Ex wife still has husband’s surname

[ByCyanPlayer]

Am I wrong to be peeved that my husband’s ex-wife still uses his surname, despite them being divorced 28 years and they were only married for 2 years? They share a son who is 30 but I fail to see why she can’t go back to her maiden name, plus she isn’t the type to be bothered about her and her son having the same surname.

I kept my ex-husbands name after divorce. Not only that but I gave it to my new baby too, since it’s my name now

Given this thread, can’t imagine how apoplectic his new partner must be (or maybe she just really couldn’t care less about a name?!)

she isn’t the type to be bothered about her and her son having the same surname

This is so brilliantly bitchy

Maybe you could ask her?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5474680-to-not-want-to-change-my-surname

I've still got my ex's name, we divorced 12 years ago. I'm married again and I kept it because I really don't like the sound of my husbands surname (neither does he tbh), I don't like my maiden name either, I just quite like the sound of my ex's. It pisses my husband off too but I just don't really care much about the name thing - I also like that I've got the same surname as my eldest, so I've kind of double barrelled it unofficially (passport etc hasn't expired yet) to have my youngests surname on it too. But it's a bit of a mouthful so I'll probably just keep the previous version for every day life!

Or even ex wife has the name she wants

You should have made him take your name.

People minding their own business really is an at all-time low.

YABU many people don't change back to their maiden name after they divorce. Sometimes this is due to professional reasons (degree certificates and research papers in married name perhaps). Personally I didn't change my maiden name to my married name for this reason. But it's her name now. Why would it bother you?

I assume you refer to the surname you used before marriage as your name.
And not your [insert the relative it was inherited from]’s name?

It's her name.

Can women never have a name that is theirs? Just a label stuck on temporarily by a man - Dad or husband?

She changed her name legally, it's her name.

And what, please, is 'the type' to want the same name as her dc? What are the characteristics of such a woman?

My XH approached me after we'd been divorced for about 3 years. He was moving in with his then GF, but she had a problem with me still calling myself Mrs <XH surname> & he asked me to change it. I work in a public facing role & she'd 'clocked' my name badge. She was a bit weird & stalked me a bit telling XH that I'd spent a couple of hours in a pub garden with friends after walking the dog, that I'd been out on a date. That kind of thing. I got this back from my DS who regularly meets with XH though XH isn't his father.

I said absolutely not. It wasn't for her to dictate to me what I called myself.

Anyway, as I've previously posted, it's a huge hassle & some expense to change names. Everyone wants original documents, birth certs, marriage certs, divorce certs, passport/driving licence etc. Some ask a fee. All too much hassle &, frankly I didn't see a need to change my name.

My ex husband took my surname. Then he remarried and now his wife and their 3 kids all have my surname too.

Try wrapping your head round that one! 😂

edited to say it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s actually quite nice that my kids have the same surname as their half siblings.

Kindly you need to get over yourself. Your problem is with your husband who gave his name to someone before also giving it to you. You don’t have it first, you can’t claim it. It’s already gone.

That was her name when he made her a mother. It means something, even if you don’t think it does. You can have the hump all you like but you have zero entitlement to be the only woman with that name.

She was his family first. It’s her decision.

It's usual in the UK for a divorced woman to keep her married surname. She may have children who bear that name and she may have bank accounts in it as well. Even if she doesn't, she still keeps it, it is her surname.
Why are you so bothered?

50 odd years ago it was expected that a woman take her husband’s name. 30 years ago it was expected in this European country to return to their maiden name. I had to ask his permission to continue to use it because DC didn’t want their mother to have a different name from theirs, moreover, he lived 5,000+ miles away.
Problem was when, they returned for a few years. She was so rude to some school workers because her DD didn’t gain a place there, that my DGC was taken off the list of the same school that she had gain a place for. Fortunately, they realized the confusion of the same surname held by two foreign women, and DGD was reinstated.

This is one of the reasons it annoys me when people deny it's patriarchal for women to husband's name because "it's a man's name either way, it's your father's or your husband's".

Yes, the name originated from a man. But the woman is the one who has to deal with the inconvenience and consequences of changing her name on marriage. If has children with a man and then gets divorced, she either has to go through life with a different name from her children or get judged for "keeping" her ex-husband's name (as though he was only lending it to her).

Strangely, "it's a man's name either way, why do you care if you have your father's name or your father-in-law's?" is never used to pressure men into changing their names. Similarly, men are never asked "why do you care if your children have your surname? It doesn't really matter, does it?"

I kept my married surname after I got divorced. We didn't have children. Three main reasons.

1. I couldn't be arsed with the hassle of changing it.
2. I had absolutely no desire to go back to my maiden name
3. It was my ex who was the twat, not his family, so it didn't bother me keeping it.

My mum kept my dad’s surname despite being divorced for nearly 30 years. It’s the same name as her children.

You need to mind your own business. Do you have any other jealousy towards this woman?

I've never considered that his new wife might not like me having kept the name, so that's made me smile!!!

Your problem is with your husband who gave his name to someone before also giving it to you

Men (and other people) are not in control of names - we don't need their permission to 'give' us their damn names. We can choose to change our name to the same as theirs whether they like it or not and whether we are married to them or not. It's a matter of Deed Poll. I could change my surname to that of my next door neighbour if I wanted.

I have never changed my name and never will but I wouldn't be subject to pressure from a man to change my name - or see a name as something that is his to 'give',

(But you are on a wind up, aren't you, OP? In response to the other thread?)

I kept my old married name, after a divorce, until I remarried. Just couldn’t bothered to keep changing names. 🤷‍♀️

It's a PITA to change your name, whatever the reason.
Can't see the problem with keeping it.

As someone whose husband has recently walked out.
I’ll be keeping my married surname. For ease and I like having the same name as my kids.
if he ever married again, id still keep the name!

It isn’t any of your business what name your husband’s ex has? You don’t own it! So strange.

Bit different, but my exDH (we divorced 8 years ago!) still messages me on a old joint email account with our names on it and my married name. So think '[email protected]'. I haven't gone by that name in 8 years and he outright refuses to cancel it or not use it with me. He does it to make a point, and it drives me absolutely nuts, but I know hes trying to get a rise out of me and my partner. I just refuse to respond to that email address now.

I think its deeply disrespectful to me, to his partner, and my partner.

My point is names matter so I get it.
Nowt you can do though.