I want my 24 year old son to leave home...

[Tigerzmum]

My son is 24 years old; has dropped out of uni 2ce; with a large student loan now. He does not ask for advice on how to move forward and does not share his information.

My pension does not cover my costs, my son lives in my home rent free, paying no bills and feels this is his due as I am his mother and he has no income.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits;

He does not want to apply enough care in my home for hygiene and protecting items in my home. (A 3-bed house). He has refused to accept my rules for my home.

I live on the state pension having spent a huge amount of my income on private education for my son from the age of 2 years to 15 years.

The only options I see I have, are to sell my home or rent it out and move away, but the latter is a scary option as I like to be alone and love the corner in buckinghamshire where I have chosen to plant myself, even before I became his mother. (As a single parent.)

I just want to be away from my son. I have given him verbal notice to leave over 12 months ago, and have put this in writing 2 weeks back now. He doesn't believe I can enforce this.

I really do not want to spend the rest of my life, servicing him, forcing him to meet my level of hygiene or cleaning up after him.

I feel I am being coercively controlled by my son to fund his cost of living.

Further, I am really not living the life I had planned. I am 66 years old. I just want to be free to live the rest of my life as I had planned in my own home alone and not having to meet a confrontation to force a 24 year old man to meet my requests and standards for my home.

Isn't 24 years of age old enough to live independently? -Surely there is government support to help him to get on his feet.

I'd love to hear your views.

This is a difficult situation and it's one government's haven't thought about tbh with housing costs being SO high, wage stagnation and getting a job is difficult even simple admin jobs.

Give him a three month deadline, make it clear he must be out in three months. give him the date. Remind him weekly.

Do you have other relatives who can assist you? Get someone round to sit with you when you tell him. Involve other people who can protect you in case he decides to get aggro.

They make loads of errors and that's how you can tell when someone has used it because they simply copy and paste without proof reading.

I don’t have any advice as to how you can get him to leave but wanted to say at 24 he should be able to live independently and you are not responsible for supporting him for as long as he wants. His needs don’t override yours, regardless what other posters are saying about him being your child, as he is now an adult. At some point children have to grow up and learn to fend for themselves. It sounds as if you have done your bit so please do not feel guilty for trying to protect yourself, your own mental health and finances. There is more than one form of abuse and coercively controlling you in this way falls into this category.

I believe another poster suggested adult safeguarding via your local council.It might be worth a shot talking to them to see if they can help. Best of luck and strength to you.

Rent a place out, a bus ride away so he can’t walk back. Take his stuff and put it there. Give him the key. Do this all with love and sincerity. Pay for the first three months. It’ll be worth it. And tell him you’re calling the police if he doesn’t go. Change the locks the second he leaves the house. That’s what I’d do tbh

Where do you get 3 years from? He's 24, he's been a fully grown adult for 6 years. 18 year olds still go straight into work, when I was at school many left at 16 and got full-time jobs.

He needs a job and to stop sponging off his mum.

Ive been through the same I had son and daughter in law they were helping with bills at first which caused arguments I had to clean up there mess cos it was just left they stopped the mony and gave bare amount he got abusive to me council wouldn't do any thing and adviced to call police. But I wouldn't they've gone now but the upset I spoke asked but was ignored

OP have you heard of the app "Hub of hope?" it is an excellent resource that brings together all the support services in your area.
I would advise you to have a look on there and see what helps is available to you both esp in light of his ASD needs.
I think you are clearly struggling with the implications of making him homeless.

He may not get contribution based JSA but he should get Universal Credit, I think your son is pulling the wool over your eyes.

Give him a warning with set boundaries including contributing not only financially to the householf but also taking some responsibility in the home. If he doesn't, chuck him out and change the locks.

I'm shocked at some of these heartless replies. I couldn't do that to my son in a million years. I accept op's son is not contributing as he should but even some of the terminology used here - bin bags as opposed to suitcases - it's just horrible.

The very very least he will be able to get, from when he enters his claim, is £320 odd a week, no housing as he lives with you, he could apply for UC tomorrow.

Then he could give you £100 a month (1/3rd) and keep £200 a month, £100 for himself and £100 for his deposit for rent, and dig himself out that way within a year.

I fear he's on a path to permanently damaging his relationship with his mother. This isn't a one way street, you know.

At 18 you’re a young adult. At 21 you’re a fully grown adult.

He has been told he does not qualify for JSA, as he does not have enough NI credits

I’m not sure JSA is a thing anymore and it’s all classed as universal credit.

If he’s not working and not in education then he’d 100% be entitled to UC to help him find a job (it may not be much if he’s living at home). But it would mean him having to go into the job centre and have appointments and actually look for work.
He can apply online.

My first port of call would be to stop paying for things for him - does he have a mobile phone? Who pays the contract?
Where does he get new clothes from etc?

Does he have any friends?
Does he have a dad?

@beAsensible1 Thank you! -I have done all these things!

Pack his bags and change the locks. You’ve let him walk over you. Why would he change. He’s entitled to UC btw.

In the last year more women were killed by their sons than by strangers. Your son may be a little darling, but many are not, and mothers can pay the ultimate price. You should just be thankful you've never found yourself in OP's position, rather than berating those who are sticking up for her.

Mate, you are not being unreasonable. The way I read this is you’ve done the most but the next thing you need to do as a mother is let this boy grow into a man. Hard as it is that’s our job. Cut him loose, let him fuck up (we all do) just guide him with compassion from afar and let him live.

@Firefly1987 I also have sympathy for his Mum though, her son is refusing to be an adult and just expecting her to provide for him. I don’t know how adults can treat their parents like that. although I do know a couple of them IRL. Their Mums are incredibly nice and they get walked all over by their adult children. 🤷

Although I am completely on your side and feel this is an awful situation, this is completely irrelevant:

He has had the best education independent and prep schools along with GCSE and A'level at grammar school in Bucks. -He learnt the violin from age 4 to 16 (with my weekly attendance at his lessons up to 11);

Children need more than just a good education and it’s surprising that you’ve mentioned his education multiple times but nothing else about his upbringing - how long has he been like this, where is his dad, does he have siblings etc?

I’m going to call a spade a spade…yr son is a self-centered, unmotivated bludger. He appears totally unconcerned how his lifestyle choices (and they are choices) affect you, as long as his lifestyle is being funded by someone else, why would he change?

At 24, this is going to take some sorting, & I imagine he’s going to push back with all he’s got.

First up he’s got to find work, if he’s out of the house each day, at least you’ll get some sort of break from him. Then he pays board, who does he think he is to expect a free ride 😳 I’m astounded by his sense of entitlement. Save his board and use it as a deposit on a flat, it may well take awhile, and employment longevity doesn’t seem to be in his realm of consciousness.

I suggest, you have to toughen up, granted, I’m not in your situation, but to consider selling your home to be rid of him - heck!! He’ll be back to stay in yr garage if u haven’t a spare bedroom and you don’t say NO!

He is not aggressive; he just needs a push to realise his potential and capabilities!

Bahahahaha! Super privileged, tone deaf, clueless person says what?

That's good. Many sons are aggressive to their mothers.

Then set him a deadline and specific things he MUST do or move out and stick to it. Or continue to put up with what you are currently putting up with. Those are the options.

If you have a large wider family, all well educated and supportive, surely you tell them that you are being coercively controlled and financially abused by him and now consequently beginning to suffer depression, and they will then rally round and firmly help sort him out with new lodgings, jib centre and budget advice, fresh cv and guidance towards work.

Ask them for help to provide that short sharp shock that you think will kick start him to launch himself OP, before this situation really drains you completely.