To not want to change my surname?

[pussyinboots743]

I’m getting married soon (It’s my third) and on my first marriage I changed my surname to be that of my husband’s (I was 19) but didn’t for the second. I’ve kept my first husband’s surname to this day as we have two DC and I like having the same surname as them. My fiancé wants to me change it to his own name as he feels like having my first DH’s surname is weird and as if I was with another man. He says the DC are adults now and that it shouldn’t matter about their surnames. But frankly I don’t want to change it as I’ve had it for 30 years now. This is causing friction between us. Am I being unreasonable here?

Of course YANBU.

Also, ofcourse YANBU! I think the idea of changing names is outmoded nonsense designed to further patriarchy. The fact that he wants you to change your name (even if it wasn't yours originally, it is what you have made your own over 30 years!) would be a huge red flag to me.

My fiancé wants to me change it to his own name as he feels like having my first DH’s surname is weird and as if I was with another man.

Strange logic - surely your maiden name came from your father! Is your fiancé prepared to change his name?

YANBU. But I also find the patriarchal surname tradition we have to be a little grim.

Regardless of their age, I completely understand you wanting to share a surname with your kids.

It doesn't matter where it came from. It's yours now and has been for 30 years. You've had a whole other marriage in between, so it's obviously not connected to your first DH for you. He's being ridiculous.

Your name, your choice, that simple.

I think your husband is weird for wanting to brand you with his name. You have had your name for years now so it is your name.

Considering the high rate of divorces for third marriage you’d be bonkers to change your name. Also it’s still nice to have the same name as your DC even now they’ve grown up.

I changed to my maiden name when I remarried.

Tell him you will change it…..back to your maiden name.

And see what he says…

YADNBU

There’s no way I’m changing my name again, ever…and definitely not to please a man. No way.

You could both change to your maiden name if he's so worried about the other man thing. Tell him to fuck off with his unreasonable request.

So he wants to label you as a piece of property? Like marking you out as his?
If he's insisting then that's a huge red flag because it shouldn't matter these days and it makes him look insecure and brattish.

YANBU

And he is being insecure.
Would he have demanded you change your surname if you had reverted to your birth name or is it just because its evidence that you were married before?

This.

i can see his point though that your current name came from a previous marriage, it’s not your birth name.

i would tell him if you change it, it will be back to your birth surname. Less paperwork I think as then you don’t have to produce yet another marriage certificate.

this is why I never changed, and will never change my name. I would not want to keep an ex’s name.

YANBU, don't marry this man he sounds like a red flag.

How ridiculous. I had never changed my name. It’s my name!

Just don't change it. Give him time to come to terms with your decision. As much time as he needs.

My son has my maiden surname and I didn’t change my surname when I married my sons stepdad just because I want to have the same surname as my son.
My husband’s ex wife has kept my husband’s surname because they share a daughter.
Its pretty common.
I did add my husbands surname as a middle name when we married.

I do sort of see his point in that this isn't your original name. You are choosing to keep the name of a man you married, changed your name for, and then (presumably?) divorced.

Of course YANBU to want to keep the same name you have had for 30 years, but it is a bit different from wanting to keep your maiden name.

Ultimately, it is up to you what name you go by though. I can't imagine this being a big enough issue to cause friction though, even if you have different preferences.

Did he add yours as a middle name?

I understand where you're coming from OP - I've been married 35 years and have had my married name much longer than I had my maiden name (which I didn't like anyway!) I can't imagine changing my surname if I were to marry again - I don't think of it as my husband's surname - it's my name and it's what I chose to be called! I would tell your fiancé that having your own name doesn't make you any less married and you're a grown woman who can make her own choice.

Sounds like your partner should change his name to yours - he's the one who cares about matching you

I don’t think your partner has any right to ask you to change your name. It’s your decision only.

I do think it’s weird you still use the name of your first husband. I’ve always found that odd even when it happened in my own family.

I honestly wish I had kept my maiden name. I know yours is not your maiden name but you have had it for 30 years. No you should not change it. My husband is italian and women keep their maiden names in Italy he was horrified I was changing mine actually!

Never changed my name, partly because of work, but mainly his was a difficult name to pronounce. No regrets. It’s my identity. You can call yourself what you like in informal situations, like a stage name.