Is this quite common or would you also feel incredibly hurt by your parents?

[Regainlap]

Last weekend we (me and my brother and our kids) went to see my DM and DF (sixties).

The topic of a care homes came up as a documentary was on the tv late afternoon. This was about failing care homes. My mum, almost out of nowhere, said well we’ll be in charge of where we go as we’ve set up a trustee/nominated person to make these decisions with our finances for where we get to that stage.

Brother was equally as taken aback at the time and parents then said they had done it so me and brother didn’t have any disagreements and to ensure me and him weren’t put under pressure to deal with it all.

I accept I have little to no knowledge as to what’s usual in these circumstances but I know my mum was in charge of my gran’s circumstances at that point and the same with my dad and his mum. I just find it so offensive and hurtful that they’d rather appoint essentially a stranger instead of their own DC. AIBU?!

I was getting so frustrated with all the "Your parents have done a good thing! Now you don't have to care about anything!" that I had to bring out the BIG LETTERS

No, they can't. If the parents have mental capacity nothing can be done. (Going through all this stuff with my parents presently).

It appears that you have no idea how hard it is, how heartbreakingingly hard it is, to decide whether your parent /s should go into a nursing/care home

Your parents have decided to protect you from having to make that awful, horrible decision

I'm really very surprised that you and your brother WANT to be in charge of making this decision

that is bizarre...how a solicitor who has such a busy life and time will deal with all the personal calls, visits, decisions and complaints that ageing parents put out. Something is fishy

you are probably joking. Any decent adult child who loves their parents do want to be in charge

Just out of interest - what do you think a solicitor would be doing in that situation? What steps would they be taking?

They will charge nicely for it, I'm sure.

I would expect the solicitor will appoint a guardian and rubber stamp their decisions.

And we're trusing that guardian, are we? That has been paid by the solicitor?

I'd expect it to be a state guardian. The parents have chosen, in their capacity, to trust this arrangement, so that's on them.

This wouldn't offend or upset me, but I can see why it would.

Honestly though, I think you need to just take a step back and look at this logically. They've done this for you - to lessen the pressure. It's not that they don't trust you, it's that they love you!

"State guardian" is not a thing here.

Probably, but the stress of doing this for your parents would cost you and your brother hugely in time and energy and sadness. I've just arranged LPO for myself and I'm groaning at the thought of how difficult it might be for them, and trying to put everything in place to make things as smooth as possible.
There will be so many ways to support your parents as they age and not having this particular burden will help all of you. It isn't an insult or a rejection.

I can see why you would be upset. your parents presumably have their reasons for making this decision but the best way to approach it would have been to tell you what those are.

Can you have a conversation with them about their decision. Ask in a neutral way what their reasons are. I'd also ask what the solicitor's exact role will be and also what expectations they have of you and your brother.

Part of the reason you are upset is that you don't fully understand their thinking and how it will work. It might be that they have heard about other people having a bad experience. Their solicitor may have advised them to do this. Although you and your brother get on fine, I know other siblings who also get on fine but have very different ideas about how their parents should be cared for.

Have a further chat with them

A Solicitor can’t ’appoint a guardian’. No idea what this is about.
OP yiu are getting loads ‘my second cousin’s wife’s friend’ advice

Yeah, sure. And the minute they don't like how the solicitor is treating them, they'll be complaining to the OP and her brother.

Honestly people, how can you not get this? And how can you not get how upsetting this is for the children of parents who have set up a legal entity without telling, or trusting, them?

They’re doing you a huge favour. We’re dealing with now and it’s really quite traumatising

They have both done it for their parents and decided they don't want their children to have to do it for them. That's what the experience has left them wanting. Why are you automatically taking that as an insult?

I didn't know this existed but if I can afford it I will 100% consider it because we are cracking under the strain of older relative care, and so are others we know. And at risk of sounding morbid there are years and years more of it ahead, and it only ends with grief and loss. And a lot more admin and stress on top. I don't want my daughter to have to go through this, if i can ease the load at all I will.

Whatever the equivalent is. I don't know what it's called. There will be state people available who manage these things for people. And they charge for it.

I haven’t even the faintest desire or inclination to help my parents with anything when they stop being able to help themselves so I’d be delighted if they did this (they won’t, they wouldn’t be able to afford it, but I still won’t be helping them). But maybe you’re right because I don’t like my parents so obviously that colours my view

what pressure we are talking about since my mum looked after all her parents and in laws with some help. It is just life.

I am going through this with my own parents right now. Either I do it or a paid guardian, or whatever the correct term is, can do it. And the alternative charges a pretty penny for it. If my parents had no children, that would be the only option for them outside of appointing a friend.

Do you mean the Court of Protection, being a Deputy of?

Whole other thing.

This thread shows how emotive the topic is!

"don’t want to put that burden on us, and this is so obvious to me"

I do understand your sentiment @99bottlesofkombucha BUT you'd rather the well-being of your Mum & Dad is legally placed in the hands of someone who has zero interest, knows nothing about them, no knowledge of their lives, how they parented, lived their lives....purely for financial gain?

Why do you consider it a burden?

It most surely is, both a difficult and heart-breaking decision to have to make for your parents, but from a position of love would be made with the utmost sensitivity why on earth would a stranger make a better decision?

So you didn't have to feel shit?