By the sounds of this man, it might be time to end it as he is getting a bit controlling. I do think you need to leave your husband and maybe start preparing for that now and as others have said spend some time alone or just in casual relationships. This man made you feel alive when you felt dead. For that you can thank him. Try and exit your marriage with dignity and keep yourself safe. x